July 24, 2014
12:48 pm

Lisa Mason in the Morning

by Lisa Mason posted Jul 24 2014 7:57AM
Welcome to the latest installment of Moveageddon. I'm headed home today to sit and wait for the Internet Guy who never called even though we had an appointment. I just want my Wi-Fi, baby, why you gotta be like that? I swear; if he ditches me again I'll be forced to sit by the phone and wait for him some more. He'll call. I know he will. He wouldn't leave me like this.

Yesterday, not having Wi-Fi and not knowing how to work the TV, I did what everyone does on a beautiful summer day when they're bored; went to wash my hair. I turn on the faucet aaaaaand … nothing. Seriously? The water's been on for four days and now it's suddenly cut off? I haven't even had a chance not to pay a bill! So I call our Friendly Birmingham Water Works and Sewer Board for a swift fix to the situation.

I made it to the "there are 4 calls ahead of you" announcement when they disconnected my call. I call back, and get "there are 20 calls ahead of you." Yayness!

Long story long, the lady informed me I had never transferred service. Yes, I did. Last week. It took 5 calls. I even have a fax confirmation, call log and another representative's name to prove it.
Turns out The Man who set up the change of service "is not now nor has ever been employed by the BWWSB." What? Was he some crazed lunatic who just ran into the BWWSB offices and started answering calls like a madman? It's like dealing with some shadowy agency like Specter or, more appropriately, Hydra. Hail Hydra!

Long story even longer, I'm waiting on Mr. Water to come turn my water back on but really honestly wanted to take a bath so I fill the tub with bottled water like a Kardashian. I never thought I'd be jealous of all those people in Sochi, Russia who had to bathe in tainted water. Sure they couldn't get it in their eyes due to risk of blindness, but at least they had the OPTION and it didn't cost about $80 at Costco.
Naturally, Mr. Water is running late so I cracked open another bottle of H20 and did a deep conditioner treatment. It's what Uma Thurman would do. (Actually, Uma would have personally visited the Water Works and gone Kill Bill on them … or she would have just taken her precious fax confirmations and call logs and said, "Yes, I'm home all day. Please send Mr. Water over to turn my service back on"). Because that's all you can do when you're dealing with a Bond villain-level entity of evil; play along.

On the bright side; my hair DOES look lovely when washed with half a case of Smart Water. Hey! Maybe the Smart Water will make me smart enough to move out of the Water Works service area! Problem is, I used all the water in the tub and have none left to drink. Good thing I've seen every episode of Man vs Wild!

Anyway, I DID have some actual news written but I've used up far too much valuable internet space with this wall of text. The only semi-giggle-worthy lines involved Biden at the NAACP meeting and Camilla's oat bucket. You're really not missing anything. Now excuse me, I feel it in my heart that Internet Guy will come and install my precious Wi-Fi. He'll call. You wait and see.
Filed Under :
Location : Sochi
by Lisa Mason posted Jul 23 2014 8:04AM
Still no internet at home. No, I did not go back to Starbucks yesterday to latch onto the free Wi-Fi, instead I stayed home and eventually used a hot spot (which is still pretty hipster if you ask me). I just didn't feel like putting on an eco-friendly t-shirt of Obscure Band along with a scarf I'd claim to have knitted myself. Then I realized: I don't even know how to turn on the new TV's. Nor do I know how to activate the hot spot on my phone. NOR do I know how to work the Direct TV remote!
So instead of going to meet up with Atticus, Nico and Piper at Starbucks, I went to the basement and turned on the radio to try and catch the latest news. It was very 1945. I totally expected the Jerries to start bombing at any second and I started talking in an old-movie voice. "Applesauce! This air raid came at the worst time! I had a cake in the oven that would have been ring-a-ding. I might just snap my cap if the all-clear doesn't sound soon." It was the only logical course of action. On the upside; I might land a job as an Air Warden. Anyway – on to something like news…

Israel is accusing the US of aiding Hamas because the FAA has cancelled all flights to Israel because of the escalating violence. Yet you can still book a flight to Ukraine. Go figure.

FINALLY that mystery liquid leaking from a Cullman crypt is being tested. Wow – we've only known about the creepy seepage since MAY. Way to get right on the case, Quincy. That cemetery should just go buy a new crypt at one of those 'big box' funeral supplliers, It's one-stop coffin!

Texas Governor Rick Perry has ordered 1,000 National Guard troops to help protect his state from an influx of illegal aliens. Weird Al Yankovic's is catching heat for his latest parody song, "Four Dead in El Paso."

"Birmingham is a city on the move!" It's a hilarious little slogan since the City Council is bowing to local pressure to block "Uber" from expanding into the city. It's a ride-sharing company and some local "professional driving services" say the gas and money-saving ride option is a bad thing for the city. It WOULD be a very bad thing for the towing companies who lurk Downtown like a pack of velociraptors waiting to spring on anyone who tries to park for more than .05 seconds.

A North Carolina man is in jail today, after leaving his 98 year old wheelchair-bound mother locked in his truck for nearly 5 hours while he gambled in a Maryland casino. The woman was dazed and confused when rescued but is OK ... except for having idiot offspring, she's OK. Remember, when you ask "How stupid can people be?" Some people will take that as a challenge.

If you're going for that "don't hire me" look, there are now tattoos for your teeth. Just be sure to use a reputable dentist. I made mine sign a waiver that read, "Do you swear to tat my tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?"

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1885, Ulysses S. Grant died at the age of 63. He wanted to be cremated, but as much as he drank, they were afraid the fire wouldn't go out for months!

On this date in 1998, scientists announced they had been able to clone 50 mice. At long last, our country's mouse shortage was over.

Monica Lewinsky turns 41 today. Golly, seems just like yesterday she was crawling around on the floor of the Oval office.

This past June was one of the hottest on record! The average global temperature was just over 61 degrees. 61 degrees??? Turn on the darn heat!

The bad news, Casey Kasem's body is still missing. The good news, this weekend, Ryan Seacrest will broadcast the Top 40-places it might be.

And …There was a George Harrison Memorial Tree at L.A.'s Griffith Park, but it has died ironically as a result of hungry beetles. My Sweet Lord what's next? The Ringo Starr Tree wasn't damaged because even hungry beetles said it wasn't very good. This is the latest in a string of bad luck for the celebrity tree section; the Jimi Hendrix Memorial Tree died last year of a drug overdose.

by Lisa Mason posted Jul 22 2014 8:01AM
No news entry today. I'm in the middle of moving and the company who was to SUPPOSED to supply my internet (I won't give their name but they go by just their initials) simply never showed up yesterday for an appointment that was booked last week. Despite numerous confirmations. Despite saying they were on the way. NOW I'm told that on Thursday, I'll have the golden opportunity to sit at home and wait for an installer to (maybe) come by and bring me into the 20th Century by hooking up the Glorious Internet.

Till then, I have to resort to the hipster method of loitering in places with free Wi-Fi. Attempting to write my news last night, I put on my little black rimmed glasses (that aren't really prescription) and sat at Starbucks with a half-caf latte with a vanilla shot and lo-fat whipped cream because they have free Wi-Fi. I started doing my work but then got sidetracked by a Salinger debate. 20 minutes later, I'm back writing some jokes about the boarder crisis when someone notices I am working on a new Dell tablet/laptop. All Hipster Hell broke loose.
I peer through my fake glasses and notice EVERYONE in Starbucks is pecking away on a MacBook Pro or iPad. All those little Apple logos are all gleaming in the fashionably-dimmed lighting like jungle creatures glaring angry beacons of loathing toward my Android-platform loving self. One guy in a winter hat stands up and points at me, his mouth open in a silent scream much like the dude in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." They saw through my disguise thanks to the Dell! So I did the only logical thing I could; claimed I was fixing my Mother's computer. This appeased the artisanal locovore cuisine mob and they actually invited me back today for a gluten-free muffin.

If I don't get my own internet access soon, I'll soon start ironically wearing quirky post-modern jewelry and listing to Birmingham Mountain Radio.

by Lisa Mason posted Jul 21 2014 8:16AM
Time to get out and hit those "after Moon landing anniversary sales!"

Even though their safety cannot be assured at the crash site of Flight MH17, investigators have been sent to Ukraine … presumably by boat or car.

President Obama is calling on the Israelis to exercise "restraint" during their ground offensive into Gaza. Of course, he said the same thing to Team Germany when they were playing Brazil at the World Cup. With news of the Israeli ground offensive spreading, Hamas put their forces on high alert--which means to start gathering all throwable rocks into a big pile.

A professor at Brown University says the drinking age in the U.S. should be lowered to 8 years old. Oh yeah, that'll make 3rd grade easier.

Breaking news! We're just getting word that the Israelis and the Palestinians are close to a cease fire deal. Hang on, And now I'm being told that the Palestinians are celebrating the news by firing rockets into Israel, while Israel responds by an increased ground assault. C'mon people.

Downtown Los Angeles is at its driest since record-keeping began. Kids in L.A. are spending this summer cooling off on a Slip 'n Stick.

Oh look, MORE word from the Middle East.The Israeli Army says they've been training for years for a ground invasion of Gaza neighborhoods by practicing fighting in public. They even hired those bats from The View as expert consultants.

29-yer old Maarten de Jonge, he's Dutch, I don't know how to pronounce his weird Moon-name, anyway – he's master-level at escaping a horrible death. He missed not one but both Malaysian airline disasters. The a professional cyclist had a ticket for not only last Thursday's doomed Flight 17, but also the still-missing Flight 370. In both cases, he changed his flight at the last minute. I will follow the Non-Flying Dutchman out of ANY foreign airport, anytime.

And a few things you need to know …

It was this date in 1969 Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin left the moon after 21.5 hours on the surface. They left behind a plaque which read, "Here men from the planet Earth first set foot upon the moon, July 1969, A.D. We came in peace for all mankind. Starbucks coming soon."

On this date in 1972, Elvis Presley appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine. This was later in his career, so it actually took two issues to get him all on.

The Church of England's governing body has voted to permit women to serve as bishops. So women can now be Queens AND bishops? I'm not going to tell them how to run their church, but they certainly don't know anything about chess.

Hope Casey Kasem wasn't expecting any dignity in death. It's been over a month since he died, his body has yet been laid to rest … and now it's missing. Wow what a shame; if it wasn't for Mr. Kasem, many of us never would have learned how to count backward from 40.

A Florida woman ordered the most expensive Starbucks drink ever, costing $60.58. She could have spent more, but she only wanted the tall.

We can only assume she already safely smuggled her family out of the country… but A Russia Today news anchor has resigned, saying she's tired of "spreading lies for Putin."

A totally hammered Charlie Sheen had his limo driver take him to an undisclosed Taco Bell in the wee hours last week where customers took cell phone pictures of Sheen slurring his words while ordering some Doritos Locos Tacos. Police didn't show up, or Charlie could have been arrested for being drunk and disborderly.

Archaeologists in central India have discovered 10,000-year-old rock paintings which depict "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" looking extraterrestrial aliens and their space ship! At least that's what my reptilian overlords told me to tell you.
by Lisa Mason posted Jul 18 2014 7:46AM
A Malaysia Airlines passenger plane, Flight 17, was shot down over Ukraine yesterday. Here's an idea; perhaps we could re-route air traffic so planes don't fly directly over active war zones. CNN is beside themselves with another plane story. Early reports indicate that Russia is to blame; let's hope our renewed hatred of Russia makes us feel as young as we were in the 80's!

A ground invasion of the Gaza Strip is underway. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu posted on his Facebook page that the purpose of the operation is to destroy "terror tunnels" linking Gaza and Israel. The escalation comes after almost 2 weeks of violence and a failed cease fire. Both sides; just stop it. The 5 hour humanitarian cease fire lasted a mere 2 hours before somebody twitched. If Van Halen managed to get along for 6 months you guys should put on your big girl panties and YOU put down your rockets and YOU put down your rocks and try to kill each other like thinking, civilized people.

The U.S. intelligence official who was banished from Germany on Thursday says his expulsion from the country will give him more time to spend spying on his family. The last time the German government kicked out an American spy, Bill Belichick was an assistant coach for NFL Europe. And if we really WERE spying on Germany, why weren't we spying on their soccer team? THAT could have really helped us!

Microsoft confirms it will lay off 14% of its work force, giving 18,000 employees the boot. Or, as they call it, the reboot.
Was it intended to be a "weapon of Mass Reproduction-Destruction?" Senate liberals are trying to nullify the Supreme Court's Hobby Lobby decision, but the bill failed to pass so they're forced to abort the idea. Senate Republicans say this should send a chill down the spine down of ALL Americans. Senate leader Harry Reid is asking, "Please explain what a spine is?"

And a few more things you need to know …

On this date in 64 AD, the great fire of Rome began. How a fire could cause such devastation in a city made completely out of stone is beyond me. And for the record: Rome didn't burn in a day.

On this date in 1940, a helicopter was successfully flown for the first time. The inventor was so mad at the many failed flights, he had changed the original name, from the "heck-icopter" to the "Hell-icopter."

In the latest issue of Archie Comics (they still print those?), Archie dies when he takes a bullet for his gay friend who was advocating for gun control. If Archie had a gun, he could have really protected his friend. The only way to stop a bad imaginary character with a gun is with a good imaginary character with a gun.

John Glenn, the first American to orbit the earth and a former U.S. Senator, turns 93 today. While being a senator was nice, he got more done while he was in space.

60-year-old actor Jeff Goldblum has become engaged to his 31-year-old girlfriend. Goldblum, meet Gold-digger.

A spectacularly well-preserved 520-million-year-old sea creature has been unearthed in China. P.F. Chang's says, "Sounds delicious!"

And … The CDC says that one in four Americans admit they do no exercise at all. This means that 75% of Americans are liars.
by Lisa Mason posted Jul 17 2014 7:46AM
On this date, 45 years ago, Apollo 11 blasted into history. Your iPad probably has more computational power than the entire world in 1969, yet these guys went to the MOON while we throw birds at pig houses.

The World Cup has been declared as the most talked about event on social media ever. The most common tweet by American fans: "Hey, aren't one of these teams supposed to score?"

Cue up Motley Crue's "Same Old Situation," the 5 hour humanitarian cease fire in Gaza Strip only lasted 2 hours before the rockets started flying again. Fact*-- most Americans think "Gaza Strip" is the name of an exotic dance.

Major drought going on in Southern Cal. Even President Obama is worried about the severe lack of water; some of his favorite golf courses are there.

Time Warner executives rejected an $80 billion takeover bid by Rupert Murdoch. He wouldn't take "NO" for an answer, so they held a Silver Cross up to Murdoch while shouting, "The power of Christ compels you" to get him to leave.
And a few things you need to know…

One of the Boston bombing victims was asked to leave T.J. Maxx because of his service dog. You can't buy publicity like that. Because you don't want it.

A Seattle idiot tried to kill a spider with a lighter and a can of spray paint. Unfortunately that cost him his home as the entire house went up in flames. JUST STEP ON IT. Sorry to you spider-lovers, I know many sick/twisted people keep them as pets. Last time I was in a pet store I noticed spiders were $70! To heck with that, you can get one cheaper off the web.

And … A new tool called Wi-Fi Honk can alert pedestrians through their cellphone they are about to be hit by a car. Now if we can just develop an app that reminds us why we walked into that room.

*I just made it up but it's entirely probable
Filed Under :
Topics : Human Interest
Location : BostonGaza Strip
People : Rupert Murdoch
by Lisa Mason posted Jul 16 2014 7:56AM
I thought I'd get a lot more done now that the World Cup is over. Nope. What you don't see here is the news I didn't write* because there are 24 hours in a day and if you spend 20 of them up to your eyeballs in minutiae and putting out more fires than Smoky the Bear that leaves you 4 hours to sleep. If you have the same problem, join me today in practising THIS useful tip for time management: turn off your phone and don't check your email. Enjoy!

*If you listen to my show you already know what news will be posted because you already heard it. It's like being psychic but without the hotline.
Filed Under :
Topics : Human Interest
by Lisa Mason posted Jul 15 2014 7:42AM
Deportations continue today down on the border. I don't know why we want to get rid of ALL these kids – they'd greatly improve America's chances in the next World Cup.

Sargent Bowe Bergdahl went from "verge of death and in need of rescue" to "active duty" in less than 6 weeks. Wow – he must be a quick healer. Bergdahl stands to receive $350 thousand tax-free even though the investigation into his "disappearance" is not complete. Officials are waiting for next week's episode of "Homeland" to find out what to do next.

Negotiations are underway to get Israel and the Palestinians to work out a cease-fire. Meanwhile, the U.N. says full-out war could erupt with the return of Rosie O'Donnell to "The View," so they're writing ABC a stern letter.

As unbelievable as it sounds, Secretary of State John Kerry has brokered a deal to break the stalemate in the Afghan presidential elections. Both sides agreed that if Kerry would finally STOP TALKING, they'd let an independent appraiser audit the votes. They should just go with penalty kicks.

Watch this – I'm about to make parents of young girls roll their eyes with just two words: Princess Movie. One dad has gone a step beyond sane to fuel the princess obsession. Jeremiah Heaton, a father of three from Abingdon, Virginia, claimed a patch of land between Egypt and Sudan as his "kingdom" so that his 7-year-old daughter, Emily, can be a "real" princess! What about his OTHER kids, "Chopped" and "Liver?" Heaton flew to Bir Tawil, an 800 square-mile area that, due to land disputes, is claimed by neither Egypt nor Sudan. The area is reportedly one of the last unclaimed pieces of land on earth (and probably a hell-hole). So Heaton actually trekked through the desert in June, planted the "Heaton kingdom" flag and demanded that everyone address his daughter as "Princess Emily." I don't know if this is crazy sweet or just crazy.* Confession – sometimes when I'm outside I see how close I can get to woodland animals and pretend I'm a Disney Princess.**

And a few things you need to know …

It was on this date in 1815 that Napoleon was captured. It was a short arrest.

I'd like to go on record to say the name of the Cleveland Browns offends me, but only in the summer when I'm tan.

There is now a shrine in Japan solely dedicated to hemorrhoids. They say it's so crowded, it's standing room only ... which is probably for the best.

Tonight's Major League All Star Game between the National and the American Leagues will determine which league gets home field advantage in the World Series. It's the opposite of the NFL, where being in the Pro Bowl means you didn't make it to the Super Bowl.

And ... Weird Al Yankovic is celebrating his latest album by releasing a new music video every day this week. Finally, a reason to be happy MTV doesn't play music videos anymore. Just stay away from YouTube and we'll make it through this long national crisis.

*Just crazy
**This is 100% truth
Filed Under :
Location : AbingdonVirginia
by Lisa Mason posted Jul 14 2014 7:56AM
Today is "Bastille Day," honoring the day in 1789 that peasants stormed the French prison and released the 7 prisoners inside. Which, of course, immediately put the guards out of a job. There was no one left to guard. I forget how Anne Hathaway was involved.

Non-soccer fans can have the TV back now that the World Cup is over. It was a bittersweet game yesterday for hidden Nazi war criminals as Germany defeated Argentina 1-0. I don't understand why all those little blond Argentinian kids are crying. German Chancellor Angela Merkel was ecstatic with the win; she texted and called all her friends about it, at least that's what the NSA says. Did you hear one of Argentina's players actually tore his rectum during their semifinal match? He's still whining about it. What a baby; the same thing happened to the entire Brazilian team and THEY'RE not crying about it. Brazilian officials are, however, wondering why they spent 14 billion dollars so the Germans could be so happy, now their workers can risk death dismantling those rickety stadiums. For most of America, that's the last goal they'll have to see for four years.
There's a lot of buzz that this World Cup ended in Holy War as Pope Francis is from Argentina and his predecessor, retired Pope Benedict XVI, is from Germany. Papa Francis Tweeted out a message of loving fraternity, claiming neutrality in the match while the Pope Emeritus went to bed early. There's probably a secret big-screen TV in St Peter's Basilica. No matter which team "God favoured" in the finals, the joke was still on England.

Amazon wants to continue drone-delivery tests. Now, the real trick -- getting the enemy to order the bombs.
Dawn of the Planet the Apes was huge at the weekend box office. I always thought NASA missed the mark by not dressing everyone up as apes when the last shuttle landed.

Hamas continues to deny responsibility for the murders of the 3 Israeli teenagers that triggered the current wave of Mideast violence, saying it was part of a botched operation. Well, then shouldn't Hamas claim "irresponsibility"? Sorry, that joke Israeli not appropriate.

Bowe Bergdahl has been cleared to return to active duty. What? He went from "in terrible shape and in need of rescue" to active duty roughly 2 months? No word on which army he'll be rejoining.

And … Alagasco says if you get a call from someone claiming you owe Alagasco money – it's a scam. Except for the actual calls from Alagasco if you owe Alagasco money
Filed Under :
Topics : Sports
by Lisa Mason posted Jul 11 2014 7:39AM
Greetings! Sometimes it's hard pretending to work on a Friday ... especially when work keeps getting in the way of goofing off. Not much content today because A) I'm live at Serra Kia in Gardendale from 11-1 and have to get allllll the way across town and B) just because. So why am I wasting your time with these faulty excuses? Because if I don't post my daily blog my parents call and ask where it is and why it isn't posted and am I in trouble at work for not posting it.

President Obama is having a seriously bad week in the press. He's being called weak, he's being called ineffective, he's being called detached, and he's being called un-American. And that's just the stuff Hillary is saying. Meanwhile, Sara Palin is demanding President Obama's impeachment. Really she's just demanding attention. LOOK AT MEEEEEEE! Somebody talk about MEEEEEEEE!

The experts say we could expect gas prices to drop by 25-cents a gallon over the next month. The oil execs should have their cars, homes and vacation properties paid off by then...

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1798, the U.S. Marine Corps was created by an act of Congress. Can you believe that? Congress actually did something!

It was on this date in 1804 Aaron Burr shot former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton in a duel. Can you imagine that? A vice-president actually doing something? The loser of the duel had to appear on the $10 bill.

Also on this date in 1979, the U.S. Space Station Skylab came crashing down to earth. However, even to this day, it's still higher up than the congressional approval ratings.

London has come in as the world's top tourist destination with 19 Million visitors expected this year... despite what happened under Jack Bauer's watch.

And ... I guess their ratings needed fattening up: Rosie O'Donnell is returning to "The View." Our long national nightmare is over! Just how did ABC lure Rosie back to "The View"? My guess is whale song.
Filed Under :
Location : London
by Lisa Mason posted Jul 10 2014 8:14AM
After a 0-0 tie in regulation, Argentina beat Netherlands 4-2 on penalty kicks to advance to the World Cup Final vs. Germany. Dutch fans weren't happy and told the Argentines to go "Falkland" themselves. I like soccer, but if I want to watch a bunch of guys not score, I'll start going to Jitterbugs on Thursday nights.

A group called Syriantruth.org is claiming that the militant group ISIS/ISIL is trained in the use of chlorine gas as a chemical weapon. Terror leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi disputes this, claiming he's only trying to get his whites their absolute whitest. Shiites in Iraq are terrified of this guy due to his plans to force every Shiite to eat their eggs Sunni side up.

AL.com, bless their hearts, posted "tips for not leaving your kids to die in a hot car." Seriously? OK, here's MY tip: don't leave your kid in a hot car. Boom. Done. Honestly, I run the AC higher when I'm simply driving with my dog. I freeze while she stays comfy.

President Obama says he will hire more people to guard our border. Yayness! Unfortunately, the only applicant was the goal keeper for the Brazil soccer team.

A Jacksonville woman reported the theft of a bong from her house. Oh wow, this is in Jacksonville, Illinois. I just assumed it would be Florida. She told the police that it had strong sentimental value because it belonged to her son, who is in prison, and it is all she had to remember him by. Guess she never quite found the time to make that baby scrap book.

Think you've seen a bear? You just might have. Conservation officials say black bears are expanding their range in Alabama. So THAT'S what happened to my pic-i-nic basket!

And a few things you need to know …

It was on this date in 1925, the Soviet Union created TASS, their official news agency. Their motto was, "All the news you're going to hear." Kinda like what you get from me on my morning show.

This date back in 1966, Orbiter I launched on it's mission to the moon. Ironically, Orbiter 1 landed on the moon, while Lander 1 orbited.

Celebrating their 87th birthday tomorrow, 7-Eleven plans an entire week of giveaways that include everything from free Slurpies to free Twinkies. 7-Eleven's owners say they had to give away more free stuff this year to compete with the Obama administration.

The man who wrote the book "How to Survive the Running of the Bulls" was gored during the Running of the Bulls in Spain. I can't wait to read his NEXT book, "How to Survive a Terribly Ironic Injury." In this author's case, the "S" in "Spain" is silent.

A group of scientists in Scotland have concluded that global warming could cause the extinction of redheads from the human race. We blondes aren't worried though; we'll just move. DUH!

The heirs of legendary actor John Wayne are suing Duke University to assert the family's right to market bourbon branded with the late movie star's nickname, "Duke." The university is afraid some people will confuse Duke Whiskey with Duke University. Of course, most of those people would be drunken Duke students. Guess they'll just have to "Duke" it out in court.

And ... This is great news to Americans like me who've always wanted to commit suicide on another planet: Astronaut Buzz Aldrin says the U.S. should send Americans to Mars, but those astronauts should establish a colony there and never return to Earth. Ever. Cool, can we send all of the Kardashians? Few people actually understand the concept of not being able to come back. Well, unless you play for Team Brazil.
Filed Under :
by Lisa Mason posted Jul 9 2014 7:52AM
Heartbroken Brazil fans are claiming the Germans cheated in yesterday's World Cup shocker – Germany scored 7 goals to Brazil's measly 1. Let it go. If Germany had scored 6 million goals, there are still some idiots in this world who would claim it didn't happen. Did you know that all Brazilians were given a half day off work every time Brazil played in the World Cup? Sadly for them, their soccer team took ALL of yesterday off while the Germans were in town. Fox News has been running a super all morning that says "Germany gives Brazil 'Das Boot' in the World Cup." Yes, Germany has indeed given Brazil "the boat." Huh? C'mon, Fox; just make a Blitzkrieg joke like everyone else. The only thing that ticked me off about yesterday's game was that the Germans on Team USA weren't as good as the Germans on Team Germany. And what are the odds that a whopping total of 8 POINTS would be scored in a soccer game? A BRAZILLIAN to one.

U.S. immigration authorities are trying to figure out a humane way to deal with thousands of undocumented children who have crossed the boarder. I guess nobody even considered my idea of building a huge waterslide at Six Flags Over Texas that dumps out onto the Mexican side of the Rio Grande.

A 26 year old is under arrest after a knock down drag out with his brother. Johnathon Gesell faces several charges including aggravated assault, criminal mischief and aggravated battery. The brothers had been arguing before Johnathon hit James in the back … with a garden gnome. Want to guess where this gnome-related battery took place? Yep. FLORIDA. Honestly, the plot to Sharknado 2 isn't as absurd as everything that actually happens daily in Florida

Afghani presidential hopeful Abdullah Abdullah is claiming victory victory even though he lost lost the election.

And a few things you need to know …

It was on this date back in 1816, Argentina became Independent of Spain. Otherwise, there would have been one less team in the World Cup.

On this date in 1932, the Washington Redskins were formed. Apparently, the name only had a shelf life of 82 years.

Miley Cyrus's NBC TV special, "The Miley Cyrus Bangerz Tour" tanked in the ratings, drawing a total of only 2-million viewers Sunday night. It was so bad; a lot of people said they turned it off to read Hillary Clinton's new book.

A group of scientists in Scotland have concluded that global warming could cause the extinction of redheads from the human race. The theory is that as the world gets more sunlight and becomes hotter, the gene that produces the red coloring in hair will eventually die off. How do you tell a redhead they are on the verge of extinction? Gingerly.

And … Crumbs Bake Shop, the famous New York chain known for their over-the top cupcakes, is closing all of it's stores. Cupcakes lovers will now be forced to buy delicious baked goods just about anywhere else.

Yep. That's all the news there is. Was tied up with the World Cup yesterday and got zero work done, plus I've got an interview with Judas Priest in an hour! That'll be on the show tomorrow, if I don't waste the afternoon watching Argentina hopefully win.

Filed Under :
Topics : Sports
Location : FloridaNew York
by Lisa Mason posted Jul 8 2014 8:14AM
We're pretty much down to the World Cup teams you can easily find on a map. Germany takes on Brazil today at 2 our time and Brazil is hungry to win the quarterfinal match – no seriously. Many of their people haven't eaten in three days. Even though Team USA is long gone, millions of Americans have been watching the matches. Hopefully they'll all find employment soon. I think the World Cup is a great way to learn about some countries of which we're not as familiar. One of my friends has been cooking World Cup theme-dinners for her kids; when Germany plays she makes bratwurst, when America played – they left to go get takeout. When Brazil plays she makes a Brazilian dish and when South Korea played … her dog ran and hid under the bed. Don't worry! Those of you who don't like soccer only have about another week to wait till you go back to ignoring soccer for another 4 years.

The leader of the Iraqi terrorist group ISIL has released a new video in which he calls on Muslims to carry out a holy war against infidels. Notice, I called them ISIL and not ISIS. They USED to be called ISIS, until people figured out that backwards, it phonetically spells "sissy."

No, the Israelis and Palestinians weren't celebrating the 4th of July with fireworks shows; they were actually killing each other. Customs are very different here. We wait for Thanksgiving to get into those types of skirmishes at Wal-Mart.

Social Media exploded last night with the story of 5 year old Jaderian Holloway who was reported missing in Birmingham. A search was underway as dozens of "concerned people from the Internet" posted the standard "OMG, praying for this family" update … and it turns out the kid was at a relative's house but his mom was too drunk to remember that fact. Wow. Officials say the mother does NOT have a drinking problem; she just has a problem NOT drinking.

Conservatives are crying foul because the Obama administration is suing a Wisconsin plastics company after the business fired several Hispanic and Asian employees because they could not speak English. All the employees who were fired had been on the job long enough to receive at least one "satisfactory" ANNUAL performance evaluation. Gee, if only there was a way for an employer to determine if their workers can speak enough English BEFORE they hired them. You could call it a "job interview." Man, my brain is on fire today!

And a few things you need to know…

It was on this date in 1796, the first U.S. passport was issued. Since driver's licenses weren't around yet, it was the only place you could get a really bad picture of yourself.

On THIS date in 1911, Nan Jane Aspinwall became the first woman to cross the U.S. on horseback, which is much easier than on horse tummy.

The Census Bureau says that more than two thirds of all Baby-Boomers are overweight or obese. In fact, they say that half of all Baby-Boomers make up 2/3's of them.

Let's open a Kickstarter request dedicated to stopping people from asking us to donate to their Kickstarter. One guy has racked up thousands of dollars for his Kickstarter to make potato salad. Hey, if people want to throw away money for a gag, let's get in on the ground floor! I'll do a Kickstarter to make pie, I know nothing about making pie. Or, let's open a store called Kick Start Mart where you don't pay money for a product – you pay money and then get enthusiastic email updates for the next three years about how production has been delayed.

Paul McCartney is back performing after taking 2 months off to recover from a nasty virus. The illness was so severe and difficult to live with; Paul dubbed it the "Heather" virus.

The Chicago White Sox held a free "white rain poncho night" promotion, but when it did rain, and everybody put on their white ponchos, it looked like the world's largest Ku Klux Klan meeting. The guy who came up with that terrible idea? He goooone!!!*

And … The annual Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain, is underway this week. Easily-preventable injury reports to come! Oddly enough, the Running of the Bulls is STILL slightly safer than braving the mall for back-to-school shopping.

*Isn't that what they say when a baseball guy makes a big hit?
by Lisa Mason posted Jul 3 2014 7:55AM
It's 4th of July Eve – do you open your illegal fireworks tonight or wait till the morning?

All along the East Coast, hurricane parties are being cancelled due to a hurricane. Hurricane Arthur is expected to hit the coast of North Carolina, spoiling 4th of July firework shows. Seeing the people on the coast refuse to evacuate makes me feel a bit better about all the terrible decisions I've made this year.

A new Quinnipiac poll of 6,000 Americans reveals that President Obama is considered the worst president of all time. President Obama said he doesn't pay attention to polls---and then he ordered up 6,000 IRS audits.

Southwest Airlines has announced their first international flights... if you don't include the luggage that had previously ended up there.

July 2nd was World UFO Day. It must have been pretty confusing for the aliens. Day before yesterday, everybody in the United States was watching the World Cup, and today, NOBODY is.

After single-handedly blocking shot after shot, US goalkeeper Tim Howard was drug tested after the World Cup match against Belgium. Howard tested positive only for exceedingly high levels of AWESOME.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1608, the city of Quebec was founded by some guys playing scrabble. "So, what am I going to do with this Q and U? Hey, Quebec's a word, isn't it?"

On this date in 1819, the very first savings bank in the U.S opened in New York. It seems odd to open on the 3rd, just so you can be closed on the 4th of July.

Elton John told Britain's Sky News this week that "if Jesus was alive," he'd support gay marriage. Wait a minute -- did something happen to Jesus?

Robin Williams has checked himself into rehab to fine-tune his sobriety. So Robin can avoid the temptations of drugs and booze on movie sets, but he has a hard time saying no to a drunken 4th of July party?

Have a safe and happy Independence Day, and don't expect a questionably-written news blog till Tuesday. I'm taking off and forcing my man Hurricane Shane to wake up early and do my morning show on Monday. Actually – I should let him write this blog as well so he can put HIS spin on the news. Maybe there's something to outsourcing after all!
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by Lisa Mason posted Jul 2 2014 8:06AM
So proud of Team USA for disappointing the haters and making it as far as they did in the World Cup. (I STILL wonder how Switzerland even has a soccer team, when all their fans are always so neutral. "Yay, we hope we win or lose! Or even tie!") Big deal Belgium knocked us out; at least we're not a country known only for fancy waffles and putting mayonnaise on French Fries.

Arthur is expected to morph into a category 1 hurricane soon. Forecasters say he'll drench the East Coast, but I don't believe it. Everyone knows Arthur gets caught between the moon and New York City.

Tensions are very high in newsrooms across America, as editors and publishers battle over whether to call that Sunni extremist group in Iraq "ISIS," which stands for Islamist State of Iraq and Syria, or "ISIL," which stands for Islamist State of Iraq and the Levant. So maybe it's not ISIS, it might be ISIL. That's pretty crappy of ISIS. Their name says IS-IS when it ISN'T-ISN'T. Anyway, in the latest video from ISIL (or ISIS) they're bulldozing a portion of the border between Iraq and Syria, while their leader exclaims, "There are no nationalities. We are all Muslims." Really? We're ALL Muslims now? I totally missed that! Crap, I'm showing my ankles and my hair isn't covered. I'm about to get stoned and we're not even in Colorado.

If you were in a coma yesterday, the Supreme Court ruled that private employers can refuse to pay for birth control on religious grounds. Let's go tell the boss that working on Fridays is against our religion. In the stricter sects, Thursdays are also out. People are wondering how Hobby Lobby will survive protests while being closed on Sundays. Same way Chick-fil-A does? I honestly still don't understand. There are other birth-control options offered by Hobby Lobby (though they encourage the use of one called "the headache") so it's not like they'll have to close in 9 months when all of their female employees turn up pregnant. I've always had an employer with insurance and some things were covered better than others. Our old insurance didn't cover what I call "anti-homicide pills" and several of us who took them just paid for them anyway. It would have been nice if they'd only been $5, but they weren't. So what's the deal? If someone doesn't buy something FOR you, then buy it yourself. Dad's been doing that every Christmas since forever.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1566, Nostradamus died. Ironically, he never saw it coming.

It was on this date in 1937 that Amelia Earhart and her navigator disappeared over the Pacific Ocean. Ironically, their luggage went through to Pittsburgh.

Shia LaBeouf is heading to rehab due to his arrest last week. Frankly, I thought that should have happened after his last Transformers movie.

Ready for the 4th of July weekend? FEMA plans to hold its annual 6th of July fireworks show. Sure, it's late, but you and I paid for it, so we have to watch it. And ,,,This will be the first Fourth of July since Colorado and Washington State legalized recreational pot. They may skip the fireworks show and go right to the hot dog eating contest.

And … Bowe Bergdahl is slowly being reintroduced to the public with brief trips off the Army base at which he's being treated. Not the first time he's "ventured" off base. I'd give 5 Taliban members to never hear this guy's name again.
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by Lisa Mason posted Jul 1 2014 8:15AM
Denizens of the Internet continue the mind-numbing debate over which religious views we can now use as an excuse to get around laws. Pfft! "Executive privilege" usually works. People upset over the Supreme Court's ruling that Hobby Lobby doesn't have to pay for employees' contraception are running into a SNAFU; in order to make protest signs they have to shop at Hobby Lobby. How about we fight the REAL issue with Hobby Lobby; the overwhelmingly annoying scrapbooking epidemic that's infected the nation. Hobby Lobby is a kingpin keeping hoards of bored housewives** strung out on hot-glue, glitter and scissors that cut fancy edges. My former Traffic Diva Vicki Ward is a scrapbooker, last time I saw her she was stealing the shiny satin ribbon off of a Christmas bag I'd thrown away. I tried to take it from her and she nearly bit me while calling the ribbon, "me Prrrecioussssss." WHEN WILL IT END?

I'm going to do a soccer flop so I can leave work early to go watch soccer. Americans are complaining about the referee selection for the U.S./Belgium World Cup knockout round today. The Belgians speak French, and so does the referee, and there could be hard feelings, because the U.S. knocked Algeria out of the last World Cup. Don't worry; the fact that ref and the Belgians all speak French just increases the chance they might surrender to us!* Have you seen video of thousands of World Cup fans struggling to walk up stadium aisles that are unstable? If we get knocked out by Belgium today, I say, "Good!" It's a death trap, it's a suicide rap, we gotta get out while we're young. Cause tramps like us, baby, we were born to run. Honestly, some of the stadiums are so dangerous I'm shocked they're not sponsored by GM.

BP estimates there are 53.3 years' worth of oil left in the world. Boy, it's going to suck when you're 93.

It's a victory for Obama's foreign policy! Poisonous snakes and killer bees are forcing the terror group Boko Haram to leave their jungle hideouts. The snakes and bees probably got sick of waiting for President Obama to actually do something to find those kidnapped Nigerian girls. Well, besides having Michelle make a video. In a related story, Senator John McCain called for arming the snakes and bees. Meanwhile, the Boko Haram leader is baffled; he said the snakes and bees would greet them as "liberators."

The owner of a Birmingham pet grooming business and questionably-named animal rescue center has turned himself in to cops. Scott Kirkland is charged with animal cruelty and operating a business without a license. Doctors are conducting court-ordered blood tests to determine if phenomenally high levels of d-bag are to blame for Kirkland's behavior.

You'd think it would have been done by now, but a state senator is working to arrange a lab test to determine the nature of a creepily unsettling leak from a vault at Cullman Memory Gardens cemetery. The eerie fluid has gone untested for over 5 weeks! WTH? Samples were shipped off but must never have reached their DEATHTINATION. Sorry, I'd do a better pun but my allergies are acting up and I've been coffin and am feeling lich'd.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1863, the famous Civil War battle at Gettysburg took place. I don't know exactly where. I lost the Gettysburg address.

Robert Downey Jr's son has been arrested for cocaine possession. I guess the uh … crack doesn't fall far from the pipe?

Speaking OF, Crack-smoking Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is back on the job after 2 months of rehab. Ford has lost a ton of weight, he's either getting healthy or he's finally starting to LOOK like a crack addict.

Somebody named Jill Farren Phelps has not been fired from the daytime soap, "The Young and the Restless." I'm SHOCKED! "The Young and the Restless" is still on the air?

And … A food truck with marijuana-infused sandwiches is making the rounds in Washington State. Definitely a case of the ala carte before the horse.

*With apologies to Andrew B.
**I expect death threats over the scrapbooking issue.

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