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by Lisa Mason posted Oct 14 2013 7:32AM
Happy Columbus Day! I’m suspicious of any holiday dedicated to a guy who just couldn’t ask for directions. Banks are closed; don’t expect any mail* and the federal courthouse Downtown is closed … so it’ll be operating with its usual efficiency. You can celebrate the spirit of Columbus Day by walking into other people’s houses, planting a flag and telling them that you live there now. We’re having a traditional Columbus Day at Casa Mason, handing out small-pox tainted blankets.
On this date in 1912, former president Teddy Roosevelt was shot in the chest while campaigning... and continued to deliver his speech afterwards. WOW! The debates were much rougher back then! In 1912, politicians were tough. Nowadays they can't even keep the government running. Speaking of – senate and house leaders say they’ll have a rare face-to-face meeting to negotiate a shutdown deal. I hope they wear nametags because it’s not likely they’ll ever recognize each other.
These may not be the funniest jokes I've ever written, but at least I'm off to a better start than the Kentucky Wildcats. 
Scientists are saying Saturn and Jupiter may be filled to the brim with diamonds. Although, an appraiser from Jupiter claims the rings around Saturn are just cubic zirconia.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1066, The Normans, under William the Conqueror, defeated the English at the Battle of Hastings. Of course they won! He wasn't known as “William the Loser.”
It was this date back in 1566, Mary, Queen of Scots went on trial for conspiring against Queen Elizabeth I. In her opening statement, she said, "Let's not lose our heads over this!" She did.
On this date in 1947, U.S. Air Force Captain Charles E. "Chuck" Yeager became the first person to fly faster than the speed of sound. He went so fast, he heard people congratulating him before he landed.
Thomas Dolby** celebrates his 55th birthday today. To this day, I still don't know why his last name was on my cassette deck. 
The TV show "The Voice" has made its debut in Afghanistan. If that doesn't drive out the Taliban, nothing will.
An Indian elephant named Patience killed a zookeeper in Missouri Friday morning. The elephant will not be euthanized; they're just outsourcing his job back to India.
Many historians now say that Sir Isaac Newton, who invented calculus and developed the mathematical description of gravity, died a virgin at the age of 84. It makes sense. If Sir Isaac Newton was into women, he would have spent all his time discovering a mathematical system of winning at Blackjack.
And … I know this sounds like a lie but the Vatican misspelled the word "Jesus" on 6,000 medallions commemorating the papacy of Pope Francis. Hey, they knew not to put Vice Pope Quayle in charge of spellchecking. Actually, the misspelled coins will likely now become valuable collector's items, and could be sold to raise money for the poor. You know what they say, "The Llord werks in missterios weighs."
*ABC stores are open though, whoo!
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10/14/2013 7:32AM
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