by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 31 2014 8:21AM
Happy Halloween! Don’t expect much from the news today – The whole staff came in costume and the plume from my pirate hat keeps flopping in my eyes and it’s hard to type. Plus I’m getting out of here early because of the BOO Halloween Party at B&A tonight. I hate the fact it’s going down to 33 degrees tonight because wearing a coat over your costume is the worst. #FirstWorldProblem. In lieu of content or humor, here: have a picture of my dog wearing her Halloween collar.
Kaci Hickox – who will end up on the next Dancing with the Stars at this rate – still refuses to be quarantined and went for a bike ride yesterday. She just wants attention and money, I just want to show her how to do her eyebrows correctly. I'm waiting for the headline: "Obnoxious Maine Nurse Defies Home Ebola Quarantine. Seen Bobbing for Apples."
Apple CEO Tim Cook has announced that he's gay. Big deal? There was a time when it wasn't PC to say that. Of course, he's not a fan of PC's, so never mind. Side note – did he HAVE to act so tacky when he was here the other day? What a colossal jerk. “Hi Mr Cook, we’d like to honour you with an award!” “Great I’ll use it as an opportunity to make fun of you.”
Google is working on a pill that can detect illness. You simply take it, it checks your body, and if it finds a disease, it goes "Bing!" Uh, they're going to have to work on that last part.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1956, an American landed a plane at the South Pole for the very first time, in one of the worst time-share swaps in recorded history.
A Lowe's store in California is using robots to assist shoppers. It works pretty much like your Smartphone. You ask it "Which aisle has the hammers?" and it replies, "Why would you want to file your slammers?"
Vice President Joe Biden is set to visit Turkey in November. Yes, he's going to 'Turkey' in November! Talk about a target-rich joke environment. Asked why he scheduled the trip, President Obama said he's trying to improve strained relationships between the White House and comedy writers.
Whirlpool is selling a "smart" washing machine for $1,700 that can be operated through the Internet where, ironically, most people put their dirty laundry. To wash your clothes, you click on the stains and then hit CTRL+ All-Detergent+ Delete. Of course, you do have to worry about people hacking into your laundry.
It's not just washing machines. They now have smart refrigerators that connect to your personal devices to alert you when you're running low on food. I can see it now. You're smart fridge is on the blink, so you make a tech call to some starving guy in India to help you fix it. Do we really need smart appliances like this? Most Americans really need a refrigerator that automatically locks our fat butts out.
The stupid stupid time change is Sunday. I’m not going to remind you to set your clocks back because most of your stuff resets itself and you’ll figure it out.
And … Taco Bell has unveiled their new mobile ordering app. I believe it includes being able to make restroom reservations.
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 30 2014 8:02AM
It's Halloween Eve. Do you open your bags of candy on Halloween Eve or Halloween morning?
President Obama continues nagging us to treat these Ebola healthcare workers with respect. We already do, except for the ones who behave so condescendingly obnoxious. All the drama really makes one question why Kaci Hickox, Amber Vinson, Dr. Nancy Snyderman and Dr. Craig Spencer entered the healthcare industry in the first place, since they seem to put personal convenience over the comfort of others. Hickox doesn’t have Ebola, but with the mishandling of the epidemic from the start and public fears, why can’t she just stay home with pay and food deliveries? Vinson flew to Ohio, Spencer LIED about his movements upon returning to the US, Snyderman left quarantine for take-out and Hickox is, of course, ready to sue. “Or-der! The court would like to call the crazy lady forward in Frivilous Lawsuit Case #400,937.” Meanwhile, nurse Nina Pham still can’t see her quarantined dog till Saturday and she’s not raising a stink. Thanks for being a decent human being.
The White House computers have been hacked. It’s unclear what, if any, data was compromised but President Obama’s Facebook status was changed to read, “I’m a poopy-head” in Russian.
Speaking OF … Vladimir Putin is abolishing daylight saving time. This after he tried to say that he invaded the Ukraine simply to turn back their clocks.
In their ongoing efforts to create "a more harmonious society," China says it will vet all political candidates in Hong Kong to weed out (read: “KILL”) dissenters. China will also try to promote a more harmonious society by banning Justin Bieber concerts.
Toyota has topped Consumer Reports reliability rankings. Apparently, they offer the most dependable recalls.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1938, Orson Welles did his famous broadcast of "War of the Worlds," which caused a nation-wide panic. People who tuned in late thought we really been invaded by Martians. Yes, there was a time where our country was one big dumb Honey-Boo-Boo family. Welles made it sound as though the U.S. was being taken over by aliens, which is what t many are claiming today.
On this date in 1945, the U.S. government ended national shoe rationing. Another reason I never would have survived World War II.
Papa John's has released a new pizza that’s topped with beef, chili, onions, cheese, and Fritos corn chips. Papa John's? Shouldn't this be a TOMBSTONE? Great. I’m about to get more hate mail from the lady was offended by my diabetes joke yesterday.
It took all 7-games to decide this year's World Series Champion. Most people feel it's because the teams are evenly-matched, but today, Vice President Joe Biden blamed it on Republicans for stalling.
Did we need this? New guidelines are out charting the developmental progress of teenagers. The guidelines categorize teenagers into 5 distinct and separate categories. "Pre-Teen," Young-Teen," "Mid-Teen," "Elder Teen" and "Quarantine."
And …The Obamas are inviting kids to come trick or treating at the White House (they’re probably handing out fruit or healthcare). The sign out front says, "Just follow the guys who jumped over the fence."
Actual content alert: Hey Gadsden State – I’m so sorry. A group of students working in connection with JPL had a water molecule experiment that was destined for the ISS. It was on board the Antares that exploded shortly after liftoff Tuesday, and was lost. That super sucks and I hope you can continue your work. So what went wrong? Orbital Sciences initially said the craft suffered a "catastrophic anomaly,” which is kinda the space version of a “wardrobe malfunction.” Interestingly, the Antares' first stage uses two AJ26 engines, which are refurbished variants of the NK-33 built by the commies for one of their many failed rockets. We don’t know if the engines are to blame but my cold black heart goes out to Gadsden State for their hard work. “The sky is the limit only for those who aren’t afraid to fly.”
Filed Under :
Amber Vinson, Craig Spencer, Joe Biden, John, Justin Bieber, Kaci Hickox, Nancy Snyderman, Nina Pham, Obama, Orson Welles, Vladimir Putin
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 29 2014 7:37AM
There’s not yet been an Amber Alert issued but America’s Ebola Czar is missing. Ron Klain was last seen staring blankly ahead while being asked scientific questions about Ebola. Klain is a 53 year old white male with dark hair, if you see him notify the white house. Right now, the Ebola Czar is about as effective as the Gitmo-Closure Czar.
Not to stay on the Ebola thing but every state now has its own protocols for dealing with the possibly infected. In North Dakota, residents are required to continue living 80 miles from each other. In Florida, people are monitored until they are once again able eat faces while on bath salts. Here at home you’ll be politely asked to stay home and drink sweet tea.
It’s "Ash Wednesday” in Hawaii! 2,000 degree lava is threatening homes and property. Vice President Joe Biden promises to punish the lava lamp company responsible for the spill. It is crazy; you can't tell the evacuating homeowners running for their lives from the Democratic political candidates running from Obama.
If you get a call from Alabama Power warning that your power is about to be cut off, hang up. It’s a scam that differs from the normal scam where Alabama Power calls to tell you they’re cutting off your power.
The SEC says Auburn should have drawn a 5 yard penalty for having two players with the same number on the field for the final play of Saturday’s game against South Carolina. It would have given the Gamecocks a second shot at a score. Given some of the calls we’ve seen this season, the Cocks could have scored and the refs wouldn’t have known the difference.
Some ultra-religious groups are worried about the #1 movie in the US, "Ouija," because it could cause kids to open a door to Satan. These guys don't believe in science, but they DO believe in séance?
Speaking OF the talking dead, they're going to hold the annual séance to contact the spirit of Harry Houdini on Halloween night. This year they're also going to make an attempt to locate somebody who thinks President Obama is doing a good job with this Ebola thing.
And … Thailand is celebrating its annual "Vegetarian Festival," during which people traditionally shove knives and other sharp objects through their faces. The whole country looks like those snooty inked up baristas at Starbucks.
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 28 2014 8:34AM
The Ebola Nurse in New Jersey has been told to stay isolated at home now that she’s back in Maine. Kaci Hickox’s lawyer says, “Nope.” Well allrighty then! I know we’re supposed to hail these health care workers as heroes, but this group is acting like jerks. Remember Nina Pham? She just wants to see her dog, she can’t due to the quarantine. She’s not suing. She’s just sitting around being happy to be alive and being awesome. This latest drama is making my head hurt…
There are fears that ISIS has smuggled anti-aircraft missiles stolen in Syria into Iraq. This explains why at every Iraqi security check-point the soldiers ask, "Is that a rocket in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
Hang on, I’m still mad. Our troops returning from West Africa are under a mandatory quarantine, but telling some chick from Maine to stay inside is akin to a Japanese internment camps? Bunch of whiney babies!
The floor is lava! No, it really is! Hawaii, birthplace of Obama (depending on whom you ask), is panicking because a volcano is erupting and towns may have to evacuate. You live on the side of an active volcano, Kamehameha, this should be no surprise.
Still ranting. Sure the quarantine is being overly-cautious, but it could also protect the idiot complaining about being isolated. When I was at Samford, a friend went to Africa as a missionary. She took a HOST of shots just to get over there, when she came back to Birmingham… she got sick. We all made fun of her for catching a “common cold” after she’d been inoculated against everything. She died of Malaria. Doctors thought it was a cold. If she’d been monitored, we might still have the pretty blonde with the voice of an angel. Point being, if you’ve been to a hot zone and someone imposes a quarantine, YOU might not end up 6 feet under. Quit whining, quit getting lawyers because you can’t get to Maine. You have a responsibility to the public, and to yourself. Yeesh, this is not that hard.
U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry called the country of Tunisia, "A beacon of hope." In a related story, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie called the new Tuna Cheese Melt breakfast sandwich, "A beacon with bacon."
And seriously! These Ebola people “get” to stay home with pay for 21 days, have food delivered, get free health screenings, get their homes cleaned, can binge watch every show they’ve missed and Lobster Chick got a free private flight home to Maine! I’m starting to get jealous! Meet the NEW 1%ers.
New reports say China does the most international hacking, but Russia is the best at it. My friends say my obsession with Russian conspiracy theories is crazy. I wonder how much Russia paid them to say that…
On this date in 1904, St. Louis Police began using a new investigation method called fingerprints. On that same day, criminals began using a new device they called, "gloves."
John Kerry is visiting Canada to talk about the Parliament shooting, because they haven’t suffered enough.
I WAS going to add another Ebola rant here but the sooner I get done whining I can go home and try to find the glitter bat Halloween decorations that I still can’t find. #Priorities.
There’s a baby wipe recall at Walgreen’s, Family Dollar, Sam’s Club and Diapers.com. They may be contaminated with bacteria, enjoy. Little known fact – the main ingredient in baby wipes is MOMMY SPIT. Mommy spit cleans EVERYTHING. A friend of mine knew she was pregnant when her salvia started cleaning everything from ink off her hand.
The White House is telling everyone to carve “green energy symbols” into Halloween pumpkins. Images of windmills and those crappy swirly bulbs and solar panels. How about I carve a giant middle finger on my pumpkin? Or an oil rig on top of a coal plant that’s filled with baby seals getting clubbed? The thing that scares me is that Obama said, “If you like your pumpkin, you can keep your pumpkin!” NOOOOOOOOOOO!
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 24 2014 8:08AM
Just when Ebola finally falls out of the headlines, a New York doctor has tested positive for the virus. Hey thanks for going to Africa to help fight Ebola then bringing it back home with you! Meanwhile, the NYPD has tested positive for knuckleheadedness after being seen on video removing their protective gear and simply tossing it into a public trashcan outside the infected doctor’s apartment.
Know what’s worse than the Ebola epidemic? The Jamberry Nail-thing epidemic. I’ve been added to 10 different groups on Facebook saying “IT’S AN ONLINE PARTY TAG YOUR FRIENDS HAHAHA THIS IS FUN.” I imagine this is how it feels to be kidnapped by Boko Haram. THEY’D only make me convert to Islam, the Jamberry cult wants me to have wacky nail art. Stop tagging me in your nail groups or I’ll show you where you can Jam that Berry. Sorry. I hate fun.
UAH shooter Amy Bishop wants her capital murder conviction and life sentence overturned. LOL. Bishop claims the state failed to prove she had the “requisite intent to kill” when she gunned down her colleagues in 2010. If you don’t know the case, Amy is a psycho sundae with triple crazy-sauce and topped with some b!tch-sprinkles.
There have been so many White House fence jumpers being reported on all the 24-hour cable news stations lately, CNN is thinking of changing its name to "Jumper Cable."
4 Blackwater guards have been found guilty of murder in Iraq. Remember the Blackwater security firm? They were hired in Iraq to protect U.S. contractors there. Apparently, the U.S. outbid Iraqis who were trying to hire them to kill U.S. contractors there. I thought we were totally out of Iraq, but now they say we need to go back in. Strange, but 'iRaq' is like the iPhone. Every few months, there's a new version to deal with.
Attorney General Eric Holder offered his resignation weeks ago, but he's still on the job. This guy takes longer to say goodbye than Sam and Frodo in "Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King." I mean seriously, I fell asleep.
Takata Corp. manufactures the defective air bags which are installed in vehicles from 10 automakers. If you have these bags, no one should ride in the front passenger seat unless they want to take the Air Bag Challenge.
The Dalai Lama is in town this weekend! I’d love to go hear him speak at Region’s Field but the parking situation downtown does bad things to my karma. Some* say the Dalai Lama should not be allowed to speak in Birmingham because he’s “not a Christian.” Because that kind of thinking is soooo Christian.** If you aren’t familiar with other beliefs, the Dalai Lama is the head of a low-fat religion called “I Can’t Believe it’s Not Buddha.”
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1836, the match was patented. Reviewers called it "hot" and "striking."
Two months from today is Christmas Eve. Panic.
A semi-truck loaded with 44,000 pounds of Miller High Life beer was stolen in Florida. The suspects have been described as probably sleeping on the couch.
The NFL has created a sportsmanship award that will be presented to the winner on the eve of the Super Bowl. And, if no one is eligible, the next level will be "fewest parole violations."
Kenny G has angered China after appearing at a pro-democracy rally. Police say he didn't organize the rally, but he was instrumental. Kenny G? Instrumental? Hello?
Oh by the way, China is launching a mission to the Moon and back. (Insert standard “an hour later” China joke here).
An itinerary map for fans detailing the Atlanta Falcons trip to London to play the Detroit Lions has a big red arrow which starts in Atlanta and ends up pointing directly at SPAIN, not England. No wonder Falcon receivers run such crummy routes.
And finally – a nutrition study says that Gladiators ate mostly a bean and grain diet. This explains why the most feared warrior of that era was named Farticus.
*Read “intolerant idiots.”
** It’s not.