LMN 2-11-14 EVERYBODY PANIC!
by Lisa Mason
posted Feb 11 2014 9:00AM
The next Winter Craptastrophe is possible tonight and into tomorrow. The roads were just icy enough this morning to make the local meteorologists seem legit, so ... congratulations, I guess? Strange thing EARLY this morning, surely it’s now been revised. Huntsville schools didn’t close, they only delayed. Figures. I grew up in Huntsville and we always had to wait till morning to find out if we had to go in, there was none of this preemptive closing gobbledygook! We didn't dismiss early. We had to make the days up. And we walked up hill both ways and we liked it! We tied an onion to our pants, because that was the fashion back in the day and didn’t have tablets to do our homework. Back in my day a tablet was called a “Commodore 64.” Actually it was called a “pen and paper.” Wait. Where was I? Oh yes, snow. If you just HAVE to travel today, pack your emergency kit. Double check what’s in it – I forgot a few items. Nail glue, a Chick fil a sandwich, a helicopter and a stunt double.
In non-snow related news, President Obama has delayed his most awesome achievement again. There’s another delay in the Obamacare requirement that medium-to-larger firms cover their workers or face fines. Companies with 50 to 99 employees will have an additional year to comply with the coverage requirement. Ah so they passed an amendment to the law then? Oh.
Los Angeles-area residents are freaking out about several proposed oil wells to be drilled near the campus of the University of Southern California. Oil wells in L.A.! And you thought entertainment lawyers were greasy BEFORE!
I’m sorry, but I’d rather watch Bob Costas complain about his pinko commie left eye than watch one second of “The Bachelor.”
A new report claims that 70-million Americans are taking mind-altering drugs. Just think: if the grid goes down like in “Revolution” NONE of those people will be able to maintain their supply of anti-psychotics ... and they’ll be on the loose.
If you’re looking for a job in social media – the terrorists are hiring. Granted their retirement plan is a bit … extreme. One group, the Army of Islam out of Syria, announced via a dazzling, fully functional website, that it had job "vacancies." They’re looking for graphic designers, photographers, printing, journalits and media promotions. Wow! The army of Islam is hiring journalists? When is MSNBC gonna try that?
And a few things you need to know.
On this date in 1993, President Clinton appointed Miami prosecutor Janet Reno to be the nation's first female attorney general. Wait a minute. He was a chick? Reno later returned to Miami, where she barely survived after being hit by a boat propeller that mistook her for a manatee.
It doesn't matter if there’s snow or ice, gentlemen. Valentine's Day is just three days away. If you don't have a reservation by now, you may not get in to that restaurant you have in mind for Valentine's Day. Unless, of course, you're driving through.
Police in the LA area are asking for the public's help in locating a stolen, fully-restored, classic, 1963 Chevy Impala. You knew this would happen once Jay Leno had too much free time on his hands, right?
Michael Sam, a senior defensive end for the Missouri Tigers, has announced he's gay. Not good enough, Michael. You're from Missouri so you have to SHOW us. See? ‘Cause it’s the SHOW ME state? Anyway, we know what for which he team he plays, but we don't know for which team he'll end up playing.
And … RIP Shirley Temple. She paved the way for child stars, except for the part where she grew up to have a semi happy life without showing up on TMZ in cuffs with panties on her head.
And a very special weather section! I’m sick to death of the crybaby meteorologists saying “If you think you can do my job then COME ON AND DO IT! You think it’s sooooo easy ablu blu blu boo hoo” OK. My Samford roomie’s PawPaw did what we thought was crazy stuff; planting by the signs, looking at caterpillars, counting cricket chirps, that sort of thing. Here are some ways YOU can predict the rain or snow without the computer models…
Obtain the breastbone of a recently deceased local goose. That shouldn't be too hard; there are scores here in Meadowbrook. The length of the breastbone indicates the length of the ensuing winter, while the color of the breastbone indicates its severity. Wish we knew this sooner so we could have held the sacrifice.
If you’re out of goose corpses, count the fogs in August. That is how many snows you will have. Poop – did any body count fogs back in August? I think I remember two thanks to Instagram. Most of us were too busy complaining about the heat.
A fact well-known to our ancestors today is that when snow lies in drifts in the shade and refuses to melt, these drifts become "snow breeders" which attract more snow. Oh come ON now, really? Yes. Really.
But the BEST way to predict snow is to be out of bread, milk and beer and have your car freshly washed. That’ll do it
We can learn so much from nature! Kids, “NATURE” is that stuff that is outside when you walk into the TV room from the car.