LMN 2-27-14 NASA found more stuff!
by Lisa Mason
posted Feb 27 2014 7:52AM
With more troops massing on the boarder, pro-Russian forces have seized the parliamentary building in the Crimean region of Ukraine. History repeats itself so by this afternoon, it could be "The Ukraine" again.
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer vetoes the bill derided by critics as a license to discriminate against gays in the name of religion. Thank Science that’s over! Can we please start discriminating against people just because they’re jerks? “YOU DON’T LIKE ME BECAUSE I’M GAY!” “No, I don’t like you because you’re an ass.” And what a shame it would be to besmirch anyone’s religious beliefs since religion has never ever been behind discrimination and no wars have ever been fought in its name. Proponents of the bill say it’s a huge blow to those with strong religious beliefs, I can see that. If I own a Christian bakery, why would you even want me to make your Antichrist-Cake* knowing that I’d be uncomfortable and then try to sue me because I refused? Just find another baker and move on. We can just all either stop believing** we are precious delicate snowflakes who deserve special treatment because we do a thing, or we can start labeling everything so we know who is what. Didn’t the Sneeches try the latter? Or was it the Nazi’s? I get them confused.
Pope Emeritus Benedict says he was not forced from the Papacy, God told him if he left, he’d get signed by the Seattle Seahawks. Vatican sources are strenuously denying that Pope Benedict’s departure had anything to do with financial or child sex scandals. So they're saying the problems were neither monetary nor monastery?
North Korea has fired 4 missiles into the sea. Other nations call it a massive military failure but you haven’t seen Aquaman or Sponge Bob today have you? Hmmm? Of course the missiles failed, they were made in Korea! North Korea is like that drunk guy at a party: everyone’s trying to calm him down but he’s convinced he needs to fight someone. I tried to download a new World Atlas yesterday but there aren’t any for 2014 yet, cartographers are waiting to see if they need to include South Korea.
I’ve realized that as someone who doesn’t care what Arizona does, I sure write a lot about it. Sorry.
Ben Affleck was in Washington D.C. yesterday testifying before Congress about Congo. I liked the movie OK, but the book was better. Is Congress trying to stop the remake or something?
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1813, congress approved the use of steamboats to transport mail. They had to -- it was the slowest form of transportation available at the time. After several weeks, the practice was abandoned after mail began arriving too fast.
On this date in 1801, Washington, DC was placed under the jurisdiction of Congress. Which partially explains why it is so jacked up.
A woman in New York City gave birth to a healthy baby girl this week in the middle of a busy crosswalk. There was an awkward moment when Madonna and Angelina Jolie both said, "That baby's on the ground! Dibbs!” So the "5-second rule" applies for babies as well.
China has banned school sports and cookouts because of thick poisonous smog. They're now counting going to the restroom as exercise.
NASA says they now know exactly why a spacesuit filled up with water during a spacewalk last year, nearly drowning an Italian astronaut. Apparently, the suit was made by the same people who made Team USA's speed-skating uniforms.
And in other NASA news, the Kepler mission announced the discovery of 715 new planets! It’s too early to tell which one Justin Beiber came from, but there’s room enough for at least 40 million Starbucks franchises.
And … The federal government says that Americans waste a third of the food they buy. Which means two thirds of it goes to waist. BOOM!
*An “Antichrist-Cake” is a gluten free cake-like object with no icing and uses cruelty-free carob instead of cocoa.
** The band Journey would disapprove.***