March 1, 2015
9:33 pm

Lisa Mason in the Morning


LMN 12-27-13 The news, such as it is ...

by Lisa Mason posted Dec 27 2013 8:03AM

~~It’s time to get out and hit those “After Boxing Day” sales!

On this date in 2012, nothing happened. Because NOTHING happens in the week between Christmas and New Year’s and I have ZERO show content.

Crooks broke into the DMV in Millington, Tennessee and stole two ATM’s. There are NO leads because this happened at the DMV so naturally nobody was working to spot the thieves.

Today is the second day of Kwanzaa – I’m not sure but I THINK that’s the day your true love is supposed to get you African Premiere League tickets. Wow. That’s the SECOND soccer joke this week – I should have just taken vacation like everyone else.

Tens of thousands remain without power in the snow from Main to Michigan after last weekend’s ice storm left them in the deep freeze. They’re afraid to eat with metal cutlery due to their lounges freezing to their forks.  What, did they order their heat thru Amazon and UPS?

Speaking OF … UPS says the Christmas package delay was caused by late shoppers, a spike in shipping and bad weather – and was a PERFECT STORM. Granted, I don’t think anyone’s going to make a film out of THIS perfect storm starring Clooney and Markey Mark.

Today is national fruitcake day. A new holiday survey shows that out of all the fruitcakes produced, only 1/3 of them are ever eaten. Really? I’m shocked it’s THAT high! What becomes of all the other fruitcakes? Fortunately, we know. Many of the uneaten fruitcakes go to fix wobbly tables, some are used as railroad ties and I’m told the mafia uses them in place of cement shoes – for more festive executions during the holidays. Did you know that during Superstorm Sandy, uneaten fruitcakes were used in lieu of sandbags? The best use I’ve ever found for a fruitcake involved skeet shooting. But, as you’d expect, the vast majority of unwanted fruitcakes are eventually elected to public office.

Sharks in Western Australia have been outfitted with devices to send a Tweet that will warn beachgoers of their presence. As if sharks weren’t already apex predators, now they’re just swimming blindly around the ocean not paying a bit of attention because they’re distracted by their phones. Stay alive, don’t Tweet and dive!

If you’re making New Year’s plans, you’re probably making resolutions as well. Keep in mind the more practical a resolution; the more likely you are to keep it!  Here’s some easy ones to keep: Try not to make more than one resolution, aaaand you’re done! Resolve to start smoking,  or to gain 15 pounds. This year MY resolution is to get into more arguments on Facebook and Twitter.

60 people in Argentina were injured by a school of hungry piranha. Witnesses say they hadn’t seen such a feeding frenzy since the “4:20 Legalize It” club held their annual meeting at the Denver Golden Corral.

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12/27/2013 8:04AM
LMN 12-27-13 The news, such as it is ...
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