Vacation starts now! We’ll chat in a week unless I’m eaten by a bear in which case … it has been swell. If you need me immediately, please print out the question you can probably answer yourself, crumple it into a ball and set it on fire. Oh, and don’t try to rob my house; I’ve got a friend staying there with a bad attitude, no booze and a claw hammer. Onward to the news!

The FBI foiled a plot to kill Donald Trump – terrorists were planning to use a surface to HAIR missile. I’m still waiting for him to say, “Did I say Muslims? I meant Kardashians!” Several Native American groups agree with Trump on getting immigrants out of America … they would like to know when we’re all leaving. Meanwhile, 200 thousand names are backing the movement to ban Trump from the UK. 15 of the names weren’t even in Arabic.

Over 50 members of Congress still haven’t paid back their student loans. Isn’t that shocking — there are people in congress who went to college?

Rear Admiral David Baucom has been fired by the U.S. Navy for public drunkenness and nudity. Fortunately, he wasn’t a Front Admiral.

Russia says they will build the first permanent moon base. When asked if they really wanted to live in a barren, desolate void they replied, “No, that’s why we want a moon base.”

Michigan’s state Senate just repealed 80 outdated laws including one that banned people from trespassing on a huckleberry marsh. Tomorrow, we hit the marsh! My plan is working perfectly!

The winner of the Oregon Lottery took over three months to claim his 6.4 million dollar jackpot – because he lives in Iraq. He bought the ticket through an international online lottery site. So … it’s illegal to place sports bets online but you can buy lottery tickets? I didn’t know. I DO know that when I win the lottery, I won’t quit my job. I’ll just act like a complete jerk to everyone till they fire me.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1953, Anchorage, Alaska, got its first TV station. Talk about an easy job — being the weatherman there! Snow, with a chance of more snow, making way for even more snow later. But enough about summer.

Ronnie Wood of the Rolling Stones is going to be a dad again, at age 68. His 37 year old wife is expecting twins. When it comes to who will change the diapers, I imagine the kids will probably flip a coin.

Star Wars fans have already started forming lines in front of movie theaters, 12 days before the new movie opens. What is it about 12 days and this time of year?

Veterinarians in Los Angeles have created the first test-tube puppies. Thank God, we don’t have to worry about a shortage or overcrowding or anything.

Amazon’s CEO will earn $29.5 billion this year. He’s a Prime member so he’ll get in just two days.

Kim and Kanye West named their new baby Saint. The Vatican confirms Saint West will be canonized as the patron saint of celebrity children with pretentious names.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg’s new child Max learned that his father gave away 99 percent of his wealth. His first words were “You did WHAT, dad??”

And … Did someone make your “naughty list” this year? For just $7, get your Yuletide revenge. The KentuckyforKentucky website will gladly mail them a lump of real Kentucky coal which is $542 less than an iPhone 6! The lump of coal also comes in a festive box with a card which reads “Merry Christmas, B-hole!” Sure the holidays are a time for fun, frivolity, love and gratitude. But let’s face it, some people don’t deserve any of that stuff. You know the ones; they’ve made your whole year miserable with make-believe gluten allergies, selfie sticks, trigger words and safe spaces. Get your official coal while you can though, supplies are limited so many naughty kids will instead get Auburn jerseys in their stockings.

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