Today is Chinese New Year! A friend of mine told me my sarcastic attitude was because I was born in the Year of the Rooster. I asked if he was born in the Year of the Jerk-face. Happy Year of the Monkey to you and the Chinese government agents secretly reading all of your emails.

The Denver Broncos won the Superbowl on Sunday. Meanwhile, Tom Brady was out in the parking lot deflating everyone’s tires. What gives with Cam Newton being such a sore loser? Other people lose the Superbowl and don’t drive off in a huff. (It’s the new 2016 Toyota Huff, Cam got the endorsement). And of all the ads that were rejected or blocked, think how bad they must have been when “PuppyMonkeyBaby” seemed like a great idea. Seriously – that ad must have been made in a state with too much legal weed.

North Korea has launched a long range missile they CLAIM was just a satellite. Riiiiiight. North Korea’s only space program is reruns of Star Trek. Now if they could just develop technology to feed their people.

During a recent publicity event, former first-daughter and current “Donkey from Shrek” impersonator Chelsea Clinton accidentally referred to Bernie Sanders as “President Sanders.” So we get ANOTHER day of not talking about any real issues.

And … The Zika virus continues to spread like a… well. Like a virus. TO stay safe, you should avoid all contact with your crazy aunt’s emails today. Especially the ones with the subject line “Fwd Fwd Fwd Fwd RE: You’ll love this!” Oh. It is not THAT kind of virus. (Still probably shouldn’t open that attachment though).