Happy last day of Summer!

As Scott Walker ends his presidential bid to the sound of tumbleweed blowing, a Muslim group is demanding Ben Carson leave the race because he said he just didn’t think that faith would uphold the US Constitution. They’re screaming for his head because they apparently don’t believe in the First Amendment. Soooo… they’re proving he is not entirely wrong then? Seriously, thanks to everyone arguing politics on facebook. You’ve really changed my min-hahahahahahaha!

Pope Francis will address Congress tomorrow. Could he also perform an exorcism so we can get rid of some dead weight up there?

Yon Kippur begins at sundown, unless that’s offensive for me to mention. It’s the one day of the year my Jewish friends don’t have to lie to their calorie tracking apps.

A new bill requires state flags to be made in the USA. Except for you, Mississippi. You’ll have to outsource before they take yours away.

A San Antonio pastor is ratcheting up the Doomsday chatter, saying the blood moon means the “end of our age.” Bear in mind he is from Texas, where everything is bigger and more punishable by death. This guy says the 28th is the end, so I’m not going to bother cleaning the house.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1692, the last 8 “witches” were hanged in Salem. After that, no one ever let their familiars poop in other people’s yards again.

This week is NATIONAL DOG WEEK! I’m nicer to dogs more than most – but dogs can even make you feel better about a bad hair day. Plus, when you have a dog, you always have an excuse to leave places. “Oh I’d love to hear more about your multi-level marketing scheme … but I have to go home and walk Hera.”

If you were wondering, yes, there IS a “sexy Donald Trump” Halloween costume. It’s comfortably smug but the Mexican border wall is sold separately.

Kylie Jenner was attacked by a fan at a Chris Brown concert. Sad because nobody expects to go to a Chris Brown concert and get attacked by anyone but Chris Brown.

Whirlpool has introduced a dishwasher from Ikea. Water and electricity. Won’t that be fun putting together by yourself?

Facebook will soon start activating read receipts on event invites, so your friends will be able to see that you looked at, yet did not respond to whatever lame event they want you to come to. Just stop with the events! The only proper way to invite someone is the old fashioned, personal way – email.

And … There’s a gun shop in Apopka, Florida selling an AR-15 that they say is “designed to never be used by Muslim terrorists.” The rifle is etched with the symbol of the Christian Crusades on one side and a Bible on the other. They’re selling like mad. Would have been easier just to make them out of bacon.
Speaking OF … Oscar Mayer has released Sizzl, a dating app just for bacon lovers. The only way I’d love you more is if you were wrapped in bacon.