November 28, 2014
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Lisa Mason in the Morning

 

LMN 1-31-14 The News has finally thawed!

by Lisa Mason posted Jan 31 2014 9:30AM

I was told yesterday that some groups in North Alabama have taken up donations for “those in Central Alabama affected by Tuesday’s winter storm.” Ummm ... where those donations at? When do we get our canned corn and beanie weenies? Somebody gotta send us a battery for the Galaxy S3 so we can warm our hands! Spending the night at the station, management brought us a dozen frozen pizzas even though we don’t have an oven. They said we could microwave them. No. We don’t even do that in the event of a famine. It was easier to go through the sales department’s desks for cookies and Crown Royal.

 

Meteorologists state wide are being EXTREMELY cautious about mentioning a possible winter storm coming to North Alabama next week. One weather model shows snow for Huntsville which means if WE leave Meadowbrook NOW ... we *might* get to Hoover by Thursday. At least we’re getting back to normal from the Dusting of Doom.  Now the fire department can get back to putting out blazes caused by space heaters instead of digging people out of cars.  


 

 

 

Fans are pouring into New Jersey for the Super Bowl. As are heavy security measures -- military personnel, bomb sniffing dogs, fighter jets even boats with radiological detectors. All that? No wonder tickets and commercials are so expensive! Even with the NSA saying “we promise we overheard something about a homegrown terror plot” we all know the only true threat to the area is Governor Chris Christie getting a little gassy after too many hot wings and 7 layer bean dip.

 

 

Even with weed legal in Washington and Colorado, fans are taking the Super Bowl personally. Denver radio stations are refusing to play music from any Seattle bands while Seattle stations are refusing to play any John Denver songs ... and, for that matter, haven't been for 20 years.

 

 
 

You likely missed it due to the Dusting of Doom, but President Obama raised the minimum wage from $7.25 to over $10 an hour for federal contractors. How have federal contractors been paying for those infamous $500 hammers if they were only making $7.25 an hour? Many Americans are asking why we should raise the minimum wage for menial laborers. They'll just blow it all on booze, drugs and campaign donations to Democrats. Seriously, $10.10 an hour and you’re STILL gonna get spit in your Big Mac.

 

 

Pope Francis has become the first Pope to grace the cover of the Rolling Stone magazine. Pope Francis was thrilled and says, "I'm gonna buy 5-copies for my Mother … Superior."


 

 

And a few things you need to know …


 

 

On this date in 1958, James Van Allen discovered the radiation belt. Years later, he found the matching shoes.

 
 

A court has approved a vote for medicinal marijuana in Florida. And you thought they were driving slow now.

 

I’ve been so out of the loop -- what the heck is an “iFrankenstein?” It better not require a new charger!


 

 

Wow, we're already up to 36 hours since Justin Bieber's last arrest. How time flies! Over 200 thousand people have signed a petition to have him deported back to Canada. His Miami Beach drug sample tested positive for weed, Xanax and Sunny D. I think in this case, the "D" stands for "doucheyness.”

 

 
 

Thanks to recent legalization.. You can now invest in weed on the stock market – it’s a little sketch. You have to buy the stocks from a guy in a van downtown.

 

 

China's lunar rover has broken down on the surface of the Moon.  You really can't be surprised; it WAS made in China. Usually when a Chinese "Rover" breaks down, they eat him.


 

 

And … I refuse to let China have the last word in a story about space. Today is the official NASA day of remembrance for our fallen astronauts. The crews of Apollo 1 and the shuttles Challenger and Columbia are being honoured along with their families. Personally, I’d add Cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov to the list. He may not have been “one of ours” but his brave spirit flying in the face of certain death is the same soul that drives the USA to explore, dare and search for that which is deemed impossible. Well … that used to be our spirit. These days most just whine that their handout wasn’t nice enough for them or how microwaving pizzas is wrong. What has happened to us? Where’s the fire? Where’s the love of a dangerous challenge? Where’s the success when hope was thought lost? Here’s dreaming of a day when these deaths will not be in vain, buried under red tape while we hitch Russian rides to the ISS* and wait for Big Brother to raise our chocolate ration. Let’s learn to be strong again, and let everyone else eat our dust.   
 

The crews of Apollo 18 will not be honoured today because they screwed themselves up sneaking around the Moon in the first place.**


 

**That Russia never finished even partially paying for.

**And also because they’re fictional,*** despite what some massive conspiracy loons say online.  

***That we know of. 

 

 

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01/31/2014 9:40AM
LMN 1-31-14 The News has finally thawed!
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