LMN 2-25-14 It's news time again!
by Lisa Mason
posted Feb 25 2014 7:39AM
I'm going to miss Harold Ramis a lot more than I do Sochi. The Winter Olympic torch has been officially passed on from Sochi, to Pyeongchang, South Korea, for the 2018 winter games. At least they have no problem with stray dogs there ... because they’re delicious. South Korea is, however, concerned that the American team will still be there 64-years later.
While Vlad Putin takes a creepy “wait and see” approach to the unrest in Ukraine, President Obama says the US is prepared to help them regain economic stability. Hey! Maybe if we stage a riot he’ll send an economic aid package to America! Obama told those involved in the unrest “don’t make me mention that I’ll draw a red line. Seriously, don’t make me mention a red line again. You don’t wanna face the red line that may or may not exist!” Meanwhile, riot police are apologizing for dozens of deaths in Kiev. They are very very sorry … that they got caught on video while doing it.
ESPN host Keith Olbermann is still sidelined with the shingles. I'm glad doctor's determined that Keith's illness came from natural causes, because otherwise, the list of suspects would include just about everybody.
Al Gore seems to have put on quite a bit of weight. I don't know if Al can't control his appetite, or if he just wants to provide the planet with shade. Seriously, it looks as if he fell into an Inconvenient Buffet at Golden Corral and forgot to come up for air.
Moviephone is hanging up after 25 years. This was still a thing? The 3 people who still call the 777-FILM number to find a movie will be sooo disappointed. Moviephone was owned by AOL. This was still a thing? The 3 people who still use that service will be sooo disappointed.
A mysterious white powder mailed to the offices of the Church of the Latter-day Saints in Salt Lake City turned out not to pose a threat. Mormon Church officials say they hadn't seen that much white dust since Mitt Romney pried open his change purse to give a nickel to a beggar.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1836, Samuel Colt patented the revolver. He was a real father of a gun!"
On this date in 1793, President Washington held his first cabinet meeting. They decided on a light oak for the office and white for the kitchen.
People are still talking about that spelling bee that lasted over 60 rounds before the organizers ran out of words for the kids to spell. In my opinion, the people who SHOULD be talking about it are on the Geneva Convention because that is inhumane torture right there.
Alec Baldwin says he's lived in the public life for 30 years and he's done with it. We’re hoping he’s serious THIS time and that he’s taking his family with him.
San Diego State University running back Adam Muema left the NFL Combine on Sunday because God told him that if he left, he would be signed by the Seattle Seahawks, and he always obeys God. Adam, you do realize playing in the NFL means working on Sundays, right?
Hyundai has created a crappy car, and I want one! It looks great and it runs on poop. I know where I can get plenty of that for free; I’ll just walk through the sales department and ask a question about my talent fees ‘cause it was getting deep over there yesterday. The 2015 Tucson will only be released in California to start, which is a waste. The only industry growing in Cally is the crime rate in Oakland.
A norovirus has sickened about 120 people on board a Holland America cruise ship. The cruise industry – if they do it right – could have the solution to America’s obesity problem! Just make everyone take a 3 day cruise, everyone catches a norovirus and loses ten pounds. We'll be the sexiest country on earth!