~~ A retired Tampa area police captain is charged with second degree murder after yesterday’s shooting in a Florida movie theatre. The shooting occurred after an argument over an audience member texting during the previews before “Lone Survivor.” It’s yet another tragedy we’ll have to hear about for the next few years because this happened in FLORIDA and the guy will probably be acquitted.
Does anybody here remember Vera Quarles? Vera, Vera. What has become of you? Authorities are investigating the Great Envelope Caper of 2014. Several envelopes, all addressed to Vera, were left outside three businesses in downtown Birmingham. The envelopes prompted multiple street closures, evacuations and the bomb squad robot is now in overtime. If you’re an Indie filmmaker, here’s your story: “Desperately seeking Vera.” Anyway, police can’t find Vera and Downtown residents fear someone will accidentally drop a box of envelops and shut down the entire city.
The White House says 6 million people have now signed up for Obamacare, that’s up from the 7 million they announced earlier. They’ve also raised the chocolate ration from 2 ounces to 1 ounce, and we have always been at war with Oceania.
Iran has agreed to give weapons inspectors access to their nuclear sites. This means they’ve already moved everything they don’t want us to know about. Inspections start next week and are expected to last until the UN rules Iran has nothing weapons-grade as they nuke Tel Aviv.
A small Albuquerque cemetery is the victim of a very foul practical joke. Someone is leaving dead chickens near headstones. Romero Cemetery co-owner Michael Gabaldon says for two years, dead chickens have been dropped off overnight and doesn’t know who is responsible. DUDE! Every night for two years? Ever heard of a stake out? Security cameras?
Now that Southern Methodist University in Dallas includes the George W. Bush Presidential Library, the chamber of commerce has come up with a new slogan: Dallas, where Presidents go to get shot or to get honored.
A Wyoming lawmaker wants to bring back firing squads as the official means of execution. It would replace Wyoming’s current mode of execution: bull riding.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1914, Ford improved their assembly line by attaching a chain to each car. It worked much better than having the chains attached to the workers. Especially workers named Django.
Last week’s Polar Vortex was Disney's most extensive promotion for a movie ever. Go see FROZEN already before they bring back the cold.
Many people still refuse to believe that there's nothing we can do about the national Velveeta cheese shortage. Can't we just create more synthetic cows to make more synthetic cheese?
A new study says the average cell phone is 18-times dirtier than a public toilet. This explains why Droid tech-support I get in India always says, "Try jiggling it." So, if you're a guy making a cell call while in a public restroom, and the guy next to you accidentally pees on your shoe, does this mean you can hit him with roaming charges?
Today is National Dress Up Your Pet Day! That day every year we force animals to wear jaunty coats and hats. National Dress Up Your Pet Day has been credited with forcing animals to evolve so in a few years they’ll be able to grow thumbs and take off the jaunty coats and hats we force them to wear.
The Golden Globes ran way overtime Sunday night. Turns out Chris Christie had two of the lanes to the podium blocked. Did you see Jennifer Lawrence? She was shaking so much as she received her award, the NFL ruled she never maintained complete possession. Seriously, you could have used her to mix paint. “Lawrencing” is now a thing online, if you were worried.
Art Garfunkel is resuming his career now that he's recovered from vocal cord disease. Doctors aren't saying what caused the problem but I'm pretty sure it came from constantly screaming at Paul Simon. Look for Art’s hot new song about Chris Christie called "Bridge over Tubby Waters."
And … My engineer just told me that there’s a spat between The Weather Channel and Direct TV. TWC wants a bigger bag of money and DTV told them to shove it. So Direct TV customers will be forced to Hulu for constant reruns of “Ice Road Chasers” or “Storm Truckers” or whatever that crap is that’s NOT WEATHER that ALWAYS runs on TWC.