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Lisa Mason in the Morning

 

LIsa's Morning News (12-5-13) Thanks, Mexico, for the new hit show "Muertos Vivi

by Lisa Mason posted Dec 5 2013 8:09AM
A stolen truck full of radioactive material has been found – as has the dangerous material. The truck was carrying a container of Cobalt-60 headed to a nuclear waste facility when it was stolen from a gas station in central Mexico. Because if I’m hauling a container of deadly goop, I’m totally stopping at a border town 7-11 for some beef jerky and speed. Seems the thieves were the only ones NOT to see the story on CNN about how deadly Cobalt-60 is. Yep. They opened the container. Authorities are now on the lookout for two armed mutants with possible superpowers ... who are also probably already dead. Is THIS how the zombie apocalypse begins? A stolen truck in Mexico? Yeesh. I’d hoped for something more European.
 
Jefferson County Commission President David Carrington says three attorneys asked for bribe money in exchange for “walking away” from the county’s bankruptcy proceedings. The attorneys say it’s an outright lie. We either have to believe the Jefferson County Commission OR a trio of attorneys. It’s like having to choose between getting eaten by a shark or getting eaten by a different shark.
 
An autopsy shows "Fast & Furious" star Paul Walker, who was killed in a fiery car crash, had injuries matching those of someone who was killed in a fiery car crash. What did they THINK they’d find? Lead poisoning?
 
How to fix the economy: film a Twilight movie set in Harry Potter’s world, invite Iron Man and then sell ads. Even with times being tough on businesses, Fox says it has sold ALL of the commercials for the upcoming Super Bowl broadcast on February 2. Don’t worry if you missed out; you can still buy an ad on my show!
   
President Obama says he’ll use the remainder of his term in office to focus on income inequality. Glad he’s finally found something solid and tangible on which to hang his legacy.  
 
Dozens of pilot whales have beached themselves in the Florida Everglades. So many people volunteered to help try to save the beached whales, a pro-abortion rally in the area had to be rescheduled due to lack of attendees.
 
Willie Robertson of "Duck Dynasty" is now making his own wine in Napa, California. "Duck Commander" is being sold … in Wal-Mart. The full-bodied vino is said to be “very fresh,” a quality true connoisseurs seek. Who needs all that fancy “aging” stuff anyway? Have you seen the ads? “Duck Commander. The wine for people who hate waiting. We shall sell no wine until aw heck go ahead and sell it.”
 
Now that Jefferson County is off the hook (thanks to sewer customers), Detroit has the distinction of the largest municipal bankruptcy in history. Detroit workers set to lose their pensions vow to appeal the ruling that the broke city can proceed with bankruptcy plans. But then, the same workers also vow to overturn the score of the Michigan/Ohio State game.
 
Dennis Rodman is heading back to North Korea. Maybe this time they’ll keep him, so Kim Jong Un can finally get stuff off the top shelf.  
And a few things you need to know …
 
On this date in 1484, the Pope set down severe penalties against German witches and magicians,  but only for a spell.
 
On this date in 1908, the University of Pittsburgh became the first to put numbers on their football uniforms. Up until then, the ref would have to remember all their names so he could yell out penalties, like "Holding on Carl!"
 
In 1848, President James Polk announced to Congress that gold had been discovered in California. Congress immediately wanted to appropriate enough whiskey for all the prospectors, but that would have been contributing to the delinquency of miners. And THAT, my dears, is the LONGEST path to a lame punch line ever.
 
This may be a record! FOUR “on this day” entries. On this date in 1876, the pipe wrench was invented. Until that time, there was one less weapon in the game of "Clue."
 
Birmingham’s own American Idol Ruben Studdard was sent packing again this week on "The Biggest Loser." The guy is so big, it took two trips.
 
In what has to be the dumbest reason ever to stab your own sibling, 47-year-old Edward William Bright in in jail after he allegedly stabbed his brother following an argument over which silverware to use for dinner! The South Carolina man was arrested when deputies found his brother bleeding from a minor knife wound … but it was made with the GOOD silver. “MOM! DO I need to polish the silver this weekend?” “No! It’s still down in forensics as evidence!”   
 
And … A Dallas salon worker was jumped by a mugger while walking home from work – she was carrying a container of hot wax, which she threw at the bad guy, who fled. Police describe the suspect as "smooth and dangerous.” If caught, the mugger could be charged with assault, and 50 shades of grey.
 
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12/05/2013 8:09AM
LIsa's Morning News (12-5-13) Thanks, Mexico, for the new hit show "Muertos Vivientes."
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