LMN 2-20-14 There are no terrorists in Texas.
by Lisa Mason
posted Feb 20 2014 7:38AM
I don’t think “truce” means what they think it means. Moments after agreeing to a cease fire, shots were fired in the Ukraine. They’re doing “cease-fire” wring. Military and police are now firing water cannons at protesters. And in a really low blow; it's Sochi water.
Do you dream of the day you’ll be able to walk through airport security with your shoes on? Keep dreaming. Even though the world's most dangerous terror networks are broke, the Department of Homeland Security says there’s a new terror threat from shoe bombs. The threat is believed credible because Al Qaeda and the Taliban both just signed big endorsement deals with Nike.
“The bombs at night: Blow big and bright! (CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP) Deep in the heaaaaart of Texas.” The FBI has uncovered a terror compound and training ground about three hours outside of Austin. The enclave in Texas is one of 22 such compounds owned by the group, Muslims of the Americas. Hold up. We can’t have a phone conversation without the NSA listening in, but these guys get to have terror training camps? The FBI’s known about the compounds for about 12 years, but still considers the Tea Party a bigger threat.
After the World Clown Association announced they were losing members, the World Mime Association says they're down to only 6 working mimes because everybody else is trapped in an invisible box. To be perfectly honest, the World Mime Association didn't actually SAY they were down to 6-mimes. They mimed it. And a mime is a terrible thing to waste.
They’re re-fighting the civil war in Georgia. Instead of state’s rights, this time the ruckus is over state-issued license plates. A new specialty tag features the Confederate battle flag, and that’s infuriating civil rights advocates who view it as a racially charged symbol of oppression. DC is getting involved and it’s fixin’ to start a mess of trouble. These Yankees need to just back away from things they don’t understand, like ordering a filet at Waffle House. They do breakfast 24/7, just order what they know how to cook.
$425 million was on the line for last night's Powerball drawing. The single winning ticket was sold in California. Our lawmakers in Montgomery are again, trying to get a lottery here. Right now the proposal is a three million dollar jackpot – it would pay out three dollars a year for one million years.
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1962, U.S. astronaut John Glenn became the first person to orbit the Earth in the Friendship 7 space capsule. I don’t have a joke to add to this, just wanted to point out the awesome! Back in the day, we used to explore and take every risk … nowadays; we are adventurous explorers because we didn’t order the usual off the dollar menu.
On this date in 1792, President Washington signed a bill creating the U.S. Postal Service. Up until that time, when people were really upset, they didn't know how to go.
Patty Hearst-Shaw turns 60 today. She was kidnapped by a group of radicals back in the 70s. Hey! Who wants a Hearst burger?*
Supermodel Cindy Crawford turns 48 today. That’s 110 in modeling years.
Ryan Seacrest is starting his own clothing line for guys. Ryan said he's been toying with the idea of getting into men's pants for a long but he finally decided to just dive on in.
CBS is working on a third "CSI" spinoff. Maybe it'll be something fun this time, like "CSI -- Seinfeld" or "How I Cleared Your Mother's Charges."
A South Carolina woman was arrested for not returning a video she rented in 2005. To make matters worse, it was "Deuce Bigalow 2."
* It's just like a regular hamburger, except no patty.