Lisa Mason’s News – 05/22/15

Lisa Mason’s News – 05/22/15

Lisa Mason’s News – 05/22/15

ISIS seized the ancient city of Palmyra in Syria this week, many speculating they will destroy the significant Roman ruins there. They include a 2,000 year old temple, a theater from the same period, and the city’s ancient porticos, columns and galleries. Somebody was having a lot of fun there (2,000 years ago) and ISIS just can’t handle that! ISIS is now second only to Comcast when it comes to terrifying entities.

The hot new illness? Wi-Fi sensitivity. Last time the internet made people this sick was when the picture of that dress had everyone arguing about what colour it was.

As part of a corporate remodel to make McDonald’s appear hipper, Mayor McCheese will announce he’s a 2016 Republican presidential candidate. Heck, everyone else is.

A flash rail-strike this week caused 6 million Germans to face rough commutes home. “6 million Germans facing a difficult rail trip? Sweet,” said Jewish Karma.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1785, Benjamin Franklin invented the first bifocals. Which allowed you to lose one pair of glasses, instead of taking the time to lose two.

On this date in 1892, a British dentist invented the tube of toothpaste. They have dentists there?! Isn’t it amazing how (wrong) people who squeeze the tube in the middle always marry people who squeeze their tube from the end?

Honey Boo Boo’s mother Mama June made a personal appearance at a Florida strip club. Riot police were on hand, in case she tried to perform.

Someone’s suggesting creating M&M’s… with bacon. My guess is, the suggestion came from an alien race that plans to eat us.

Crayola says please stop using our crayons as makeup because that is just cray cray.

Whoever Maksim is says he’s sworn off “Dancing with the Stars” forever. Well, I guess that makes it unanimous!

A new study says dogs were domesticated 32,000 years ago, much earlier than the 16,000 year time frame originally thought. That 224,000 years in dog years! Meanwhile, cats apparently domesticated themselves by moving into ancient Chinese villages. It’s unclear at what point the Chinese started eating them.

And… Be well this Memorial Day! Remember there are increased police on the street with a decreased sense of humor, so drive casual. May your holiday commute be less congested than our veterans’ health care. Speaking of … HERE is the doctor’s story I referenced on the air the other day. Warning: long.

Long story short, I went back to American Family Care because my walking pneumonia is still killing me. A nurse(?) assistant(?) named Christie or some derivative of that is filling out my information (that was already on file). She asks about past surgeries. It’s no secret that I had a partial hysterectomy a few years ago so I tell her and she gives me a sharp glare. “You’re probably sick now because of that,” she states. Whaaat? She continues, “Surgery like that causes obesity and heart disease and depression and it’s probably what is making you sick.” I laugh because I assume she’s kidding. She continues to blink at me with her little oyster eyes. I explain, again, that I came down with walking pneumonia ten days prior and need something for my cough. She then asks, “Why did you let them castrate you?” EXCUSE ME?

At this point, I just want a damn doctor and am trying to be nice since I don’t want to get thrown out for punching an idiot. So I blink back at her. She then launches on a rant, while I cough up a lung, about how “They” castrate women but not men (uh, yes they do) and blah blah JUST GET THE DOCTOR YOU LUNATIC.

I finally explain I had the partial, incredibly easy surgery because of a cancer risk. She states, “That’s no excuse. They can cure cancer.” I resist the urge to scream at her to tell that two my two aunts buried in Elmwood who died of endometrial cancers. Again, I’m just trying to get some cough meds. Not content to STFU, Nurse Castrati shakes her head sadly. “You are so pretty,” she tells me with a ghost of a smile. “You would have had the most beautiful babies. WHY DIDN’T YOU HAVE THOSE BEAUTIFUL BABIES?” I explain I could never have children because I hate them (sorry Mom and Da, enjoy the granddog). She asks again why I would deny the world such beoootiful babbys and I start to wonder if I haven’t stumbled upon a failed Nazi breeding clinic. I finally say, “Because I was afraid they would grow up to be a healthcare worker who doesn’t know the fundamental difference between castration and a hysterectomy.” She leaves. I eventually get my cough meds and a new-found fear of humanity.

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