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LMN 1-5-16 News is Back. Mostly…

LMN 1-5-16 News is Back. Mostly…

LMN 1-5-16 News is Back. Mostly…

President Obama today announces gun control measures by executive order. That sound you hear is every gun store in the nation making enough money to retire to Fiji.

The feud between Iran and Saudi Arabia is freaking plenty of people out. Looks like SOMEONE could soon find out whether or not Iran has nukes.

Hillary Clinton says we may have already been visited by aliens. I have a plan – we give Earth a one star rating on Trip-Adviser.com so aliens won’t want to visit here.

ISIS has a new spokesman and he seems seriously disturbed even for that bunch. Sorry your written language looks like a bunch of tattoos, man, but that’s no reason to threaten everyone.

The world is watching the financial markets after they took a giant dive. Yesterday was a bad day for anybody with money. But statistically, it’s unlikely you have any money anymore. So relax!

I don’t always take over a gift shop but when I do, I remember to bring snacks. The armed group in Oregon put out a plea for supplies after failing to even slightly plan ahead. Honestly, I have chips and protein bars in my car along with water and blankets and I’m not even laying siege to a closed welcome center in Oregon. Meanwhile, Montel Williams is calling for the group to be killed. Because that’s a completely reasonable response when dealing with someone with whom you disagree.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1643, the first divorce was recognized in the colonies. Anna Clark’s husband abandoned her in Massachusetts Bay Colony. Sounds like the only good thing she got out of that marriage was the divorce.

On this date in 1972, President Nixon launched the Space Shuttle program. If a 747 can carry the Shuttle, I’m calling BS on that “overweight baggage” charge.

Only a few days into the New Year and if you haven’t yet broken your resolutions … statistically you are about to. It’s all about making reasonable goals. Like mine – I resolved to get into more arguments!

Sorry Marvel fans, director Joss Wheaton has announced he will NEVER EVER do another Marvel film. Does this mean no one will ever explain the Infinity Stones to me? I mean … the big guy in Guardians is trying to catch em’ all. Are they like Pokemon? With nukes or something? Is this the same as the Mind Stone thing?

The SEC set NCAA records by winning 8 bowl games. People who claimed the old system unfairly favored SEC teams are now complaining (loudly) that despite playoffs, the SEC is STILL playing for the national title. Awwwwww. Show me on the doll where the SEC hurt your feelings.

And … half of Alabama is running for the boarders, anxiously clutching dollars to turn into Lottery tickets. It looks like a Refugee Wave comprised of people who hope not to be at work Thursday. I just gave my last 5 bucks to the office Powerball pool – I don’t want to be the only one left if they win! The jackpot is now passing 400 million dollars and I feel lucky. Last time I only missed it by five numbers! You know … all of them

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