LMN 2-21-14 Putting the "ew" in "News."
by Lisa Mason
posted Feb 21 2014 7:02AM
Just to clear things up: it is Ukraine, not "the Ukraine." It stopped being "the Ukraine" when Ukraine left the Soviet Bloc. One day maybe The Walgreens and The Wal-Marts will follow suit. Anyway, the situation in Ukraine is deteriorating. No one feels safe in the pure chaos – it’s a lot like staying in a hotel in Sochi.
It's nice seeing Bob Costas back at work. He can't see us, but it's nice seeing him. The Canadian Women's Ice Hockey team beat team U.S.A in overtime to win the Gold Medal. President Barack Obama called Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper to offer his congratulations, and also to ask, "What the heck is hockey?" Once, while visiting Canada, President Obama confessed to his hosts that he'd never actually seen a hockey game. The Canadians replied "Don't worry about it, Mr. President. We've never actually seen a black guy." And technically they still haven’t.
Meanwhile, the guy in charge of the electronic rings that malfunctioned in the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics says that they're working fine and are ready to go for the closing ceremony. He'd bet his life on it! Sadly, there’s probably more truth to that than he'd like.
Remember the snake-handling pastor who died last week of a snake bite? The most-fervent followers of Jamie Coots held a special memorial service for him. There were no survivors.
And a few things you need to know …
Author Mary Shelly was born way back in 1851. She wrote "Frankenstein," but sadly, he never wrote back.
On this date in 1858, the very first electric burglar alarm was installed. Never once did an electric burglar break-in.
A study says that air pollution may increase the risk of schizophrenia. However, 60% of the voices in my head disagree.
An "American Idol" lawsuit claims Sony was systematically robbing Kelly Clarkson, Clay Aiken, and Carrie Underwood of millions of dollars. Corruption in the music industry? I’m shocked, SHOCKED!
An Oregon company has come out with an Edward Snowden action figure. You pull the string and it threatens to make public what you really think about your brother-in-law.
The Distilled Spirits Council says global sales for Kentucky bourbon and Tennessee whiskey have caused exports to spike beyond $1-billion for the first time ever! Sales in some foreign countries have topped 475%. Apparently, President Obama is following through on Bill Clinton's plan to get the rest of the world drunk and take advantage of it.
And ... A frightenly life-like wax figure of Justin Bieber at the New York Madame Tussauds had to be removed because hormone-crazed patrons were relentlessly fondling it. The fondlers won't be punished; they'll just be relocated to another parish. Most patrons didn’t know the display was purposely removed, they just assumed the wax Beiber got arrested. Actually, you can't blame the museum patrons for fondling the wax Justin Bieber. It's much more likable than the real Justin Bieber.