~~I was asked why the news has been A) so short and B) rather unfunny lately. It’s because IIIIIIIIIIII don’t have time to wriiiiite and WHOOOOOO is going to wrap allllll this stuff?! I haven’t even started shopping for my dog! I didn’t realize Christmas was Wednesday till someone at the gym mentioned it. They asked “Are you Jewish?” I replied no, but I swapped my Google Calendar from Gregorian to Julien and thought today was December 4th. Anyway, on to the news!
A federal judge has ruled that the NSA spying is “almost certainly unconstitutional” and that it is “almost Orwellian” in nature. Orwellian? What does a shadowy government entity that exerts constant surveillance over citizens have to do with the Spanish Civil War? He wrote several books about his experience in the war so I’m not sure what Judge Bookey McReader is referencing.
You can finally go to jail in Bessemer again! The jail, closed in 2009 due to budget cuts, has reopened. To get a personal tour of the facility, all you have to do is get arrested.
Some top-notch local reporting happening this morning on the gas explosion that levelled two apartments in Gate City. The reporter on a station I won’t call by name (but it rhymes with “Mannell Morty Moo”) complained that the police had set up a barricade for safety and vowed to viewers that “we’ll try to get our truck around barricade so we can talk to some of the people back there by the gas leak.” Or you could, I don’t know, let the police work instead of acting like Marius in Les Miserables?
Honestly, Orwell has like four books on the Spanish Civil War. What does that have to do with anything involving the NSA and an administration that does at it pleases despite the constitution?
China makes the first unmanned soft landing on the Moon since 1976. Their first mission: to find life on the planet. Their second mission: to see if that form of life could be an even cheaper work force.
I’m still scratching my head over that judge’s reference. What other Orwell book could possibly aptly describe the NSA situation? I mean, you have a ruling party who expects citizens to swallow any lie that is told to them without question. Could he be talking about “Such, Such Were the Joys?”
Happy 77th birthday to Pope Francis, he’ll celebrate by quietly continuing being awesome. The Vatican is selling scented candles for the occasion – but they all smell like pope-purri. Wow, pack a lunch.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1777, France became the first nation to recognize the U.S. as a nation. It was a way for them to be cutting-edge and rude at the same time. In fact, they were so inspired; they had a revolution of their own. Oh they liked the idea of independence, they just wanted to do it together with someone stronger.
On this date in 1903, the Wright brothers became the first to fly an airplane in America! They stayed up for 12 seconds. I'm going to stop right there.
The producers of "Family Guy" averted career suicide by having the character Stewie go back in time to save the life of the family dog Brian, who was killed off. Fans were outraged because Brian is awesome. They should have killed off Meg because she’s entirely unlikable.
Speaking of animated shows … The first episode of the Simpsons aired 24 years ago today. That was back when it was still funny.
Bill Pullman turns the big 6-0 today. He was the president in "Independence Day." He taught us all a valuable lesson: in times of crisis, bring in Will Smith and Harry Connick, Jr. His poll numbers are still higher than President Obama’s.
Did you know that critics of the live version of the Sound of Music say Carrie Wood's understudy was called the "Underwoody"? Her her acting coach is being called an "Undertaker."
Tom Cruise is doing another "Mission Impossible" sequel. In this one, he tries to sign up for ObamaCare online.
Unauthorized Aryan Nation spokesperson and Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly is defending her comments about Santa and Jesus being white guys. She says she was obviously joking and anyone who didn’t get the joke is just a hater who will attack anybody at Fox. She's right. Nobody gave Anthony Weiner any flack when he went on MSNBC to say Santa was 50 Shades of Grey. The good news for Megyn is that her statement vaulted her all the way up to #50 on the list of stupid things said on the news in 2013. I don’t know why it matters if some chirpie wants to say Santa and Jesus are white, but what’s her ruling on Halle Berry and Beyonce?
And … The Mega Millions Jackpot is up to 586 million dollars. Yes I have tickets. Yes my boss will have to find a replacement for me after I win. Unless I can do my show live from Fiji.