July 12, 2014
8:29 pm

Lisa Mason in the Morning

by Lisa Mason posted Jul 11 2014 7:39AM
Greetings! Sometimes it's hard pretending to work on a Friday ... especially when work keeps getting in the way of goofing off. Not much content today because A) I'm live at Serra Kia in Gardendale from 11-1 and have to get allllll the way across town and B) just because. So why am I wasting your time with these faulty excuses? Because if I don't post my daily blog my parents call and ask where it is and why it isn't posted and am I in trouble at work for not posting it.

President Obama is having a seriously bad week in the press. He's being called weak, he's being called ineffective, he's being called detached, and he's being called un-American. And that's just the stuff Hillary is saying. Meanwhile, Sara Palin is demanding President Obama's impeachment. Really she's just demanding attention. LOOK AT MEEEEEEE! Somebody talk about MEEEEEEEE!

The experts say we could expect gas prices to drop by 25-cents a gallon over the next month. The oil execs should have their cars, homes and vacation properties paid off by then...

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1798, the U.S. Marine Corps was created by an act of Congress. Can you believe that? Congress actually did something!

It was on this date in 1804 Aaron Burr shot former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton in a duel. Can you imagine that? A vice-president actually doing something? The loser of the duel had to appear on the $10 bill.

Also on this date in 1979, the U.S. Space Station Skylab came crashing down to earth. However, even to this day, it's still higher up than the congressional approval ratings.

London has come in as the world's top tourist destination with 19 Million visitors expected this year... despite what happened under Jack Bauer's watch.

And ... I guess their ratings needed fattening up: Rosie O'Donnell is returning to "The View." Our long national nightmare is over! Just how did ABC lure Rosie back to "The View"? My guess is whale song.
Filed Under :
Location : London
by Lisa Mason posted Jul 10 2014 8:14AM
After a 0-0 tie in regulation, Argentina beat Netherlands 4-2 on penalty kicks to advance to the World Cup Final vs. Germany. Dutch fans weren't happy and told the Argentines to go "Falkland" themselves. I like soccer, but if I want to watch a bunch of guys not score, I'll start going to Jitterbugs on Thursday nights.

A group called Syriantruth.org is claiming that the militant group ISIS/ISIL is trained in the use of chlorine gas as a chemical weapon. Terror leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi disputes this, claiming he's only trying to get his whites their absolute whitest. Shiites in Iraq are terrified of this guy due to his plans to force every Shiite to eat their eggs Sunni side up.

AL.com, bless their hearts, posted "tips for not leaving your kids to die in a hot car." Seriously? OK, here's MY tip: don't leave your kid in a hot car. Boom. Done. Honestly, I run the AC higher when I'm simply driving with my dog. I freeze while she stays comfy.

President Obama says he will hire more people to guard our border. Yayness! Unfortunately, the only applicant was the goal keeper for the Brazil soccer team.

A Jacksonville woman reported the theft of a bong from her house. Oh wow, this is in Jacksonville, Illinois. I just assumed it would be Florida. She told the police that it had strong sentimental value because it belonged to her son, who is in prison, and it is all she had to remember him by. Guess she never quite found the time to make that baby scrap book.

Think you've seen a bear? You just might have. Conservation officials say black bears are expanding their range in Alabama. So THAT'S what happened to my pic-i-nic basket!

And a few things you need to know …

It was on this date in 1925, the Soviet Union created TASS, their official news agency. Their motto was, "All the news you're going to hear." Kinda like what you get from me on my morning show.

This date back in 1966, Orbiter I launched on it's mission to the moon. Ironically, Orbiter 1 landed on the moon, while Lander 1 orbited.

Celebrating their 87th birthday tomorrow, 7-Eleven plans an entire week of giveaways that include everything from free Slurpies to free Twinkies. 7-Eleven's owners say they had to give away more free stuff this year to compete with the Obama administration.

The man who wrote the book "How to Survive the Running of the Bulls" was gored during the Running of the Bulls in Spain. I can't wait to read his NEXT book, "How to Survive a Terribly Ironic Injury." In this author's case, the "S" in "Spain" is silent.

A group of scientists in Scotland have concluded that global warming could cause the extinction of redheads from the human race. We blondes aren't worried though; we'll just move. DUH!

The heirs of legendary actor John Wayne are suing Duke University to assert the family's right to market bourbon branded with the late movie star's nickname, "Duke." The university is afraid some people will confuse Duke Whiskey with Duke University. Of course, most of those people would be drunken Duke students. Guess they'll just have to "Duke" it out in court.

And ... This is great news to Americans like me who've always wanted to commit suicide on another planet: Astronaut Buzz Aldrin says the U.S. should send Americans to Mars, but those astronauts should establish a colony there and never return to Earth. Ever. Cool, can we send all of the Kardashians? Few people actually understand the concept of not being able to come back. Well, unless you play for Team Brazil.
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by Lisa Mason posted Jul 9 2014 7:52AM
Heartbroken Brazil fans are claiming the Germans cheated in yesterday's World Cup shocker – Germany scored 7 goals to Brazil's measly 1. Let it go. If Germany had scored 6 million goals, there are still some idiots in this world who would claim it didn't happen. Did you know that all Brazilians were given a half day off work every time Brazil played in the World Cup? Sadly for them, their soccer team took ALL of yesterday off while the Germans were in town. Fox News has been running a super all morning that says "Germany gives Brazil 'Das Boot' in the World Cup." Yes, Germany has indeed given Brazil "the boat." Huh? C'mon, Fox; just make a Blitzkrieg joke like everyone else. The only thing that ticked me off about yesterday's game was that the Germans on Team USA weren't as good as the Germans on Team Germany. And what are the odds that a whopping total of 8 POINTS would be scored in a soccer game? A BRAZILLIAN to one.

U.S. immigration authorities are trying to figure out a humane way to deal with thousands of undocumented children who have crossed the boarder. I guess nobody even considered my idea of building a huge waterslide at Six Flags Over Texas that dumps out onto the Mexican side of the Rio Grande.

A 26 year old is under arrest after a knock down drag out with his brother. Johnathon Gesell faces several charges including aggravated assault, criminal mischief and aggravated battery. The brothers had been arguing before Johnathon hit James in the back … with a garden gnome. Want to guess where this gnome-related battery took place? Yep. FLORIDA. Honestly, the plot to Sharknado 2 isn't as absurd as everything that actually happens daily in Florida

Afghani presidential hopeful Abdullah Abdullah is claiming victory victory even though he lost lost the election.

And a few things you need to know …

It was on this date back in 1816, Argentina became Independent of Spain. Otherwise, there would have been one less team in the World Cup.

On this date in 1932, the Washington Redskins were formed. Apparently, the name only had a shelf life of 82 years.

Miley Cyrus's NBC TV special, "The Miley Cyrus Bangerz Tour" tanked in the ratings, drawing a total of only 2-million viewers Sunday night. It was so bad; a lot of people said they turned it off to read Hillary Clinton's new book.

A group of scientists in Scotland have concluded that global warming could cause the extinction of redheads from the human race. The theory is that as the world gets more sunlight and becomes hotter, the gene that produces the red coloring in hair will eventually die off. How do you tell a redhead they are on the verge of extinction? Gingerly.

And … Crumbs Bake Shop, the famous New York chain known for their over-the top cupcakes, is closing all of it's stores. Cupcakes lovers will now be forced to buy delicious baked goods just about anywhere else.

Yep. That's all the news there is. Was tied up with the World Cup yesterday and got zero work done, plus I've got an interview with Judas Priest in an hour! That'll be on the show tomorrow, if I don't waste the afternoon watching Argentina hopefully win.

Filed Under :
Topics : Sports
Location : FloridaNew York
by Lisa Mason posted Jul 8 2014 8:14AM
We're pretty much down to the World Cup teams you can easily find on a map. Germany takes on Brazil today at 2 our time and Brazil is hungry to win the quarterfinal match – no seriously. Many of their people haven't eaten in three days. Even though Team USA is long gone, millions of Americans have been watching the matches. Hopefully they'll all find employment soon. I think the World Cup is a great way to learn about some countries of which we're not as familiar. One of my friends has been cooking World Cup theme-dinners for her kids; when Germany plays she makes bratwurst, when America played – they left to go get takeout. When Brazil plays she makes a Brazilian dish and when South Korea played … her dog ran and hid under the bed. Don't worry! Those of you who don't like soccer only have about another week to wait till you go back to ignoring soccer for another 4 years.

The leader of the Iraqi terrorist group ISIL has released a new video in which he calls on Muslims to carry out a holy war against infidels. Notice, I called them ISIL and not ISIS. They USED to be called ISIS, until people figured out that backwards, it phonetically spells "sissy."

No, the Israelis and Palestinians weren't celebrating the 4th of July with fireworks shows; they were actually killing each other. Customs are very different here. We wait for Thanksgiving to get into those types of skirmishes at Wal-Mart.

Social Media exploded last night with the story of 5 year old Jaderian Holloway who was reported missing in Birmingham. A search was underway as dozens of "concerned people from the Internet" posted the standard "OMG, praying for this family" update … and it turns out the kid was at a relative's house but his mom was too drunk to remember that fact. Wow. Officials say the mother does NOT have a drinking problem; she just has a problem NOT drinking.

Conservatives are crying foul because the Obama administration is suing a Wisconsin plastics company after the business fired several Hispanic and Asian employees because they could not speak English. All the employees who were fired had been on the job long enough to receive at least one "satisfactory" ANNUAL performance evaluation. Gee, if only there was a way for an employer to determine if their workers can speak enough English BEFORE they hired them. You could call it a "job interview." Man, my brain is on fire today!

And a few things you need to know…

It was on this date in 1796, the first U.S. passport was issued. Since driver's licenses weren't around yet, it was the only place you could get a really bad picture of yourself.

On THIS date in 1911, Nan Jane Aspinwall became the first woman to cross the U.S. on horseback, which is much easier than on horse tummy.

The Census Bureau says that more than two thirds of all Baby-Boomers are overweight or obese. In fact, they say that half of all Baby-Boomers make up 2/3's of them.

Let's open a Kickstarter request dedicated to stopping people from asking us to donate to their Kickstarter. One guy has racked up thousands of dollars for his Kickstarter to make potato salad. Hey, if people want to throw away money for a gag, let's get in on the ground floor! I'll do a Kickstarter to make pie, I know nothing about making pie. Or, let's open a store called Kick Start Mart where you don't pay money for a product – you pay money and then get enthusiastic email updates for the next three years about how production has been delayed.

Paul McCartney is back performing after taking 2 months off to recover from a nasty virus. The illness was so severe and difficult to live with; Paul dubbed it the "Heather" virus.

The Chicago White Sox held a free "white rain poncho night" promotion, but when it did rain, and everybody put on their white ponchos, it looked like the world's largest Ku Klux Klan meeting. The guy who came up with that terrible idea? He goooone!!!*

And … The annual Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain, is underway this week. Easily-preventable injury reports to come! Oddly enough, the Running of the Bulls is STILL slightly safer than braving the mall for back-to-school shopping.

*Isn't that what they say when a baseball guy makes a big hit?
by Lisa Mason posted Jul 3 2014 7:55AM
It's 4th of July Eve – do you open your illegal fireworks tonight or wait till the morning?

All along the East Coast, hurricane parties are being cancelled due to a hurricane. Hurricane Arthur is expected to hit the coast of North Carolina, spoiling 4th of July firework shows. Seeing the people on the coast refuse to evacuate makes me feel a bit better about all the terrible decisions I've made this year.

A new Quinnipiac poll of 6,000 Americans reveals that President Obama is considered the worst president of all time. President Obama said he doesn't pay attention to polls---and then he ordered up 6,000 IRS audits.

Southwest Airlines has announced their first international flights... if you don't include the luggage that had previously ended up there.

July 2nd was World UFO Day. It must have been pretty confusing for the aliens. Day before yesterday, everybody in the United States was watching the World Cup, and today, NOBODY is.

After single-handedly blocking shot after shot, US goalkeeper Tim Howard was drug tested after the World Cup match against Belgium. Howard tested positive only for exceedingly high levels of AWESOME.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1608, the city of Quebec was founded by some guys playing scrabble. "So, what am I going to do with this Q and U? Hey, Quebec's a word, isn't it?"

On this date in 1819, the very first savings bank in the U.S opened in New York. It seems odd to open on the 3rd, just so you can be closed on the 4th of July.

Elton John told Britain's Sky News this week that "if Jesus was alive," he'd support gay marriage. Wait a minute -- did something happen to Jesus?

Robin Williams has checked himself into rehab to fine-tune his sobriety. So Robin can avoid the temptations of drugs and booze on movie sets, but he has a hard time saying no to a drunken 4th of July party?

Have a safe and happy Independence Day, and don't expect a questionably-written news blog till Tuesday. I'm taking off and forcing my man Hurricane Shane to wake up early and do my morning show on Monday. Actually – I should let him write this blog as well so he can put HIS spin on the news. Maybe there's something to outsourcing after all!
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by Lisa Mason posted Jul 2 2014 8:06AM
So proud of Team USA for disappointing the haters and making it as far as they did in the World Cup. (I STILL wonder how Switzerland even has a soccer team, when all their fans are always so neutral. "Yay, we hope we win or lose! Or even tie!") Big deal Belgium knocked us out; at least we're not a country known only for fancy waffles and putting mayonnaise on French Fries.

Arthur is expected to morph into a category 1 hurricane soon. Forecasters say he'll drench the East Coast, but I don't believe it. Everyone knows Arthur gets caught between the moon and New York City.

Tensions are very high in newsrooms across America, as editors and publishers battle over whether to call that Sunni extremist group in Iraq "ISIS," which stands for Islamist State of Iraq and Syria, or "ISIL," which stands for Islamist State of Iraq and the Levant. So maybe it's not ISIS, it might be ISIL. That's pretty crappy of ISIS. Their name says IS-IS when it ISN'T-ISN'T. Anyway, in the latest video from ISIL (or ISIS) they're bulldozing a portion of the border between Iraq and Syria, while their leader exclaims, "There are no nationalities. We are all Muslims." Really? We're ALL Muslims now? I totally missed that! Crap, I'm showing my ankles and my hair isn't covered. I'm about to get stoned and we're not even in Colorado.

If you were in a coma yesterday, the Supreme Court ruled that private employers can refuse to pay for birth control on religious grounds. Let's go tell the boss that working on Fridays is against our religion. In the stricter sects, Thursdays are also out. People are wondering how Hobby Lobby will survive protests while being closed on Sundays. Same way Chick-fil-A does? I honestly still don't understand. There are other birth-control options offered by Hobby Lobby (though they encourage the use of one called "the headache") so it's not like they'll have to close in 9 months when all of their female employees turn up pregnant. I've always had an employer with insurance and some things were covered better than others. Our old insurance didn't cover what I call "anti-homicide pills" and several of us who took them just paid for them anyway. It would have been nice if they'd only been $5, but they weren't. So what's the deal? If someone doesn't buy something FOR you, then buy it yourself. Dad's been doing that every Christmas since forever.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1566, Nostradamus died. Ironically, he never saw it coming.

It was on this date in 1937 that Amelia Earhart and her navigator disappeared over the Pacific Ocean. Ironically, their luggage went through to Pittsburgh.

Shia LaBeouf is heading to rehab due to his arrest last week. Frankly, I thought that should have happened after his last Transformers movie.

Ready for the 4th of July weekend? FEMA plans to hold its annual 6th of July fireworks show. Sure, it's late, but you and I paid for it, so we have to watch it. And ,,,This will be the first Fourth of July since Colorado and Washington State legalized recreational pot. They may skip the fireworks show and go right to the hot dog eating contest.

And … Bowe Bergdahl is slowly being reintroduced to the public with brief trips off the Army base at which he's being treated. Not the first time he's "ventured" off base. I'd give 5 Taliban members to never hear this guy's name again.
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by Lisa Mason posted Jul 1 2014 8:15AM
Denizens of the Internet continue the mind-numbing debate over which religious views we can now use as an excuse to get around laws. Pfft! "Executive privilege" usually works. People upset over the Supreme Court's ruling that Hobby Lobby doesn't have to pay for employees' contraception are running into a SNAFU; in order to make protest signs they have to shop at Hobby Lobby. How about we fight the REAL issue with Hobby Lobby; the overwhelmingly annoying scrapbooking epidemic that's infected the nation. Hobby Lobby is a kingpin keeping hoards of bored housewives** strung out on hot-glue, glitter and scissors that cut fancy edges. My former Traffic Diva Vicki Ward is a scrapbooker, last time I saw her she was stealing the shiny satin ribbon off of a Christmas bag I'd thrown away. I tried to take it from her and she nearly bit me while calling the ribbon, "me Prrrecioussssss." WHEN WILL IT END?

I'm going to do a soccer flop so I can leave work early to go watch soccer. Americans are complaining about the referee selection for the U.S./Belgium World Cup knockout round today. The Belgians speak French, and so does the referee, and there could be hard feelings, because the U.S. knocked Algeria out of the last World Cup. Don't worry; the fact that ref and the Belgians all speak French just increases the chance they might surrender to us!* Have you seen video of thousands of World Cup fans struggling to walk up stadium aisles that are unstable? If we get knocked out by Belgium today, I say, "Good!" It's a death trap, it's a suicide rap, we gotta get out while we're young. Cause tramps like us, baby, we were born to run. Honestly, some of the stadiums are so dangerous I'm shocked they're not sponsored by GM.

BP estimates there are 53.3 years' worth of oil left in the world. Boy, it's going to suck when you're 93.

It's a victory for Obama's foreign policy! Poisonous snakes and killer bees are forcing the terror group Boko Haram to leave their jungle hideouts. The snakes and bees probably got sick of waiting for President Obama to actually do something to find those kidnapped Nigerian girls. Well, besides having Michelle make a video. In a related story, Senator John McCain called for arming the snakes and bees. Meanwhile, the Boko Haram leader is baffled; he said the snakes and bees would greet them as "liberators."

The owner of a Birmingham pet grooming business and questionably-named animal rescue center has turned himself in to cops. Scott Kirkland is charged with animal cruelty and operating a business without a license. Doctors are conducting court-ordered blood tests to determine if phenomenally high levels of d-bag are to blame for Kirkland's behavior.

You'd think it would have been done by now, but a state senator is working to arrange a lab test to determine the nature of a creepily unsettling leak from a vault at Cullman Memory Gardens cemetery. The eerie fluid has gone untested for over 5 weeks! WTH? Samples were shipped off but must never have reached their DEATHTINATION. Sorry, I'd do a better pun but my allergies are acting up and I've been coffin and am feeling lich'd.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1863, the famous Civil War battle at Gettysburg took place. I don't know exactly where. I lost the Gettysburg address.

Robert Downey Jr's son has been arrested for cocaine possession. I guess the uh … crack doesn't fall far from the pipe?

Speaking OF, Crack-smoking Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is back on the job after 2 months of rehab. Ford has lost a ton of weight, he's either getting healthy or he's finally starting to LOOK like a crack addict.

Somebody named Jill Farren Phelps has not been fired from the daytime soap, "The Young and the Restless." I'm SHOCKED! "The Young and the Restless" is still on the air?

And … A food truck with marijuana-infused sandwiches is making the rounds in Washington State. Definitely a case of the ala carte before the horse.

*With apologies to Andrew B.
**I expect death threats over the scrapbooking issue.

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