November 25, 2014
6:27 pm
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Lisa Mason in the Morning

 
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 25 2014 8:04AM
News is brief again, my cold's slightly better but the studio is freezing to the point I can't stay in here. I figured out the restrooms in our building have independent heat so I've cranked the ladies' room thermostat up to 85 degrees and have been hanging out in there to get warm. Problem is, the Wi-Fi doesn't reach into the restroom so I can't get any real work done. Thank goodness my Galaxy phone habitually overheats so I can keep a hand warm.

I looked up at the TV and before I realized it was a riot in Ferguson, I thought a city was excited about a sports thing. Upon learning that the police officer who shot Michael Brown will NOT be indicted, protesters in Ferguson, Missouri reacted with quiet dignity and grace. Nah, I'm kidding. They set fire to everything, threw stuff at cops and plundered local businesses. I'm having a hard time connecting protesting social injustice and looting a Walgreens.

Colorado has approved a credit union for marijuana stores. There was a time when banks gave away toasters. Now, they're loaning money to the toasted.

JetBlue is reducing the leg room in its jets by 1.5 inches. I've meaning to complain about all that extra room. I love it when the guy in front of me leans his seat back so I can stare at his dandruff while he sleeps.

Residents of Reading, PA are demanding the city remove their official Christmas tree because it's pathetically ugly. Somebody call whine-one-one! Remember when Birmingham's official tree burned down because of crackheads trying to get copper wise out of the lights? Maybe we could outsource some of our crackheads to Reading and redecorate their tree with fire?

And a (very) few more things you need to know...

On this date in 1758, during the French and Indian Wars, the British captured a fort in what is now Pittsburgh, thanks to a couple of controversial calls by the officials.

Disney will be showing the first trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens this weekend in select theaters. They didn't say exactly when a bootleg version would be leaked to the Internet, but five minutes ago seems like a reasonable guess. Most of your favorite characters will be back. Please don't let there be Jar Jar. Jar Jar Binks was the Yoko Ono of Star Wars.

A New Hampshire woman went directly to jail without passing GO after assaulting her boyfriend over a game of Monopoly. Alyssa Ferraro admitted she slapped her boyfriend because of the game, but didn't elaborate. I'm betting he put a ton of hotels on the really expensive properties and was obnoxious while extorting the ridiculous rent. That's a beat-down waiting to happen.
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 24 2014 7:55AM

One month from today is Christmas Eve! Everybody panic.

Buffalo is preparing for flooding. All that snow is melting, plus there's rain. On the bright side, at least residents there can ride in boats and pretend to be pirates.

Here's where the Ferguson story would be had I written one.

A new study says Americans throw out almost half the food they prepare for their Thanksgiving holiday. I'll donate all of MY leftovers to ISIS and give THEM food poisoning too!

Anyone who says "laughter is the best medicine" doesn't currently have a sinus infection. Hope you brought your own funny to the blog today.

There is a report out claiming that cars of the future will be able to read minds that can anticipate drivers' next moves. Now we just need a jamming signal to block out the driver in the back seat.

I would have done something topical on the Executive Order throw-down but it's terribly cold in the studio – which is not helping the fact I feel crummy.

The children's consumer advocate group W.A.T.C.H. (World Against Toys Causing Harm) has released their annual bad Christmas toy list. The worst toy? Ebola-Me Elmo.

I haven't been doing Bill Cosby stories because he's ALWAYS seemed creepy to me, but there should probably be one of those here. Meh.

At Logan international airport, a nude suspect assaulted an 84 year old man after falling through the ceiling. Police suspect drugs are a factor – they're just not sure if the suspect had taken too many or not enough.

Seriously, I just want to go soak my head. Snot isn't hot!

And … A health study shows that alcohol damages white matter in the brain which can disrupt a person's judgment and reasoning abilities. I hope that study didn't cost a lot.
Filed Under :
Location : Buffalo
People : Bill Cosby
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 21 2014 7:41AM
Achoo.
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 20 2014 7:53AM
"Lake effect snow" is the new "polar vortex!" Buffalo, New York is buried under it but the Bills still plan to play on Sunday. They're offering people 10 bucks an hour plus game tickets to have a heart attack while shoveling out their stadium. I just hope someone can find Luke and Han in all of that before the Empire arrives.

President Obama is going to explain his immigration order tonight from Las Vegas. Hey, if you're going to gamble, it's a natural. He's expected tonight to use executive action to grant amnesty to 5 million illegals, then he'll drive down Lorna Road to personally congratulate all of them.

The remake of the 1984 charity single Do They Know It's Christmas is the fastest selling single of 2014. It's raising money for Ebola. I tried to download it but got a virus.

Brookwood Medical Center, where I once had to wait three hours in a urine-stained chair for a mammogram, has filed a complainey-pants lawsuit to stop construction of a surgery center at St. Vincent's One Nineteen. Spending money on lawyers instead of patients certainly seems like a noble venture, good job!

The new commuter bus running from the dreaded Highway 280 to Downtown has doubled its numbers since Tuesday – 2 people rode the bus yesterday! I'm not saying this bus is useless, but it might as well be a Kardashian in a talent competition.

And … Chris Hemsworth today spends his first full day as People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" by making adorable quotes to the press and causing other guys to ask their wives, "Is he really that hot?" (Yep).
Filed Under :
Location : BuffaloLas VegasNew York
People : Chris HemsworthObama
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 19 2014 8:03AM

Does this Winter Storm have a catchy name yet? Can we name it after Chris Hemsworth? Residents south of Buffalo, NY are saving up to move to neighborhoods where the city plows the streets.

Kaci Hickox, the Ebola nurse up in Maine, is demanding that people stop referring to her as "the Ebola nurse." OK, fine! From this day forth, Kaci will be known as "the Nurse Formerly Known as the Ebola Nurse."

Birmingham rescue workers called for a full Hazmat response after a woman said she felt ill after opening a package. She probably opened her sewer bill, I often had that feeling when I lived in Birmingham.

Now that data is coming in, many on Earth are wondering what the Philae probe is learning while riding that comet. Given that it's the ONE location Kim Kardashian's nude, oily rear-end hasn't appeared, it is learning life is pretty good up there!

Convicted mass murderer Charles Manson is engaged to a 26-year-old woman who was a frequent visitor. Right now, they're figuring out where to go on the honeymoon: the cafeteria or the exercise yard.

Even Ferguson protest leaders aren't immune to irony. St Louis-based activist Elizabeth Vega, who regularly participates in "FTP" rallies, had her car stolen. She could use some help from the police right about now.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date, way back in 1895, the pencil was invented. Up until that time, the teacher could only say, "Get out your number 2" and it wasn't pretty.

Chris Hemsworth was voted People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive." I don't have a punchline for this because I've spent my entire morning show googling pictures of Chris Hemsworth.

Think of Arthur Rankin Jr. when you watch or Frosty this year. He was the animation brains behind them, and died Monday at age 89. Confession: when the little girl reindeer sings "There's Always Tomorrow" to Rudolph, I totally cry every time.

A recent health study shows that women with a little extra weight live far longer than the men who mention it.

And … A Pennsylvania Great Dane gave birth to a record 19 puppies! Sorry – I'm American, I don't know the metric system and this story confuses me– there are 19 puppies per litre? Anyway, sorry the news is borring. Here- have a picture of Chris Hemsworth on a motorcycle.
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 18 2014 8:01AM
Still awaiting a grand jury decision in Ferguson, Missouri – where the governor has declared a state of emergency in advance of professional protesters causing a stink. Officials fear riots, while protesters say they simply desire justice. Because nothing says "justice" like a free flat screen TV.

Great, he's starting a new Family. Notorious killer Charles Manson has the go-ahead to marry the lunatic 26 year old woman who's been visiting him in prison. He's 80. Wow – so a mass murderer is getting married but Chad in my HR department is still single. Hmmmmmm…

Two men held up the Irondale Jacks restaurant at gunpoint Sunday night. The pair fled with cash from the register but watch out because they'll go back back back to Jack's Jack's Jack's for more more more.

And a few more things you need to know …

It was this date in 1820, Antarctica was discovered by U.S. Navy Captain Nathaniel B. Palmer. Forgive me for not being too impressed, but exactly how hard was it to find a continent? Like, if he didn't, someone else wouldn't have?

It was this date in 1981, Luke and Laura got married. Now who's going to admit they're old enough to remember?

Pope Francis says that "Heaven is a party." It would make sense that Hell is as well. Though it's probably one of those parties where they try to get you to sell multi-level marketing schemes.

Arizona State University has installed a prescription drug vending machine on campus. What could possibly go wrong?

Brazil has sentenced three people to more than 20 years in prison for cannibalism. Down there, when they say they're not eating McDonald's any more, they're talking about their neighbors.

And … Hershey's has announced the world may be running out of chocolate. Forget Ferguson, we need a state of emergency declared for THIS! Time to start stockpiling and figuring out which wire starts the car; the Chocolate Uprising is upon us!
Filed Under :
Location : FergusonMissouri
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 17 2014 8:17AM
Hope you wore your lootin' pants today – they're getting ready for riots in Ferguson, Missouri once a grand jury decides whether or not to indict the cop who shot Michael Brown. The timing is impeccable; Christmas is coming and a lot of people have flat screen TV's on their list!

OK, the cock has yet to crow but President Obama has already denied three times that he does not know Jonathan Gruber, an "architect" of Obamacare who made some truly boneheaded comments on tape. Gruber personally worked with the President on the ACA back in 2009 and is currently on the government's payroll, yet no one knows him? In a related story, the chocolate ration has been raised from 1.5 ounces to 1 ounce. Thanks!

According to a new report, Detroit, Michigan is the most dangerous city in the country with Oakland, California coming in second. Apparently, Chicago is just not trying hard enough.

Who says you can't lose weight on a cruise? A Princess cruise ship had to dock in San Pedro after 170 people on board fell ill with a norovirus. Princess Cruises could be charged with impersonating Carnival Cruise Lines.

Democratic Representative Dexter Grimsley of wherever Newville is, wants the law overturned that prevents elected officials from having second government jobs. Grimsley, saying it's hard for lawmakers to make ends meet, doesn't seem to know that Pizza Hut, the BBQ joint on the corner and Walgreens are hiring. If he can't "make ends meet" with his part-time government job, there are plenty of quick jobs he can get. Granted, working the drive through at McDonald's might be beyond his skill set.

Continuing his Asian visit, President Obama traveled to Myanmar last Friday. Vice President Joe Biden is disappointed he didn't get to go because he's always wanted to meet a real Myanmartian.

And a few things you need to know …

This was that Sunday back in 1968, that infamous day when NBC cut away from the final, crucial minutes of a Jets/Raiders game to show the movie "Heidi." What was the final outcome? Oh, I think Heidi ended up living with her grandpa and was really happy to have white rolls, instead of brown. Which is weird because the wheat rolls are SOOOOO much better for you. Wait. What was I talking about again?

On this date in 1869, the Suez Canal opened. It got the name from everyone asking "Su … ez dis da canal?"

Randy Jackson says he won't be returning to "American Idol" after 13 seasons. Funny, I made that decision after 1 season.

Broadway producers are currently working on "Duck Dynasty: The Musical," unless someone can find a way to stop them.

He may be the star of the next Final Destination film -- first the door of his private jet blew off in midair, now Bono from your iTunes account needs surgery after falling off his bike in Central Park. I used to like him but he's just over the top. You know the difference between God and Bono? God doesn't drive around thinking he's Bono.

The Census Bureau says there are now more Americans who have been married 3 times than ever before. The study is misleading, because they're also counting Hollywood sham marriages. C'mon! Everybody knows they don't count!

And … In Beaumont, California, two women have camped out over two weeks early at Best Buy for Black Friday. We don't know what they do for a living, but we have pretty much ruled out everything.
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 14 2014 7:57AM

Another Ebola patient is coming to the US. Health experts say they don't know how the surgeon working with Ebola patients in Sierra Leone contracted the virus. Seriously, knuckleheads? He got it working as a surgeon with Ebola patients in Sierra Leone. He's being flown to a hospital in Nebraska. I'm less afraid of Ebola than I am being quarantined in Nebraska in winter. Since this latest case could rekindle the Ebola-noia that was damped by the midterm elections remember the symptoms; sweating, stomach pains, dizziness and nausea. You know, the same way you feel when you realize you forgot to sign out of Facebook at the office.

Russia is about to start flying bomber tests over the Gulf of Mexico. Vladimir Putin calls it "window shopping." If only we had some kind of defense nyet in Gulf Shores! President Obama has been meeting with Russian and Chinese leaders and has yet to take a stance on the bomber patrols. He told the media, "I came here to send a strong message to Russia and chew bubblegum. And I'm all out of strong messages to Russia."*

The Secret Service has disclosed there were 40 fence jumping incidents at the White House over the past five years. I'm blaming Michelle Obama's push for fitness. In the old days, the fatty whack jobs had to use the gate.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1832, the very first horse-drawn trolley cars appeared in New York City. It wasn't long until there was graffiti on the horses.

McDonald's has brought back the McRib. They're offering it as part of their "What the heck is in this" meal.

After drawing fire for dating the sex offender who molested one of her daughters, Mama June from that insipid Honey Boo Boo show says a sex offender fathered one of her other daughters. As if that makes it OK? What? Stop making stupid people famous! Why didn't Nostradamus warn us about these people? I'm starting to believe TLC is trying to teach us that eugenics sometimes has a place.

An investigative news report found that the Seattle Seahawks have been serving their fans watered-down beer. Yep, their fans are that obnoxious while mostly sober!

The European Space Agency successfully landed a spacecraft on a hurtling Comet. I don't know why they're bragging about it; the spacecraft nearly crushed Comet and could have seriously injured both Donner and Blitzen.

In the spirit of rushing the seasons, we're exactly 3 months from Valentine's Day!

And … I hope you're surviving "COLD SNAPAGEDDON 2014." If you've been safely warm all morning, come to Serra Nissan in Centerpoint with me this afternoon from 2-4 and get your freeze on. Maybe they'll let me do the broadcast inside THIS time. This mess is what House Stark was trying to warn us about.

*Take this movie line and make it work, please
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 13 2014 8:15AM
It's a cosmic first – a probe named Philae has landed on a comet! The project by the European Space Agency is designed to study the origins of the universe. It also lets us know it's possible to get Bruce Willis and Ben Afflek up there incase Earth is ever in danger.

Russia will soon begin conducting bomber patrols over the Gulf of Mexico and the Caribbean. EXCUSE ME?? China is backing the Russians in this latest show of strength … while Barak is over there playing patty-cake with them over climate change. At this point, I trust the night manager at the Panama City Alvin's Island to come up with a better defense policy.

Some of my conservative friends say they're not going to have turkey for Thanksgiving. They say since they already killed dozens of turkeys at the polls last Tuesday, they're tired of it.

The new lead singer of your iPhone, Bono, cheated death yesterday after the rear door of his private jet fell off in mid-flight. Bono saved the passengers by plugging the hole with his enormous ego. All of his luggage blew out and authorities trying to retrieve it say he still hasn't found what he's looking for.

Vice President Joe Biden will visit Turkey on a diplomatic mission this coming next Friday. Biden says he's looking forward to meeting Turkey's first family, both President and Mrs. Butterball.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1775, American Revolutionary forces captured Montreal. Immediately afterwards, a general looked at his map and said, "Boys, I think we might have made a wrong turn."

Creeper alert! 62-year-old actor Jeff Goldblum married his 31-year-old girlfriend over the weekend. Goldblum, meet Gold-Digger.

Oh! I got to try the Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew that everyone's been on about. It tastes exactly like something you might have tasted before on the way back up.

Pat Sajak had a minor meltdown on Wheel of Fortune Monday, when he became frustrated by a couple of dumb contestants and walked off the set. I'm shocked -- Wheel of Fortune is still on?

Matt Damon has confirmed he's returning to play Jason Bourne in a new sequel. How many millions will Universal Pictures pay Damon? Let's just say the movie won't be called "Bourne Free."

Minnesota school will have virtual class instead of closing due to the weather. Say it ain't snow!

Researchers for NBC's "Today" show say that 46% of Americans don't get enough sleep. But then, they're not counting those who pass out day drinking while trying to keep up with Kathie Lee and Hoda.

An overturned big-rig carrying 40,000-pounds of frozen turkeys closed a California freeway off-ramp early Wednesday morning. It took the CHiPs forever to respond; because instead of dialing 911, witnesses alerted the Butterball Hotline instead.

KISS will be the featured performers at this year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. In the early days, the giant helium-filled balloons were released to float over New York and a $100 prize was given to the person who returned a deflated balloon. There was so much violence associated with New Yorkers fighting over who'd get the reward; the tradition was eventually replaced with Black Friday.

And in the Shameless Plug corner:

The Greater Birmingham Humane Society needs your used dog houses, crates and wheat straw (don't use the straw first though) to give to people with no shelter for their pets. You can drop them off at the GBHS on Snow Drive in Homewood through Sunday. Call Holly at GBHS 205-397-8530.

And speaking OF pets … I'd like to welcome to my show My Spoiled Pet Resort and Spa! I especially love it when local businesses come on board like Hollywood Feed and My Spoiled Pet. If you need a place to board your best friends over Thanksgiving, check them out at Myspoiledpet.com. Private rooms, no crating, playtime, massages, baths, TV starting around $30 for dogs. Heck – can I stay there over Thanksgiving???
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 12 2014 7:58AM
All the kids were dressed up like "Frozen" characters for Halloween. Tomorrow, thanks to a polar vortex, we all get to live it! First one to sing that insipid Snowman song has to go stand outside.

The US is Ebola free, but the Ebola Czar is STILL missing in action. Meanwhile, most Americans are still wondering where, exactly, Ebola is. It's just north of Enterovirus. Meanwhile, UAB is banning all university travel to the three West African nations hard hit by the outbreak. So, it's Doctors WITH Boarders then?

President Obama looked quite impressive meeting with other world leaders in China. Nah, I'm kidding. He was smacking on gum most of the time. Miss Carol, my grade-school charm-school instructor warned us she would (politely) knock the gum out of our mouths if we were caught in public chomping like cattle. C'mon, Barak! We ALL know it's Nicorette but Michelle isn't there to find out!

Canadian divinity school professors say they've found an ancient scripture that quotes Jesus using the words, "My wife," which appears to indicate that Jesus was married. I believe the full quote is, "Father, take my wife, PLEASE!" The professors say Jesus' secret wife was Mary Magdalene, and he fathered two children with her. I guess what happens in Canaan doesn't STAY in Canaan.

Some Catholic leaders say there has been a rise in the number of exorcisms. We don't know why. All I've ever done to get rid of demons was to suggest to my friend Rich that it was getting late and "oh wow look at the time," etc. He'd take the hint and go. No bell book nor candle required.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1946, the very first artificial snow was created at a ski area. It resulted in the first-ever imitation broken leg.

On his date in 1892, William "Pudge" Heffelfinger became the first professional football player, he was given $25 and a cash bonus of $500. Plus, he received a promise that when Nike's were invented, he'd get an endorsement deal.

How is Tommy Chong still on "Dancing with the Stars?" Is that that the cast and crew don't want to lose their connection?

Members of the media covering Sunday's Bronco/Raider game in Oakland report they found a dead rat in the press box. They're being assisted in identifying the body by the local bar association.

Pepsico is releasing something called "Dewitos," which is a soda that tastes like Mountain Dew and Doritos. They were going to try it with beer and Doritos, but the name "Vomit" was already taken.

A scientist has perfected a process to make diamonds using peanut butter! They look great but stick to the roof of your mouth. Everyone knows that choosiest mothers choose Jiff Jewelers. He was going to try to make wedding rings out of jelly and designer handbags out of sliced bread, but that project got shut down when MacGyver sued him for theft of intellectual property.

And here's a couple of Official Lisa Mason Shameless Plugs!

If you missed the local film "It Is What It Is" when it won the 2014 Sidewalk Film Festival, you have another chance to catch it tomorrow! A special screening will take place at the Edge Theatre in Crestwood Festival Center, where you probably will not be shot. I wasn't involved in the making of this film (which is why you can safely watch it nightmare-free). It is VERY funny, VERY well done. Please join me in supporting our local filmmakers – their work is often better than Hollywood's refurbished plots. Indie film: not just vampire cowboys eating pudding anymore!

And the doghouse reminder: The Greater Birmingham Humane Society is accepting donations of used dog houses, crates and wheat straw (don't use the straw first though) to give to people with no shelter for their pets. You can drop them off at the GBHS on Snow Drive in Homewood through Sunday. Call Holly at GBHS 205-397-8530. Many fuzzy thanks!
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 11 2014 8:25AM
To all our veterans and their families; there's not a big enough thank you. I wanted to write something profound and moving … but I'm a rodeo clown with a satire news blog and a radio show. I spend more time practicing writing jokes about fast food than I do actually expressing emotion, so know that you matter more than mattress sales and crummy healthcare. Know the Eagle staff and listeners send all the love and appreciation that can be contained in the human heart.

Old man winter hits the Rockies and Upper Midwest. One area of central Minnesota saw 16 inches of global warming overnight. I'm hoping that violently shivering in this studio will work as cardio.

The Caldwell Mill UPS store in Hoover is one of the first in the country to offer 3D printing services. Only about 50 stores in the US have the 3D service. No word if they can print a Matthew McConaughey or the guy who played Captain America. (Sorry, guys – I don't know which female celeb is considered hottest right now, otherwise I would have done a different version of this joke for you.*)

Rant warning: the Ohio officer whose police dog died from heatstroke after being left locked in his cruiser has pleaded not guilty on two misdemeanor counts of animal cruelty. Sgt. Brett Harrison killed his canine partner back in the summer, he was punished by a two-week unpaid suspension and lost 40 hours of vacation. Why was he not charged with the murder of a police officer as anyone else would have been?

The unemployment rate has dropped to 5.8%. It would have been lower if you didn't include all the democrats who lost their jobs this past election.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1620, Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower signed a compact calling for "just and equal laws." Of course, the fine print said, "For us, not for the indigenous people who already were already here."

On this date in 1918, in the 11th month, the 11th hour of the 11th day, World War I officially came to an end. And everyone was pretty sick of one's for a while after that. It gave the soldiers time to rest up before World War II.

A 51-year-old San Diego area man was severely injured last week when an assailant attacked and slashed him with a machete inside a storm drain. Police have issued an APB for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

The USDA has approved a genetically modified potato. Great. Frankenspud!

Members of the media covering Sunday's Broncos/Raiders game in Oakland report they found a dead rat in the press box. The Raiders apologized to the media saying they have no idea how the rat escaped from the luxury boxes.

A new book claims that Bob Dylan once proposed creating an album together with the Beatles and Rolling Stones. Well, it was either that or he once proposed splitting an atom together with a Beagle and bowl of scones.

And hey! It's getting chilly outside – we've got a lot of people in our area who can't afford proper outdoor shelter for their dogs.** The Greater Birmingham Humane society is accepting donations of dog houses, crates and wheat straw to give to people with no shelter for their pets (during the day, obviously. It's going down to freeing tonight so pets go INSIDE). You can drop them off at the GBHS on Snow Drive in Homewood through Sunday. Contact Holly at 205-397-8530 or hbaker@gbhs.org. I owe you a hug for the donation, please help us keep these underprivileged pets warm. Hera Mason has an extra special dog house … it's called MY house.

*Maybe
**Or are just insensitive goons who shouldn't own pets.
Filed Under :
Topics : Human Interest
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 10 2014 7:37AM

President Obama sat down with new key Republican leaders, attempting to find ANYTHING upon which they can agree. So far, they're only able to agree that the officiating in this weekend's football games was terrible.

Marking 25 years since the fall of the Berlin Wall, ex-Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev says the US needs to lift sanctions against Russia or face global consequences. Is it cold in here or is that just the war?

New reports say that despite all the bad publicity the cruise ship industry is still dealing with, terrorists are now using cruise ships to travel to Iraq and Syria. Well sure! When the electricity goes out and passengers are starving and risking death to wade through sewage, it reminds them of living in their caves at home.

I'm shocked no one in the SEC has created one of these yet. Brazil's Corinthians soccer team is setting up a 70,000 plot cemetery in which fans can be buried among some of the squad's former players. Given the arbitrary safety standards of Brazil's streets and soccer stadiums, they might need to add a few plots.

FEMA says they goofed and gave some victims of Superstorm Sandy benefits to which they were not entitled, now the agency wants the money back. What's the difference between FEMA and Superstorm Sandy? One is a terrible disaster and the other was a storm that hit the Northeast.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1801, the state of Kentucky outlawed dueling. Especially banjos.

Disney has announced the new "Star Wars" movie featuring the return of 71-year-old Harrison Ford as Hans Solo will be titled, "Star Wars: The Force Awakens." To be perfectly honest, with Ford in the film, the force awakens every 45 minutes to go to the bathroom.

Swiss Scientists say they've created ghosts in a laboratory. Can we not just go creating things? Soon ghosts will start wanting $15 an hour.

Duchess - or is it Princess now? I don't know. Kate's younger sister, Pippa Middleton, will soon become a correspondent for the "Today Show." This puts her directly behind Kathie Lee and Hoda for 7th in line to Matt Lauer's throne.

Jose Cuervo Tequila has bought out Bushmills Irish Whiskey. You'd have to call it a hostile takeover, because it happened during a bar fight.

At long last, the invisible mouse problem has been solved! Japanese scientists have successfully created mice which are mostly clear. So the Swiss created ghosts, the Japanese have their clear mice. Here in the US … they're working on Doritos-flavoured Mountain Dew. Priorities, people!

The Discovery Network will air a special in which a moron will be eaten by a giant anaconda, and then yanked out of the snake's belly with a special cord. I'm okay with it as long as the guy being eaten is Justin Bieber.

And just so you know… Disney says that 3 million princess dresses from "Frozen" have been sold. That means 313.1 million Americans are WITHOUT a "Frozen" princess dress! Meet the REAL 1%er's! If elected, I will end Princess dress inequality.
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 7 2014 7:48AM
The president says he wants to look for common ground between himself and the Republicans. So far, the only thing they can agree on is that they're both pretty iffy on Michelle's organic agenda.

We have the No Fly list, but what about a No Sail list? Interpol says wannabe terrorists are taking cruise ships to join ISIS. All aboard the Carnival Jihad! Sing it with me: "The Haaaaate Boooooat! Soon will be loaded up with guns. The Haaaaaate Booooat, promises bad times for everyone. Set a course for destruction, your mind on the Caliphate…"

Still looking at the election results map. I haven't seen this much red since the first wedding on "Game of Thrones."
Did you know there are now 100 women in the House of Representatives, the largest number in history? The new women's caucus first order of business will be legislation requiring all Congressional toilet seats be left in the down position.

UAB says they've cured diabetes in mice. This is great news for all the diabetic mice Downtown.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1805, Lewis and Clark first saw the Pacific Ocean. It looked just like the Atlantic Ocean, but just in the other direction.

Doctors are warning that sitting can become the new smoking. Wait -- so, if I want to sit down, I'm going to have go 25 feet from the front door?

The 2014 Country Music Awards were held Wednesday night. And once again, Republicans were the big winners.

If you missed it, charges have been dropped against AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd for trying to hire a hit man. This has not only shaken up a lot of people, but for some, it shook them all night long.

And … depending on which corner of the Internet you are from, you may have encountered my mother. We had a little issue regarding formal wear and I went on an angry rant the likes of which has not been seen since they cancelled "Burn Notice." Mom requested that I keep my mouth shut and let HER write what WOULD have been a vitriolic rampage on my first world problems (had I written it). SO here you go: a note from My Mom.

If you are a bride-to-be in the Huntsville area, don't depend on Modern Bride on Regal to deliver on the promises they make for your wedding day. Beautiful gowns, lousy management. Send the guys in your wedding party elsewhere for their attire. A recent order placed about 2 weeks in advance for a tux was never even placed by the store, though they happily took the deposit. A call on the Wednesday delivery date to see if it was ready was met with excuses, evasions and more promises--none fulfilled. No tux. On the other hand, I explained the problem created by the other vendor to Mr. Lee of Lee's Tailoring and Menswear on Bob Wallace at 4:00 pm on Wednesday and he promised the needed tux by Friday. He personally called to say it was ready on Thursday afternoon. Promise made, promise kept.

(Mom is a lot nicer than me, plus she uses spellcheck).

Filed Under :
Location : Huntsville
People : ClarkLeeLewisPhil Rudd
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 6 2014 7:42AM
Time to get out and hit those "After Guy Fawkes Day" sales!

Millions of Americans voted in the Midterm Elections on Tuesday. Of course they did; the attack ads were running double. The only way you could get away from this election was by going to vote.

Just want to warn you that a polar vortex is expected in the central US next week. Here's to shivering under the blankets burning as many calories as the gym.

A guy at the BOO Halloween Party told me, "I love your news but it has a certain 'slant.' Why is that?" Because it's my show, that's why. He dared me to make a joke that slants the other way so here ya go: The Republicans have taken control of the Senate, and now control both houses of Congress. I can't believe, in this age of Ebola, the Democrats managed to lose an election to the party that wants to take away your health care. There. Happy now?

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1860, Abraham Lincoln was elected our country's 16th president. As part of the job, he got the White House, a nice office and some sweet theater tickets.

In 1861, Jefferson Davis was elected as President of the Confederacy. That automatically made him the coach of the South for the annual "North-South" game.

Oprah has unveiled her favorite things for 2014. I'm just going to assume that the election results were not on her list.

Tom Hanks will publish a book of short stories about his collection of typewriters. Kids; a "typewriter" is like a desktop computer but with a ribbon and paper. You can't access Facebook from it to post about your food. Weird, I know.

A 90 year old homeless advocate has been arrested for handing out free food to the needy in a Ft Lauderdale park. Glad the Florida PD is cracking down on the tough criminals instead of the face-eating bath-salt rednecks.

"Sesame Street" turns 45 next Monday. The episode will be sponsored by the letters, "A-A-R-P."

I am THUNDERSTRUCK that AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd has been arrested in New Zealand. He's 60, so what could he possibly have done? Thrown a fit because a restaurant wasn't open for dinner at 4:30? Nope, he was busted trying to hire a hit man. He was also caught with weed and meth. What a maroon! What kind of world is this when AC/DC has to subcontract out their dirty deeds? The "Rock or Bust" tour may turn out to be the "busting rocks in prison" tour because Phil is on the Highway to Jail if he is found guilty. When you need a dirty deed done, don't hire someone dirt cheap, Phil. Go for a proven resume, maybe in Walker County. I guess someone dialed 362-4-36 ... dang. What's the last digit?
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Topics : Politics
Location : Central UsWalker County
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 5 2014 8:36AM

Time to get out and hit those After Election Day sales! Truly, that wasn't an election, it was an EJECTION. You know it is Election Day in Alabama when you hear someone bust out the Rammer Jammer cheer because Parker Griffith lost.*

Just a quick shout out to my open-carry peeps: "CALM THE HECK DOWN." Some guy made sure he'd get arrested for his cause yesterday at a Pelham voting spot, by wearing his pistol past the "no firearms" sign. Doing dumb stunts just for publicity only gives the people who hate you more ammo (lol, see what I did there). I think we should all be armed at all times but there's a time and a place, much like tube tops at funerals. Luther Strange isn't going to come rape you at the Pelham polling place,** so don't make a stink just for stink's sake. Imagine what we could accomplish if we all behaved even semi-rationally.

Oh -- Oil prices have hit a 4-year-low, while the dollar is at an all-time high. Amazing what an election can do.

Washington DC has approved recreational weed. This is about to explain a lot!

SmartPhone app-makers are working on technologies that can analyze emotions and detect honesty using facial cues. Of course, it will be useless in L.A. because of all the Botox. Right now the only way we can tell someone is lying is if they mention they are running for office.

And a few things you need to know …

Remember, remember the Fifth of November! On this date in 1605, the "Gunpowder Plot" failed as Guy Fawkes was arrested before he could blow up the English Parliament. With that kind of lack of success rate, he went on to pick the new shows for NBC.

On this day in 1875, Susan B. Anthony was punished for trying to vote in a presidential election. Her punishment was having her face put on that coin that nobody likes.

A North Carolina man has used his "Never Ending Pasta Pass" from Olive Garden to eat 95 meals over the last six weeks. Alan Martin has a new best friend in Olive Garden's head Chef – the Microwave. I never understood their slogan "When you're here, you're family." Just makes me think someone is about to tell me "sit up straight, wash your hands, have you gained weight? Why can't you be more like JUDY's daughter? SHE drives a Mercedes. We didn't pay for college so you could play records all day – get a haircut!"

Starbucks says that one in every six customers pays for their drinks with their phone. Since the cost of a triple-grande latte is about the same as an iPhone, it's usually an even swap.

Charlie Sheen's porn star ex-fiancé has been hospitalized with a drug overdose. Isn't it always the ones you'd least expect?

And … McDonald's is angry about the things healthy-eating advocates are saying about their food, and they make no bones about it. Of course, there are no bones involved when McDonald's makes a 'rib' sandwich either.

*It might have been me.

**Reference to the poorly done radio commercial from his opponent that might be THE worst campaign ad in the history of idiotic campaign ads.
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 4 2014 8:06AM
It's Election Day! All my coworkers who aren't up at stupid o'clock in the morning have already voted and are proudly showing off their "I VOTED" stickers. Oh yeah? Well, I ate yogurt for breakfast but they don't make a sticker for that. The only thing more annoying than the poorly done attack ads with which we've been inundated, are the sanctimonious political posts on Facebook. Just go vote for someone who isn't completely bat-poopy insane.

Remember that CDC guard who was fired for riding in an elevator with President Obama? News outlets claimed he was an armed felon who bullied his way near the president. Turns out he was ordered to guard the elevator and he's not, in fact, an ex-con. At least the libel and slander lawsuit settlements will give him a nice steady income.

Millionaire Steve Balmer says he's tired of looking back on his Microsoft career. I'm sure it must detract from counting his money.

Joran van der Sloot's wife says her killer husband was "seriously injured" in a stabbing inside his Peruvian prison, but a top prison official says she's a filthy liar. Turns out he wasn't stabbed; he involuntarily participated in a health care study concerning internal bleeding and penetrating wounds to sub-critical organs. He obviously failed the study, but he may be given more opportunities to participate soon.

ISIS is now actively trying to brainwash children in Syria and Iraq into becoming cold-blooded killers. That's why they're using chemical weapons made from chlorine gas. They not only want to keep their whites their absolute whitest, they also want to keep their brainwashed Shiite children their absolute Shiitest. Golly, I hope you had some of that lunch left.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1922, the entrance to King Tut's tomb was discovered. At first, they weren't sure it was actually him; he was so well-preserved that he appeared like he was made out of clay. Yeah, they thought they saw a putty Tut. Wow. Hope you packed a lunch.

The final College Football Playoff rankings will come out on December 7th. Sunday, December 7th, 2015, a day that will live in infamy … if your college football team does not play in the Deep South.

Walmart's Black Friday specials have been "leaked." That's a bit of a fib since THEY leaked the list themselves to drum up hype. I only mention this because it guarantees stuff like the Frozen Elsa Doll will be sold out by the time you get there and you'll wind up having to trample people to death for no reason. Now that I think of it, Ole Miss could have used Black Friday shoppers instead of their offensive line last Saturday.

First it was Renee Zellweger. Now, Janet Jackson has shown up almost unrecognizable from the facial plastic surgery she had. Not that Janet was recognizable as Janet BEFORE. I always thought she looked like Michael because they had the same nose. No seriously, it's literally the same nose.

Hoover police are searching for a man they say stole credit and debit cards from gym facilities. We're left wondering what special brand of moron leaves their credit cards unattended. "Not even the risk of identity theft's gonna keep my glutes off the squat rack, broseph!"

A British communications expert says, in the grand scheme of things, misspellings and typo's don't really matter. That'z gud.

And … It's MO-vember, when you're supposed to grow a mustache to raise awareness of prostate and testicular cancer. It's one of the very few good causes that is uncomfortably itchy when it comes to kissing.
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 3 2014 8:08AM
Election Day is tomorrow! Remember to go vote for the slightly less-repugnant candidate who will be about as effective as a mandatory quarantine order in Maine. At least tomorrow we can trade the obnoxious political ads for the obnoxious Christmas ads. My favorite thing about Election Day is that it makes it a lot easier to weed out my Facebook friends list.

OK. Two of the early U.S. Ebola patients flew on airplanes before being quarantined. THEN we had that wackadoo nurse in Maine who went on a bike ride and the Ebola doctor who wandered around New York for days before seeking treatment. I'm beginning to think that one of the symptoms of Ebola is wanting to travel.

Finally, Hueytown drama that doesn't involve Jamis Winston. 18 year old Zachary Torrance is in jail for robbing 4 Subway restaurants in 4 days. His motive? Torrance says he tried the "Jared Diet" and it didn't work so he wanted his money back. Being chubby is now the least of his problems as he'll get to experience the "prison diet."

A Halloween Horror Cruise in the Bahamas got a real scare when the ship struck the dock and began to tilt. The costumed passengers reacted with quiet dignity and grace. Nah, I'm kidding, they fought each other for life jackets and screamed as they waited hours to be evacuated. The guy driving slammed into the dock much like I do trying to back out of my garage. The only thing shocking about this latest cruise ship fiasco? It was not a Carnival Cruise.

Apple is asking the State Department to let them sell iPhones in Iran. If Iran allows the iPhone to come into their country, it will give all of the women there something else they're not allowed to do. They're calling it the iRAN, aren't they?

After 3 years under construction, the Vatican's Sistine Chapel has installed a new air conditioning system. Bear in mind, if you see black smoke rising from the air ducts of the Sistine Chapel, that means Pope Francis accepted the lowest bid from a contractor.

And a few things you need to know…

It was on this date in 1782 that Britain officially recognized the United States. We had been wearing a disguise up until then.

In 1952, Charles Birdseye introduced frozen peas. Finally, a vegetable that could double as an ice pack! Hard to believe it took that long to develop frozen food, especially in places like Russia. Thanks, Mr. Birdseye! Let's all sing "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

The very first coast-to-coast color TV broadcast took place on this date in 1953. Unfortunately, NBC chose to show a documentary on zebras and penguins in the Antarctic.

Today is Godzilla's 60th birthday. As a special treat, he plans to go downtown and terrorize the local AARP office

Americans turned their clocks back an hour yesterday, so that all those farmers from 1918 can more easily harvest their crops. Of course, in Iraq and Syria, ISIS turned the clocks back 600 years.

A candidate for Lt. Governor in Arkansas has admitted having a past job as a male stripper. This explains how he has paid for most of his campaign with dollar bills.


Did you know Ben Affleck is the 8th actor to portray "Batman" Can you name all the actors who've gotten inside "Batman's" uniform? Not counting Robin, of course.

Turkeys are fighting to enter the Main Course Protection Program because thanksgiving is 3 weeks from Thursday. You can tell it's close to Thanksgiving because all the Valentines stuff is up at Costco.

And … A new Halloween trend kicked up this year. If someone displayed a teal pumpkin; it meant their house was handing out allergy-free treats. And if somebody displayed pumpkins painted 50 shades of grey; it meant they were handing out blindfolds and handcuffs.
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