LMN 2-6-15 You nothing’s going to happen to Brian, right?

LMN 2-6-15 You nothing’s going to happen to Brian, right?

LMN 2-6-15 You nothing’s going to happen to Brian, right?

Jordan’s King Abdullah tells ISIS, “I’m coming. And Hell’s coming with me!” Jordan has launched airstrikes against ISIS training camps to avenge their pilot who was gruesomely murdered by the terror group. The entire kingdom is rallying together pledging to wipe the ISIS scum from the face of the Earth. Meanwhile, President Obama is going to ask Congress to authorize military force against what he called the “Junior Varsity Team.” Sorry if you’re a BO fan, but right now ONE guy is looking pretty presidential … and it’s King Abdullah.

He refuses to admit it was a lie, but news anchor Brian Williams is backing away from his claims that he was shot down in a chopper while covering stories in Iraq. Williams is now recalling the time he made the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs and busted Princess Leia out of the Death Star.

Do we HAVE to talk about the weird vaccination topic? I don’t think the government should force parents to do anything, because it opens up a big fat door to all sorts of gobbledygook interference into our rights and freedoms. This whole annoying topic reminds me why I don’t take my dog to Do Dah Day. That’s the big event we sponsor benefiting local animal charities. Everyone brings their pets and SO many people do NOT vaccinate their dogs or give them proper nutrition, preventative medicine or baths; I won’t bring Hera because I love her and don’t want her to get sick. Dr. Mike, my vet, once told me he sees DOZENS of sick animals every year right after Do Dah Day. I guess the point of this is; if you don’t want (“want” not “can’t”) to vaccinate, then you shouldn’t be shocked when little Mackenzye or Edward comes home with the measles. Also, keep them away from my dog.

It's expected that Brian Williams will not step down or be fired, and that he'll keep his job as chief news anchor at NBC, after a week-long suspension. Network sources confirm that Williams will spend those 7-days doing special reports at MSNBC where lying is not only allowed, it's encouraged.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1971, astronaut Alan Shepherd hit three golf balls on the moon. Big deal, the moon is a par 2. He was one over.

Hey — remember that time Brian Williams was shot while attempting to assassinate Castro? Oh. Well HE might remember it.

A Chinese teenager cut off his own hand to cure his Internet addiction. Apparently unplugging the computer never crossed his mind.

Lindsay Lohan and her mom have filed a lawsuit against Fox News for defamation. You may not be into Fox, but what could they possibly have said that wasn’t already common knowledge?

The second largest health insurance company in America, Anthem, says their latest hacking breach jeopardizes the security of thousands of their client's records. Cyber experts say this is the worst anthem hacking since Rosanne Barr sang the “Star Spangled Banner.”

Scrambling to regain any shred of credibility, Brian Williams is hoping his former fans will fondly remember the time he saved the Ark of the Covenant form the Nazis. We owe him a great debt indeed for his courage.

Red Alert! Valentine's Day is a week from tomorrow! Dinner reservations should have already been made if you’re planning to commemorate your annual romantic obligation.

And … Four men in Orange County, Florida were arrested last Saturday after cops found them all asleep with four dead deer inside a stalled Mini Cooper. Four guys and four deer inside a MONI COOPER? The guys had gotten high and passed out after a night of illegal hunting. What is this? The plot of the next Seth Rogan movie I refuse to see? I remember the time Brian Williams went illegal hunting. He came across a downed Cessna with a stack of stolen mob money inside. Good thing Bill Paxton was there to help him out.

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