November 26, 2014
2:52 am
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Lisa Mason in the Morning

 

LMN 2-18-14 Satanists vs Lunatic, we're through the wormhole.

by Lisa Mason posted Feb 18 2014 8:27AM
A 19 year old claims to have used Craigslist to kill at least 22 people at the behest of a Satanic cult in Alaska. The nations largest Satanic Organizations both say Miranda Barbour was not one of theirs. Asked for comment, Satan remarked “Even I think Craigslist is for freaks.” People still use Craigslist to find love? If your idea of a nice date is plastic sheeting lining in the trunk of a car and a bottle of chloroform... by all means answer that ad.


GM and Chrysler are stepping up manufacturing ... in Mexico. In a big “THANK YOU” to the American taxpayers who footed the bill for the automakers’ bailout, new jobs are being created south of the boarder. Oh no wait – “thank you” wasn’t the two-word phrase for which I was looking.


Zealand’s Prime Minister John Key was forced to prove his humanity after one of his constituents filed an open information act demanding that he prove he is not "a shape-shifting reptilian alien ushering humanity towards enslavement!" Mr. Key says he visited a doctor AND a vet, and both have confirmed he’s not a reptile. He adds, “I’ve never been aboard a spaceship and my tongue isn’t overly long.” This cost him his job fronting the KISS cover-band in Christchurch.


Officials say there have been 10 deaths in the Western U.S. in the last 10 days due to avalanches. The heavy Western snowpack is about as stable as Jefferson County.


Another day of questioning for the Ethopian co-pilot who hijacked his own plane. Passengers describe a “heated battle” for control of the plane. The pilot left the cockpit to use the restroom, and the co-pilot simply locked the door. I think we need to redefine the term “heated battle.”


The US is facing a national shortage of clowns. The worldwide Clown Association says membership is declining because young people no longer want to take up professional clowning as an occupation. Oh they do, they just end up in Congress instead of a rodeo.

 
And a few things you need to know…


On this date in 1907, in the depths of a famine in Russia, the U.S. sent over 600,000 tons of food. That alone is reason enough why we should win the gold medal in men's figure skating.

On this date in 1930 Pluto was discovered. I still can’t believe Pluto was stripped of it’s planetary status. #NeverForget. Making matters worse, what’s the deal with Disney? Goofy was a dog and he could talk and walk upright, but Pluto couldn't.

John Travolta turns 60 today. I'm hoping that some day he stops doing fiction and finally makes the movie, "Pulp Fact."

Facebook is bragging about their oldest user, 106-year-old American, Edythe Kirchmaier. Edythe updates her Facebook page daily, and spends most of the day blogging. Her parents say they do dream one day of getting their basement back.

A study says that one in four Americans doesn't know that the Earth circles the Sun. These are most likely the same people who don't believe that cell phones can ring during movies.

And … Miley Cyrus opened her concert tour in Vancouver. Among the more startling things she did on stage: a naughty act with a Bill Clinton impersonator. Well, they’re fairly certain it was an impersonator.
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02/18/2014 8:35AM
LMN 2-18-14 Satanists vs Lunatic, we're through the wormhole.
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