Tree assassin Harvey Updyke says he can’t afford the monthly payments he owes Auburn University. A Lee County judge told him, “Tough. Pay up.” Updyke says, despite being unemployed, his monthly income is about $3k while his expenses are over $2700. What’s he spending his money on? Certainly not grooming products or personal hygiene items. Maybe THIS is how we ended up with a Velveeta shortage? How’s the Natty Lite supply?
If you’ve ever attempted to apply makeup using those squiggly energy-efficient mercury-filled light bulbs, get this! A new bill has passed that would protect the old incandescent bulbs. You know how many Congressmen it takes to screw in a light bulb? Just one, to campaign on TV and at rallies on how Congress has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along.
Israel held a state funeral for its former prime minister, Ariel Sharon, on Monday. Sharon had been in a coma for eight years. This makes him the only Israeli politician who doesn't hate President Obama.
There were many raised eyebrows after Birmingham Mayor William Bell’s State of the City address. Bell says he’s working on a replacement for Legion Field. Maybe we could replace it with the unicorns and fountains Larry Langford wanted back in the day? Might as well. Bell says he’ll announce the plan in three to six months. Meaning; we get neither a vote nor a stadium for UAB.
A Harley-Davidson motorcycle owned and autographed by Pope Francis is up for auction to raise funds for charity. What makes the Pope's motorcycle go around? The Jesus and Mary Chain.
For the record, it's actually Dr. Martin Luther King's real birthday today. He would have been 85. Paula Deen plans to quietly celebrate by ... actually, lets not go there.
Anti-government protesters bent on derailing elections in Thailand tried but failed on Monday to shut down the City of Bangkok. Governor Chris Christie called them Amateurs.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1774, in a giant moment of irony, General George Washington caused a traffic slowdown for the British on the Chris Christie bridge.
On this date in 1535, England's King Henry the 8th declared himself the head of the church. I tried that once, but it didn't work either.
Charo turns 63 today. She was quite the sex symbol in her day, or at least the invading Romans thought so.
According to a new study, kids today take 15% longer to run a mile than their parents did when they were kids. And, of course, kids today only know how to run a mile on their Xbox.
Thanks to low retail sales, a spokesman for Wal-Mart says this holiday season was extremely disappointing. Well, except all that family warmth and togetherness crap.
Police arrested rapper Lil Za for cocaine possession during a raid on Justin Bieber's house while investigating the alleged egging of Bieber's neighbor's house. That's unbelievable. The cops didn't find the weed? Were they even really looking? Bieber’s neighbor is pushing for attempted murder charges because he's trying to avoid all that cholesterol.
The "Octomom," Nadya Suleman, is facing welfare fraud charges for not reporting income as a stripper and adult film actress. Another setback in her efforts to be "Mother of the Year." Man, this mother of 14-kids has so many problems. Including the acute inability to have strategic headaches.
Even though A-Rod's dealer admits he injected Alex with steroids, Rodriguez still refuses to admit he used performance enhancing drugs. According to Alex, the only bad decision he's ever made was dating Madonna. He only hated that because the opposing team would chant, "Kaballah, Kaballaha, Kaballah, SWING!!!" Kaballah, Kaballaha, Kaballah!”
Oh, and It may be the end of the world as we know it. We found a teenager who's so addicted to Brussels Sprouts that he eats them every day. It's 17-year-old James Hucheon from Basingstoke, England, who gets a bag of 100 sprouts delivered with his weekly groceries. Weekly grocery delivery? Wait -- why did we ever leave England???