March 3, 2015
3:00 am

Lisa Mason in the Morning


LMN 2-17-14

by Lisa Mason posted Feb 17 2014 8:23AM
Not a single president was born on this date, yet today is President's Day. Or, as I call it, "National Check the Mailbox 3-Times for No Reason Day."

Pope Francis celebrated Valentine's Day with a donated, life-size sculpture of himself made out of chocolate. Hey, I'm coo-coo for Cocoa-Popes! I wonder if he ate the ears first.

Darwin Award nominee Jamie Coots, a Kentucky snake-handling preacher, died Saturday after refusing to be treated  … for a snakebite.  Coots was the star of the National Geographic show “Snake Salvation” which mercifully does not have the same marketing team as “Duck Dynasty.” With a hole in their programming, maybe Nat Geo will now start up a reality show about people who play Russian roulette.

Alabama’s third severe weather preparedness sales tax holiday begins at 12:01 a.m. this Friday. You can skip the state tax on supply items under $60. This also includes items like plywood, batteries, duct tape and plastic sheeting. So it’s not so much a “severe weather preparedness” holiday, it’s a great time to stock up on necessities if you’re an independent filmmaker or a serial killer.

Speaking of A 19-year-old woman from a tiny Alaskan town says she murdered at least 22 people at the behest of a secret Satanic cult. Only 2k+ people are in North Pole, Alaska. You’d think a secret cult would be pretty obvious. How do they hold meetings when there’s only one Denny’s in the town? Miranda Barbour and her 22-year-old hubby, Elytte “rat face” Barbour, allegedly solicited victims on Craigslist under the guise of “paid companionship.” People still use Craigslist to buy sex? That's like the online version of Dr. Kevorkian. If you have a death wish; look for 30 minutes of love on Craigslist. Craigslist could get shut down for this, which means “women seeking murder victims” will have to do it the old-fashioned way. In Florida.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1817, a street in Baltimore became the first to be lighted with gas. It was the unfortunate combination of cigars and Burrito Night.

On this date in 1801, congress had to decide who would be president when Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr tied. Jefferson won, Burr was the loser and made vice-president ... and thus a tradition was born.

Paris Hilton turns 33 today. What do you get for the girl who's caught everything?  

Simon Cowell became a father on Friday afternoon. Just as was foretold in the Book of Revelation.

And … So much fog today in Sochi they had to cancel the biathlon and move some seating around. Are we sure it’s fog and not second-hand pot smoke from the snowboarders? The temperatures continue to hover in the 60’s … which increases the odds that Vladimir Putin will start showing up shirtless. In other Sochi news, The US Men's hockey team started out HUGE in their opening game -- crushing Slovakia. The Slovakian Men's team was so humiliated they went back to playing for the Slovakian Women's team. Then we went on to beat Russia in an overtime shootout Saturday, after a disallowed goal cost the Russians a win.  I have a feeling those referees are about to come down with the same thing Bob Costas has.

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02/17/2014 8:26AM
LMN 2-17-14
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