LMN 5-7-15 News is Back! Such as it is.

LMN 5-7-15 News is Back! Such as it is.

LMN 5-7-15 News is Back! Such as it is.

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It was a dark and stormy night across the plains as 46 twisters roared through towns like a band of drunken rustlers hell-bent on destruction, laughing at the inconvenient damage in their wake as if they were so many harpies snatching homes and cars from innocent people with never a thought for human safety. (I do not have a punchline for this, I just wanted to see how long of a sentence I could write).

ISIS issued this statement to America, “you ain’t seen nothing yet.” To which US officials responded, “Hey You, Don’t Get Yourself in Trouble, we’ll be Takin’ Care of Business.” How did Bachman-Turner Overdrive get involved in this fight? Can We All Come Together?

Word is Tom Brady “probably knew” about the under-inflated footballs the New England Patriots used in their championship game despite his denials. Goodness gracious, great balls of liar! Nothing will happen to the Pats no matter what is discovered about “Deflategate.” It is not considered “cheating,” it is just being “disproportionately fair.”

Mother’s Day is Sunday – in case you forgot again. A special day for moms, a special sort of awkwardness for stepmoms. Not being a mom, I can honestly say nothing will ever separate me from loving … my disposable income, the baths I get to take without interruption and all my free time. Who am I kidding? I have like 4 jobs around here and an action dog and never get uninterrupted anything. It’s probably some sort of pay-back.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1789, the very first inaugural ball was held honoring newly-elected president, George Washington. Martha had the advantage of not having to worry about wearing what she wore last time.

On this date in 1985, some Baseball Commissioner with a name I can’t remember announced plans for mandatory drug testing of all baseball personnel except players. Everyone except the players? What? Was he THAT concerned about the grounds crew?

Hey! We’re exactly 7 months away from Pearl Harbor Day.

If you are curious, the Cook Islands now have the world’s most obese population at 50.8%. Seven of the residents were actually mistaken FOR the Cook Islands.

A study says that sleepwalking may run in families. Or, to be more accurate, walk in families.

And … A source inside the production says that J.J. Abrams might kill off Jar Jar Binks in the next Star Wars movie. Anyone got that Kickstarter link? A GoFundMe page? Shut up and take my money!

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