March 5, 2015
12:32 am

Lisa Mason in the Morning


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by Lisa Mason posted Jan 3 2014 8:03AM
No phone: day 2. My replacement S3 is … somewhere out there. Some brainiac listed my shipping address as “Second star to the right and straight on till morning” so I remain phoneless. It’s awful; I don’t know what time it is, I don’t know a SINGLE phone number, I don’t know the date, I couldn’t text anyone during the Sugar Bowl*, I can’t take pictures of my dog doing cute things and I can’t find my way in the dark. Without a cell phone, you don’t realize how you have NOTHING to do when you’re bored, nor can you check your phone while your friend checks hers. I can’t pretend to be busy OR double check the time because I wasn’t paying attention the first time I checked. My plan right now is to go buy a disposable phone and pretend I’m a spy.
Rant over, now on to what passes for news in this gin joint!

It turns out your lucky t-shirt really does have powers. A University of Cologne study found that believing an object is charmed helps players perform better. Golfers who were told the ball they were using was lucky played 35% better than men who were handed a "normal" ball. So, my Tiger fans – get your best gear ready. Don’t do what I did and designate a NEW “lucky” shirt for your bowl game. It’s my fault we lost last night, but I needed a shirt with long sleeves! BTW -- Hey Oklahoma, keep an eye on your pony mascots.  Harvey Updyke was spotted lurking outside the stables.   
A massive winter storm is hitting the Northeast. It's so cold; Phil Robertson gave another interview to GQ magazine just so he could get into hot water. Thousands of flights are cancelled. New York and New Jersey have declared states of emergency. It’s so nasty up there Snake Pliskin couldn’t escape.  

Free at last, free at las—oh wait. The global warming crew recently rescued from being trapped in irony in Antarctica had to wait to get home. The Aussie ice breaker they were aboard was ordered to wait in the region to aid the Chinese ice breaker that’s now trapped in the ice. The crew is safe but they’ve been sitting on ice so long they’ve developed POLAR-roids.

 A manhunt is underway in South Carolina for a man accused of killing his mother and stepfather after he escaped from a psychiatric hospital. Dr. Samuel Loomis could not be reached for comment.

The US is evacuating it’s embassy in Southern Sudan. Guess someone just released a YouTube video?
And a few things you need to know…

On this date in 1943, the very first missing persons report was broadcast in New York City. Hard to believe people didn't disappear until 1943.    
On this date in 1888, the drinking straw was patented. It was much more useful than the eating straw. Seriously? What were they using straws for before then?   

Mel B says that there's a very good chance 2014 will see a Spice Girls reunion. Well, that is unless all of her demands are met. The good news is, it sounds like we still have time to stop it. 

In his New Year's Day message, Pope Francis urged brotherhood and an end to bloodshed. That's easy for him to say. Notre Dame had already played their Bowl game by then.
Ford is showing off a new plug-in car that actually recharges with sunlight. It’s called the “Won’t Sell In Seattle.”  
Animal handlers have successfully trained dogs to recognize the unique smell of a cell phone, so the dogs can be used to locate contraband cell phones in prisons. Considering where people hide cell phones in prison, wouldn’t just about ANY dog go right there in the first place?    

It’s a first world problem specific to this time of year. What year to write down? It's 2014, but "Duck Dynasty's" Phil Robertson is still writing "1953" on his checks.

And … We’re in for some single digit temps next week. Seriously, we really are. Our new receptionist from the Kelly Agency once lost a fight with a wood chipper. If you see someone who left their animals outside in this weather – take them yourself, don’t just Tweet about it. Take them in, and THEN tweet about what horrible people you live near.  I’m calling in cold next week, so have a great week writing your own news!

* Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. 
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01/03/2014 8:08AM
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