LMN 1-23-14 TURN ON THE HEAT!
by Lisa Mason
posted Jan 23 2014 7:55AM
Winter Storm Janus continues to wreak icy havoc up north. Janus is a pain in the anus. The “named” storm craze is bugging people so much the National Weather Service released a statement saying the naming of winter storms is NOT done by them; it’s an invention of The Weather Channel. Remember The Weather Channel? That’s the station that shows nothing but 24 hour reruns of Storm Truckers and Ice Badgers or whatever. I’m told that they used to show nothing but weather, but I think that’s an urban legend. What’s next? Naming GOOD weather days? “Stay tuned for more on SUNNY DAY MIRANDA after these home videos from Jim Cantore.”
Russian President Vladimir Putin reiterated this week that gays, lesbians and the transgendered will all be welcome to come to the Sochi Winter Olympics. They can't LEAVE, but they can come. A lot of US athletes are expressing hesitation about the upcoming games thanks to all the terror concerns. Well of course! Who picked Sochi anyway? We’re all the good cities busy? Why do the Olympics need to be held beyond Thunderdome?
There’s a new trend starting in groceries: stores that purposefully sell expired food. I thought we already had such stores, as in the Homewood Food World and the Aldi.
John Kerry has solved the humanitarian crisis in Syria. Speaking at the peace talks in Switzerland, Kerry effectively bored representatives from the Assad regime and rebels into a coma. Iran wasn’t invited to the talks because they’re hostile jerks. Because if you want to give peace a chance, it’s always classy not to invite the party with whom you have a problem. Either way, someone’s gonna get shanked with a cocktail fork before these talks end.
At least they’ll know plenty of people in jail… three ex-Jefferson County tag clerks are now waiting in a long line for an appeal. They were busted taking money from people to let them move to the front of long car tag lines. I wonder what sort of bribe they could offer Dr Meat in the next cell in order to cut in line in the prison shower?
Iran has a new tourism board. They’re even urging Americans to come. We can’t LEAVE, but we can come. One of the tourist hotspots listed in “What’s On Iran” is the opportunity to visit other Americans currently held in Tehran’s filthy dungeons. Did I say “filthy dungeons?” Oops! I meant to say “happy fun dungeons.”
A 57 year old man broke his leg in a snowmobile accident in Maine and crawled 2 and a half miles through freezing temperatures to get help. It took him 6 hours. He’s making a full recovery.* This breaks the Guinness record for crawling on your hands and knees set by President Obama during his infamous European Apology Tour.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1789, Georgetown University was established. It was a respected institution for almost two centuries when the movie "The Exorcist" was filmed there. Then heads really turned.
On this date in 1845, Congress decided national elections would be held on the first Tuesday in November. It was likely to make sure they didn't conflict with any football games.
Justin Beiber’s been arrested! Apparently, someone finally made it a crime to be a giant douche! Word is Justin also blew $75,000 at a Miami strip club this week. Most of that money was to bribe the bouncer to let a 19 year old into the club.
An absolutely livid Quentin Tarantino is shelving his latest movie, "The Hateful Eight," because somebody leaked the script. As you might imagine, there were plenty of F-Words used and Tarantino didn't make a lot of sense… and that was just the script.
In a GQ interview, Katy Perry says she used to pray for big breasts and got them! I guess "world peace" never crossed her mind. Tim Tebow prayed to God to be a great NFL quarterback while Katy prayed for a bigger cup size. I guess we know which team God's on. How come Katy Perry can talk to GQ about God and breasts, and not get into trouble, but that duck guy talks to GQ about God and anuses, and gets suspended from his show? And why do we care?
A study says the human brain can process an image in as little as 13 milliseconds. To give you an idea how fast that is, it's even faster than the time it takes for the guy behind you to honk his horn the instant the light turns green.
* I would not. They’d find my frozen body next to the wrecked snowmobile.**
** Plus I’d never be in Maine in winter.