LMN 1-22-14 Now with more opera jokes
by Lisa Mason
posted Jan 22 2014 7:52AM
Winter Storm Janus is upon us! It’s dumping snow on places we are not, but it’s freakishly cold here. The City of Birmingham is opening a warming station to keep the homeless from, you know, dying outside. In order to care for those in need, organizers are asking for donations of bottled water and canned goods. Why is it we eat milk and bread for snow, but only water and creamed corn for extreme cold?
The NFL is considering a new scoring system which would eliminate the "extra point" which has become too "automatic." Not as automatic as the idiotic post-game rant, but close. The proposal was criticized by women who've never been married. Apparently, they love those place holders because it's the only chance they ever get to see a guy down on one knee. The proposed change would automatically award 7 points for a touchdown, and then allow teams to go for an 8th point by running or passing, but if that fails, subtracting 1 point from the 7. What, I'm supposed to be a math major now? Of course, most teams would just take the automatic 7 points and then opt to kick off. The time saved by the skipped extra point would be filled with an extra TV commercial.
Russian security forces are on the lookout for 3 "Black Widow" terrorists, who have breached security at the Sochi Winter Olympics, and who are bent on creating havoc. 2 of the Black Widows are Chechen rebels, the 3rd is Dennis Rodman in his wedding dress.
The former governor of West Virginia and his wife stand accused of corruption. They were cited for collecting over 100 thousand dollars in gifts and bribes, which is far lower than the federally mandated bribe standard. This couple is in hot, tainted water now!
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1881, an ancient Egyptian obelisk known was "Cleopatra's Needle" is erected in New York's Central Park. It was far from the last needle ever found there.
On this date in 1840, British settlers arrived in New Zealand and announced, "OK, everyone, now speak in an accent like THIS!"
Miley Cyrus will appear later this month on the MTV all-acoustic show, "Unplugged." Hey, we've seen her undressed, unhinged and uncouth, why not "Unplugged?"
An 18-year-old Florida high school senior who was expelled for doing gay porn to help pay his family's bills has been allowed back in school. The young man said he refused to take a job at Taco Bell because he wanted to maintain his dignity.
We have confirmation -- Johnny Depp is indeed engaged to Amber Heard. For the scorekeepers at home, he's 50, she's 27. It’s a marriage made in Creepytown.
Health officials are now warning that pot smoking can cause apathy. Like you care.
And … forget the chips and beer; you’ll a nice aperitif for this Super Bowl. Opera singer Renee Fleming will sing the National Anthem, the first opera star ever to perform at the game. If you’re not familiar with that art form, “Opera” is what happens when a tenor gets stabbed in the back and sings instead of bleeding out. Do you know the difference between a soprano and a terrorist? You can negotiate with the terrorist.