March 3, 2015
10:37 am

Lisa Mason in the Morning


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by Lisa Mason posted Jan 27 2014 8:07AM

Tomorrow’s official forecast calls for it to be “HOLY CRAP I CAN”T FEEL MY FREAKING FACE” degrees. Cullman County schools are already delaying classes by two hours on Friday. This proves that if there is a gun, someone will jump it. This latest winter storm is expected to be named Leon by The Weather Channel. And Leon’s getting laaaarger …

Four armored Humvees toting 50 cal guns cleared the way for the kevlar clad torch bearers, let the games begin! The Olympic Torch just made it’s lap through a terror base in Dagestan. If we KNOW it’s a terror base, why are we purposefully running through it? Track and field is a SUMMER sport, hello? Since the Torch journey is a relay, if the guy carrying it before you gets shot … do you HAVE to pick it up and run with it? You can’t buy good press for the Sochi Games, let’s just go back to my idea for an Olympics just for fat people? At the “Olympigs,” there's be chocolate inside the medals and no one has to run through Dagestan.

A potentially deadly norovirus is docked near the US Virgin Islands. Did I say norovirus? I mean to say “Royal Caribbean Cruise ship.” 300 passengers have fallen ill and this is reason #57, Mom and Dad, why I don’t want to go on a cruise. The ship is called the “Elpolorer of the Seas” and true to spirit of the explorers of old, the ship is spreading disease and confusion to exotic locations.

Crack-smoking Toronto Mayor Rob Ford was late for a speech last week because he and several other people were stuck for 45-minutes in an elevator. The people who were stuck with him were very worried. At the half-hour mark, Ford started debating which person he would eat first.

Autopsies are planned for the Toledo firefighters killed over the weekend in an apartment blaze. Cause of death is expected to be fire.

Well if it was Captain van der Decken, he’s gone now. The rat-infested “ghost ship” that was adrift on the high seas is now at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. And yes, as it began to sink, the rats abandoned ship. I believe the name of the vessel was, the U.S.S. Chris Christie.

Speaking of rats deserting a sinking ship, the ratings for "Duck Dynasty" have plummeted. The second episode lost 2 million viewers alone. Maybe this means Duck Dynasty won’t last as long as the Ming.


And a few things you need to know …


On this day in 1951, the U.S. Air Force dropped an atomic bomb on Frenchman Flats in the Nevada desert. Actually, before the bomb, the place was known as "Frenchman Mountain."


It was on this date back in 1662 that the lime was first introduced to America. It wasn't until 250 years that the lemon arrived in the U.S., on a Detroit assembly line. On a related note… the most recent Winter Storm caused a 33 car pile-up outside Detroit. Haven’t seen a pile that big since the automotive bail out. 


I’ve got the plague so I didn’t watch but the only two things I know for sure about the Grammy's last night: Led Zep won album of the year and no one asked Justin Bieber for a ride home.


106-year-old American Edythe Kirchmaier is being heralded as the world's oldest Facebook user. Because if there's one thing a 106-year-old needs to do, it's waste a lot of time on Facebook.


Eli Manning is coaching his brother Peyton on how to deal with the frosty winter conditions in Met Life Stadium, which is Eli's home field. What could Eli POSSIBLY be telling Peyton that he doesn't already know? Be sure to bring a jacket ... never stick your tongue on a goalpost…

And … "Sesame Street" now has the Cookie Monster giving diet tips to kids. C is for CARROT not COOKIE. Whatevs, C is for CRAPPY IDEA. This is about as bad an idea as the time Kermit the Frog barely escaped alive when he wore shorts to a French restaurant.

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01/27/2014 8:12AM
LMN 1-27-14 Now with a logo! (Thx Daisy)!
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01/27/2014 9:51AM
Shorts to a French restaurant? hahahahahaha. Sorry you've got the plague, hope you feel better!
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