LMN 1-16-14 What Nuclear Launch Codes?
by Lisa Mason
posted Jan 16 2014 8:05AM
Some US Air Force nuclear officials are in trouble for cheating on their recertification exams. How hard is it to remember, “Turn the key when Carl turns his, then call home?” Officers were also busted texting each other test answers. According to what the NSA overheard, the instructions for a missile launch are “Lefty-loosey, righty-tighty.”
An investigation says the attack on the US consulate in Benghazi was “likely preventable.” If only we had a government agency that would spy on allies and collect Americans’’ phone records. Especially phone records that involve people screaming, “Help we’re under attack!”
A “murderabilia” site is auctioning off personal items belonging to America’s most-hated mom, Casey Anthony. Shoes and pants worn by Anthony will be on the block, though there’s no word if her private collection of duct-tape and chloroform is also for sale.
Defending his scandals, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie says he wants Americans to understand that he's not mean and that he's "not a bully." In fact, Christie says his only natural enemy is flimsy wicker furniture. I really don't see the big deal about Christie closing down a couple of traffic lanes. Before his gastric bypass surgery; nobody complained when 3-of his arteries were blocked.
Russian President Vladimir Putin doesn’t seem to grasp the criticism he’s getting from US politicians about his policies on homosexuality. Mr. Putin states that President Ronald Reagan did not say, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall and replace it with a living area complete with a tray ceiling, French doors that open to a covered terrace, Chai/latte colored sofas, and a Moroccan-style chandelier that just screams ‘I’m fabulous.’" Hmmm.
President Obama will meet soon with Pope Francis. No word if Obama is still angry with Francis's papal campaign slogan, "Yes We VatiCAN!" Pope Francis says he'll hear the president’s confession, but to save time; he could use an itemized list of all the broken ObamaCare promises in advance and those Benghazi emails.
A Cullman couple was arrested after two spent meth labs and drug paraphernalia were found in their residence during a welfare check. 49-year-old Julia Anna Speegle told agents she didn’t know she could get arrested for drugs during a call about a child*, or she would have hidden everything. Goes to show the meth life-style isn’t as action packed as episodes of “Breaking Bad” led you to believe.
Berry Middle School is again open today. It was shut down yesterday due to a water leak and a terrible chemical stench. How bad was it? The school smelled SO bad, it made Right Guard turn left, Secret tell it all and Speed Stick slow down.
The Great Envelope Caper isn’t yet cracked in Downtown Birmingham, but cops have a lead. Police have released surveillance video of a woman depositing documents after banking hours … into an after-hours deposit box. Yes, we call the bomb squad when a transient leaves her personal information at a bank.
Mercedes-Benz in Vance opened its factory doors yesterday, allowing journalists from around the world to get a sneak peek at its new 2015 C-Class. Ich bin ein Journalist und sie hat MICH nicht einladen. Aber ich bin nicht aufgeregt. OK. Ich BIN aufgeregt.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1920, the U.S. went dry as the 18th amendment went into effect and prohibition became law. From 3-6 every afternoon, most bars held "Unhappy Hours."
On this date in 1547, Ivan the Terrible was crowned Czar of Russia. He beat out his brother, Uri the Pretty Bad, Too, But Not As Bad As Ivan. Uri, if you didn’t know, was the inspiration for the movie, "A Czar is Scorned."
The Oscar nominations are out! Up for Best Actor: my salesguy who denied eating a coworker’s lunch out of the fridge. Epic acting job that.**
A new study claims that a little caffeine can boost your memory. As much as you’ve had today-- you should remember your own birth. .
With rumors that the Galaxy S5 could be out in March, now we're hearing that the iPhone 6 will be out by May. That sound you hear is the phone in your hand becoming obsolete.
There's a new app out that will notify your boss for you that you're quitting. Hopefully you'll get that before your boss uses his new app that automatically fires you.
And … After police pulled Flavor Flav over for speeding, they discovered he already had 16-suspensions on his driver's license. Now Flavor Flav won't just be wearing a clock, he could be doing time. "Clocking" Flavor Flav? Isn't that redundant?
**Everyone knows you did it.