Donald Trump has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. He won’t win, but at least he won’t lose to Ted Cruz. Meanwhile, Rick Santorum endorsed Rubio and dropped out of the race. Wait – Rick Santorum was still running? Last time I saw him he was on the back of a milk carton and trailing me in the polls. On the other side, Clinton and Sanders traded barbs last night over who was the “most progressive.” It was Martin O’Malley’s best town hall performance to date. He watched it from his couch calling all the other dropouts to see if anyone was free for dinner.
The Zika virus has been identified in Texas. What gives, Texas? You had our first Ebola case, now the first Zika case? You’re going to have to change the state motto to “Everything is Diseas-ier in Texas.”
Trying to file your taxes? The IRS says it can’t currently accept e-filed returns due to a hardware glitch. Wow, the government usually does so well with glitches websites. Don’t worry! You still have plenty of time to do your taxes at the last minute.
People are angry over the relocation of homeless people for Super Bowl 50. They’re also angry over the fact most Americans can’t read Roman numerals. Hey — remember when the city of Birmingham rounded up all the homeless when Olympic soccer was here back in 1996? They bussed them all to Huntsville. When the bus arrived, Huntsville shipped them right back. Granted, Huntsville probably just thought they were hipsters.
And a few things you need to know …
On this day in 1789, George Washington was elected our first president. Must have been tough running a country with no previous administration on which to blame everything.
Time to get out and hit those after “Day the Music Died” day sales!
A Richmond man has two puppies starring in this Sunday’s Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet! I’ve drafted them into my puppy fantasy league. Anyone have the over/under on the Puppy Bowl? I’m actually terrible at fantasy sports, but I’m a pro at talking smack about them.
A California man is asking a judge to award him 63 million dollars because his winning lottery ticket was “destroyed by lottery officials.” Winning the money wouldn’t change this man since he’s already pretty insufferable.
A judge in Columbia County, Pennsylvania is sick of people rolling into court wearing pajamas, so he’s trying to ban that. It’s really not proper attire when you’re having to explain to a judge, “wha ha happen was…” and trying to look remotely credible. Pro tip for the day: we need every advantage we can use to get ahead in life. Even if that means having to put on real pants.
And … There is a new rash of outrage sweeping America. It is deadly serious. People are mad because the Reese’s peanut butter hearts DON’T LOOK LIKE HEARTS. Neither did their pumpkins, nor did their Christmas trees. Reese’s has one mold and it’s a blob. Deal with it. Sorry your first-world woe is that your candy is ugly. Hey – beauty is on the inside! Especially when the inside is peanut butter covered in chocolate.
