LMN 3-13-14 Conspiracy theories starting to seem plausible!
by Lisa Mason
posted Mar 13 2014 8:14AM
Day 6 with no progress in the mystery of Flight MH370. Since there’s no information, conspiracy theories are becoming just as plausible as more realistic versions of what might have gone wrong. The alien abduction theory is being bolstered by this nutter with a radar map: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JpbZZKqxy0
Other groups believe the chip experts who are on board were reporting to Ed Snowden or were kidnapped/sold to the Chinese. Along those lines, the US found out the brain trust on board were going to be interrogated the minute they landed in Beijing, so the US blew up the plane. Also: the two Iranian men seeking asylum were actually sent to kidnap the programmers. And opened up a wormhole with a handheld nuke. The alien-theory people are the most vocal among the tin-foil hat crowd, saying the region in which Flight 370 was last seen is a well-known hot spot for alien activity. Yeah? It’s also a well-known hot spot for trafficking hallucinogenic drugs. The only theory I haven’t yet heard floated involves gremlins. Was …. Something … on the wing???
Russian troops that aren’t *technically* in Ukraine continue re-painting the government buildings with Russia’s colours. So they’re obviously there to stay. Everyone knows the first thing you do when you get a new place is paint. That or replace the shelf paper.
A mysterious powdery substance caused quite the scare in Downtown Birmingham yesterday, closing streets for several hours as emergency crews tested the white material. The substance turned out to be soap, something many denizens of Downtown have yet to discover.
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has won his first election, capturing 100% of the vote. The North Korean voting system is a tragically flawed process, where the incumbent's victory is virtually assured ... or, as we call that in the USA, The House of Representatives.
A 4.5 million dollar Birmingham Water Works construction contract is on hold, because some board members think they shouldn’t use a company with a criminal history tied to Jefferson County's sewer system fraud. True. They should find a new contractor who has a criminal history tied to making money off of a different county’s shenanigans. We need some fresh corrupt blood in the Magic City!
The European Union wants to sue the United States over cheese copyrights. This just grates on my nerves. Europe needs to settle down! Just in queso we decide to go to war over this; all that would be left is de brie. Sorry, these jokes aren’t very gouda.
And a few things you need to know…
In 1781, the planet Uranus was discovered. Let that be a lesson: never discover a new planet when you're feuding with your landlord. If you are, then those are the kinds of names that come to mind.
On this date in 1884, standard time was adopted in the United States. Ironically, just in time to make the switch to Daylight Saving Time.
The World Wide Web as we know of turned 25 years old this week. If it could drive, it's insurance rates would have gone down.
The Rolling Stones Keith Richard has announced he's planning to write an autobiographical children's book. And today, the Texas Board of Education says, "Let's skip the rush and just ban it now."
There's a barber in Colorado who says he'll refuse service to anyone smelling like marijuana. You should have the same rule about going to barbers that smell like pot. It's just common sense.
Speaking OF weed … A new poll says that people who have tried marijuana, even just once, are 32% more likely to vote for its legalization than people who have never tried it. The poll was published in this month's issue of Duh magazine.
A study says that Delaware residents get the least amount of exercise. They consider "opening the mail" exercise.
I'm slightly concerned about the idea of arming public school teachers. I can see it now. You bring an apple for the teacher and she says, "Cool. Put it on top of your head. I want to try something."
Celebrating their 450th anniversary, London’s venerable Globe Theatre will stage a performance of "Hamlet" in North Korea this fall. The play will be performed in Pyongyang's "Global Domination Theatre." They’re nuts! North Korean theatre critics are tough; if the play goes poorly, they vote whether the actors get to be, or not to be.