by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 2 2014 8:17AM
Since the Ebola epidemic began, I'm getting fewer emails from Nigerian Princes wanting to use my account to funnel money out of the country. Weird. I want the Princes and the Nigerian Lottery scammers to be OK, so I've started randomly spamming Nigerian email addresses with this:
"Good Day, I am Princess-Ambassador Lisa Mason of the United States and I have 50 cases of experimental Ebola vaccine that I MUST get out of the country immediately. Please send me all the legal documents and deeds for your home and lands so I can send this vaccine. Also, if you include your bank account number, it would be my pleasure to deposit some money for Sprite and Saltines. Those work wonders when you're sick.
Here's the rest of the news …
The CDC says you are not in any danger from Ebola, just like they do in every virus-based horror movie EVER. Seriously, have they never seen a horror movie? I suppose they are too busy losing smallpox samples. At any rate, it CAN'T be a coincidence we now have Ebola in US, and the Walking Dead starts next week! It's a ploy to boost crossbow sales.
Amazon is now warning users that the old Tom and Jerry cartoons are racist. Let's go ahead and slap a warning label on Peanuts because Lucy always bullied Charlie Brown.
In Point Lay, Alaska, 35 thousand walruses (Walri? Walrusi? Walrusessesen?) have come ashore due to a complete lack of sea ice. The beach now looks like the buffet line in Golden Corral.
Oh hey -- I must have missed the memo: when did praying during a football game become "unsportsman-like conduct?"
China is warning protesters in Hong Kong there will be "serious consequences" if they do not disperse. Please, they'll just have to warn them again an hour later. These protesters are doing it wrong; not one person is holding a stolen flat-screen TV! Guys, you'll NEVER get democracy that way. You gotta put on your lootin' shoes! THAT'S how you get what you want over here!
Researchers claim they have uncovered a secret tunnel and two dungeons in Tokat Castle in northern Turkey, where Vlad the Impaler is believed to have been imprisoned in the mid-1400s. Impaler? He hardly knew her!
And … Halloween's coming, and some Secret Service agents say the White House is haunted! Apparently, there's this scary old man named Joe who wanders into their rooms at night reminding them that if anything happens to Obama, HE'S the president!
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 1 2014 8:21AM
Ebola's here! Specifically, it's in Texas. In a Dallas hospital. Inside a Liberian guy. For now. And here we thought the zombie apocalypse would start in Atlanta. Nope! Brace yourself for panic-inducing cable news reports with scary dramatic music. And optical bleeding. I'd say go ahead and start working on your hilariously topical* Ebola Halloween costume, but we'll all probably be long dead from Ebola by then.
The spread of ISIS is subjecting more Muslims in Iraq and Syria to Sharia law. In fact, IBN (the ISIS Broadcasting Network) is starting a new show called "Sharia Law and Order," with stories on be-headings ripped right from the be-headlines.
We're now hearing that last week's White House intruder went in even further than originally reported. Since when did the Secret Service get weather forecasting accountability?
California has become the first state to ban plastic bags. Plastic people are still OK though.
Mental health advocates are demanding the resignation of Michigan head coach Brady Hoke for allowing his quarterback to stay in Saturday's game even though the guy obviously had a concussion. Hoke says it's not a big deal because because it's not like he said a prayer or punched the quarterback in an elevator.
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1861, President Lincoln created the country's first Air Force – comprised entirely of balloons! There were some early challenges; like when one of the pilots twisted one of the balloons into a fun giraffe shape.
Olympic swimming's all-time champion Michael Phelps is in heated water after being arrested for another DUI. He's traded Olympic gold for Cuervo Gold.
It was announced yesterday that at least one person broke into a Foster Farms chicken shed in Fresno County and used a golf club to kill 920 birds. There's an APB out for President Obama.
Chris and Bruce Jenner are getting a divorce. Bruce has already made arrangements with his plastic surgeon to have his face adjusted to 'sad'.
And … Facebook is about to become even MORE alarmingly tedious. Five TWILIGHT short films will be released via the social media site and fans can win a chance to direct one of the sparkly new episodes, thus proving there is no God. Since the videos in your Newsfeed auto-start, you WILL see these films. They're going to be forced on you like a new U2 album. Sorry if you liked the Twilight series, I just couldn't get into it. I have enough trouble with imaginary stalkers who actually exist.
*Also completely unfunny and uncreative
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 30 2014 9:04AM
The head of the Secret Service is getting grilled by a House committee because it turns out the White House fence-jumper WASN’T tackled right inside the front door as claimed, Omar Gonzalez instead made it all the way through the East Room. I don’t think “transparency” means what this administration thinks it means. Making matters worse for the Secret Service who allowed him to roam free, Gonzales also ate Malia's porridge after tasting Michelle and Barak's, broke Sasha’s chair, and was then found sleeping in her bed. His only comment was it was "just right."
By the way, an hour ago on my show I had to report that ISIS forces were an hour away from Bagdad and fighting was heavy. Given that several of my friends and many of my Eagle listeners served in Iraq, I figured you’d like to know anyone left in Bagdad will soon have to set their clocks back 9 centuries.
Meanwhile, the British House of Commons has voted overwhelmingly to join airstrikes against ISIS in Iraq, but NOT in Syria. I guess the Brits are against arming rebels. That didn't work out too well for them in 1776, and apparently they’re still bitter.
Referees flagged Chiefs safety Husain Abdullah for a celebration penalty after he bowed in prayer in the endzone. HE got 15 yards. Wow, it’s not like he hit his 72 virgins or anything.
A new report says that one in four Americans between 25 and 54 are not working. And that's just among those with jobs!
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1452, the very first book was published: the Bible. Not one of the authors was present for the release party, which is rather rude. It probably would have sold a lot more copies if the majority of the population back then knew how to read.
On this date in 1846, ether was first used during an operation. After the doctor kept falling asleep, they decided to try it on the patient next time.
Fall is here, and that means new fall fashions! Martha Stewart has come out with a line of Kevlar scarves to protect against those nasty beheadings.
Do we have Super Value or Albertsons here? They are the latest to get hit by hackers and some customer data may have been breached. This is getting ridiculous; just go ahead and change your password to your social security number to make it easier on those poor overworked hackers. They’re gonna find it anyway.
And … Scientists in Rochester, New York have unveiled an actual "invisibility cloak!" Unfortunately, now they can't find it. BUT-- Chinese scientists say they've ALREADY developed a working invisibility cloak, claiming they're able to make a cat disappear. I bet it happens in a Chinese restaurant. A prototype of the invisibility cloak is pictured at the top of this blog entry.
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 29 2014 8:04AM
President Obama says the world is better off NOW than when he came into office. Whaaaat? We’ve got Ebola killing everyone overseas, ISIS on the rise AND whomever is in charge of refilling the toilet paper holders in the ladies room here at work put the roll in with the paper flap FACING THE WRONG WAY. It’s not on the OUTSIDE of the roll, as it should be. “World’s better off,” pfffft! I spent five minutes having to flip the rolls so the paper hangs in the front.
Some Syrian parents claim their children were forced to attend an ISIS training camp. Apparently, at ISIS Summer Camp, kids are groomed for terrorism by using rocks as grenades, tree branches as rifles and dolls for beheading practice. If captured, the camp counselors could be charged with child abuse, terrorism and impersonating MacGyver.
The lunatic who beheaded a former coworker and stabbed another at an Oklahoma food processing plant will be charged today. A spokesman for an Oklahoma Islamic group says 30 year old Alton Nolan (with his lengthy criminal record) was always “a little odd” at mosque. The guy goes on to say the mosque Nolan attended “regularly held sermons preaching against violent acts and beheadings.” That’s all well and good but if you HAVE to “regularly” preach against people cutting off other people’s heads ... maybe something is amiss. “Hey Amahl, what’s the sermon on today?” “Beheadings again.” “Oh good. I was starting to slip a bit. Can’t get enough of those anti-beheading sermons.” Meanwhile Nolen’s mother maintains, “there are two sides to every story.” She’s right; there’s the side where you stab two women and cut off one’s head, and then there’s the side where you don’t.
And a few things you need to know ...
On this date in 1829, the famous Scotland Yard was created. Weird that they use "Yard" when they're on the metric system. It SHOULD be “Scotland .9144.”
A study says that 10% of U.S. adults are not proficient in English. The other 90% weren't exactly sure what "proficient" meant.
Am I wrong to hope for an asteroid strike? A new Bill and Ted movie is in the works. What’s this one going to be? "Bill and Ted's Excellent Retirement Plan?”
The NFL last week introduced a thing which brings to your TV screen instant-data from tracking devices worn by every player. If we can just get the players to wear those tracking devices while they're NOT playing, America can defeat crime as we know it.
Scientists say they have discovered water on a planet 124 light years from Earth. There may not be life, but there’s going to be a Starbucks!
And today … is Goose Day. I thought a coworker made that up but Google says it’s another name for Michaelmas, a day honoring all the angels. Wow, you’d think that would be good for at least a half-day off. Legend has it if you eat goose today, then you’ll have good financial fortune all year. Darnit, I was already planning on eating crow for lunch. Again.
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 26 2014 8:17AM
The US Attorney General is resigning. You got to know Eric Holder, he’s quite a folder. He knows when to walk away, but not when to run. He never counts his weapons, when they’re slipping ‘cross the border ... there’s time enough for counting, when the scandal’s done.
16 groups are calling for the head of the Food and Drug Administration to step down over her failure to stop an epidemic of prescription painkiller abuse. Because it’s totally up to a government agency to keep people from addiction (eye roll).The FDA says they DID require stronger warning labels on drugs like OxyContin and Vicodin, because nothing stops people who want to get high like a label telling them how powerful the drug is.
After a week of threatening rumors and panic, University of Alabama campus cops last night stopped an individual – who was wearing a Halloween mask. After interviewing the person they determined it was just a dude wearing a mask. They’re going to lose their minds once October hits and everyone has a costume. If the rumors and fear keep up it’s going to ruin all the fun and everyone will be forced to dress as boring things. Forget what I was GOING to do; I’ll go as Google because I’ve done little more than answer stupid questions all morning.
The new Iraqi Prime Minister warns of an "imminent" terror attack against our subways. NOOOOO my Meatball Marinara must be saved! The threat could come in the form of shoe bombs, because ISIS just signed a big endorsement deal with NIKE.
And a few things you need to know …
Johnny Appleseed was born on this date in 1774. Johnny, of course, gained his fame by traveling all over and scattering his seed. He was sort of the Russell Brand of his time.
On this date in 1777, the British occupied Philadelphia. The Eagles later beat the Old England Patriots in a close one, 21-20.
New York City Mayor Bill “Jerk” de Blasio dropped groundhog Staten Island Chuck this past Groundhog Day and within a week, the animal died of internal injuries. He had ONE JOB, “hold this groundhog.” The zoo covered-up the poor animal’s death for seven months! Ladies and gentlemen: welcome to the Groundhazi scandal!
A San Diego philanthropist wants to buy a local newspaper and run it as a nonprofit business. I thought all newspapers were non-profits these days?
A new study by Sussex University says that multi-tasking makes your brain smaller. This is why you shouldn't salute while holding a latte.
And a few things you NEED to know about Ebola …
They’re really stepping into hazardous waste waters here, the CDC says the Ebola vaccine “only works on white people.” The trial drug must be comprised of pumpkin spice lattes and Ed Hardy shirts.* Meanwhile, Nigeria says they have their own Ebola cure. I get the feeling it involves an AK-47 round to the back of the head. But … the most shocking Ebola news comes from Liberia where the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE IS UNDERWAY. Two Ebola victims in the region miraculously “resurrected” as they were being taken for burial. Is it possible they were only “mostly dead?” Inconceivable! One of the women was pronounced dead in the ironically-named Hope Village Community. Her body was left indoors, awaiting burial, for two days with neither food nor medicine. Villagers believe these miracle cases could lead to an effective vaccine breakthrough, as the women could have some sort of immunity! Nah, I’m kidding. They think witchcraft and ghosts are involved and the women will be killed. In the meantime, the truth is out there! The Zed Uprising begins! If you need me, I’ll be in my bunker welding the door shut.
*I had to Google “what do white people like” to get this.