August 23, 2014
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LMN 3-27-14 Ukraine has combat dolphins? Not anymore!

by Lisa Mason posted Mar 27 2014 7:58AM
BREAKING NEWS! Trust me on this and say it aloud. Say 'beer can' with a British accent. I just taught you how to say 'bacon' with a Jamaican accent. You are most welcome!
Now, on to what passes for news in this gin joint!
 
Thailand says their satellites have picked up 300 objects floating in the Southern Indian Ocean. It could be Flight MH370, it could be what’s left of Gwyneth Paltrow’s marriage. Honestly, we can’t find a Boeing 777 but we can find a planet beyond Pluto?
 
SDSU star running back Adam Muema seems to be serious about not playing in the NFL because he believes the world is coming to an end this May. Apparently, Adam just found out that Joe Biden is in charge of the nuclear codes while President Obama is in Europe. 
 
President Obama is visiting Pope Francis at the Vatican today. The Pope told Obama that he can hear his confession but there's absolutely nothing he can do to help his buddies in the midterms.Problem is, that sounds like something the Padre would really say. 
 
New TSA “safety measures” go into effect today. Yes, the terrorists will again be thwarted by having someone grumpy grab you in places your mother hasn’t even seen.
 
Russian leader Vladimir Putin has just amassed troops outside of the place running his March Madness bracket. Well, that's one way to win. Sources say that Transnistria could be Russia's next target. Of course, my first question was, "There's a country called Transnistria?" Apparently MS Word doesn’t know of it either, since it’s underlined in red.  In the latest slow-mo developments, Russia has seized dozens of Ukrainian ships in Crimea AND Ukraine’s special combat dolphins. Yes, they have trained combat dolphins but they aren’t very elite – you know how they make a decision? They FLIPPER coin! Experts say this dolphin pod was so chicken-of-the-sea they might have surrendered to Russia on PORPOISE.
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
On this date in 1512, Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon found Florida while searching for the fountain of youth. He never did find it, but he did discover the city of Botox.  

 On this date in 1794, George Washington created the U.S. Navy. He had absolutely no idea what the Village People had in mind for it.
 
A new study of 40,000 children by Canada's McGill University says that children with uber-tough parents are 37% more likely to be obese than kids whose parents are emotionally responsive. Well, chuh! What kid wouldn't rather have a pizza then a hug? Hugs don't come with pepperoni and pineapple and an order of cheesy bread!
 
Montecore, the white tiger that nearly mauled Siegfried and Roy illusionist Roy Horn to death in 2003, has died. Montecore is survived by his longtime companion, Tony, who was quoted as saying, "That’s not sp grrrrrrrreat.” 
 
And … Demi Moore says hearing that Mila Kunis is pregnant with Ashton Kutcher's baby is finally bringing closure to her relationship with Ashton. You would think Ashton not coming home for 3 years and being connected romantically with a string of women might have accomplished that already.
 
And a bonus Thought For The Day: “If you’re being a jerk in public, and someone calls you out for being a jerk by being a jerk to you, do not complain about it to me, because I’ll probably think you’re being a jerk and will act jerkey back to you.  ~Gandhi
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03/27/2014 8:05AM
LMN 3-27-14 Ukraine has combat dolphins? Not anymore!
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