October 22, 2014
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Lisa Mason in the Morning

 

LMN 3-26-14 Late today! Thanks work wi-fi!

by Lisa Mason posted Mar 26 2014 9:40AM
Still no word on if the latest thing in the ocean has anything to do with Malasia Air Flight 370. Can we just end this? Let’s just ask that octopus that predicts the World Cup or the camel that can pick the Super Bowl winner (since I think the octopus died) where the plane went and be done with it.

Too bad, Vlad! You could have had a G8! The U.S. and 6 other member nations have kicked Russia out of the G8. Alright, who's paying to have my tattoo fixed?* The summit was supposed to be held in Sochi yet Russia isn’t invited. The new G7 cited Russia's invasion of Ukraine, and Bob Costas' pinkeye.

President Obama meets with Pope Francis tomorrow. Here's something for which you should watch: if you see black smoke rising from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel, that means Obama's smoking again because Michelle’s not around.

Three Secret Service Agents have been sent home after boozing it up ahead of a presidential visit in Amsterdam. If I have to put my life on the line for somebody else I’m probably gonna want a hit of something too. The three have been charged with impersonating different Secret Service Agents.

President Obama says if you start to signup through a healthcare exchange but don’t finish, you can skip next week’s deadline. No wonder Congress can’t get anything done; they’re too busy repealing portions of the law. Oh. Wait.

40-year-old Michael Howard Long of Arab made social media history after he climbed 40 feet up a pine a tree at his home early Saturday morning while nude and refused to come down, saying he was making the tree his home. WAR EAGLE! Police say drugs might be a factor. Ya think? Anyway, the headlines could spark international tensions as people who aren’t “from round here” don’t know how to properly pronounce “A-rab.” Once the Middle East sees people mocking a “naked Arab man” they’re gonna tear up another embassy.

If you’re due to be executed by lethal injection, you’re in luck! Alabama currently does not have access to pentobarbital, so we’ll have to go back to executing people by handing them illegal fireworks and saying, “Hey yall! Watch this!”

 
And a few more things you need to know…

On this date in 1872, a patent was given for a new invention: the fire extinguisher. Umm… Isn't that called "water?"

On this date in 1845, a patent was awarded for adhesive medicated plaster. That was back before band aids. So, if you got injured, you'd say, "I need to get plastered!" Actually, I still say that.

There's a new study out that says an ingredient in tequila can help protect against diabetes. Or, if nothing else, make you care less.

The very first officially licensed "Star Trek" beer will come out in the next few months: Klingon Warnog. You know me – I’m a proud geek. Why why why didn’t they make Romulan Ale first? It’s a bigger thing! Jim Beam me up, Scotty!  Boy did I make a Vulcan idiot of myself with these jokes.  

The Coast Guard is now making completely unannounced inspections of cruise ships to make sure they're operating safely. Why would the Coast Guard announce unannounced inspections? My guess is so Carnival can get their bribe money ready in advance.

Wal-Mart is recalling over 174 thousand baby dolls, not because the creepy things are possessed by the soul of a deceased serial killer but because they can overheat.  Ironically the overheating doll comes with a thermometer so you can pretend to take its temperature. If you’ve got one of these death traps, you might want to wait to return it since you can use it as a heat source this morning!

Some people are criticizing the movie "Noah" because they say it's too environmentally preachy. I don't remember Noah blaming the flood on Halliburton or the Koch Brothers funding of frakking technology.  Some different people are yeeping because God isn’t mentioned at all in "Noah". OK, well if God didn’t tell him that it was going to rain for 40 days/nights, who did? James Spann?
 
*NO, Mom and Da, I do not have a G8 tattoo.
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03/26/2014 9:42AM
LMN 3-26-14 Late today! Thanks work wi-fi!
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