LMN 3-31-14 NO SPOILERS STOP IT
by Lisa Mason
posted Mar 31 2014 8:08AM
I have to post this fast! I can’t stay on the internet long because I still haven’t seen last night’s “Walking Dead” finale. Here’s what happened while you were asleep…
The White House says they've signed up 6 million people for Obamacare in just 10 days. Many people doubt these numbers calling them "bogus," but this just in ...The White House says they've now signed up eleventy-million MORE Americans for Obamacare!
The International Monetary Fund has pledged $18 billion in loans to Ukraine. To cut through the red tape, they're just making the check out to Vladimir Putin. Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia's invasion because Putin doesn't own a cellphone or use the internet out of the fear of being tracked. So, technically speaking, he knows what it's like to be an American.
Pope Francis has fired that infamous German "Bishop of Bling" because he spent over $43 million renovating his house. Don’t worry about him; President Obama has put him in charge of controlling costs for Obamacare.
The Secret Service misconduct scandal is widening. Besides that agent who was found passed-out drunk in Amsterdam just before President Obama's visit, 2 officers suspected of drinking had a car accident this month in Miami during a presidential visit there. The agents were charged with reckless driving, operating a vehicle while impaired and impersonating Justin Bieber.
President Obama met with Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah on Friday, trying to allay Saudi fears over Syria and the nuclear crisis with Iran. In a shocking snub, The Saudi King abruptly cancelled a planned dinner with Mr. Obama. We're not sure what happened, but a staffer says they heard Obama say, "Don't make me call Joe and have him okay the Keystone Pipeline."
The Koreas are exchanging fire this morning. Worst roommates ever. North Korea is defending their military maneuvers saying, “We sent over a warning fax” to the South not to freak out. A fax? Hang on; let me mimeograph that for the rest of the class. Anyway, it’s no shock the North is acting up; nobody’s doing anything about Crimea so they must assume the rest of the world is up for grabs. The DPRK is overdue for a tantrum thanks to the Mystery of Flight 370 taking over the headlines. “Roook at MEEEEEEEEE!”
The Air Force has fired 9 mid-level commanders and will discipline dozens of junior officers in a cheating scandal at a nuclear missile base. But don't worry about them. They've all been given jobs at the White House cooking the signup numbers for Obamacare.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1918, Daylight Saving Time went into effect for the very first time. I've always thought the time change should take place during the workday. Spring ahead an hour at 4pm on a Friday, and fall back on Monday morning, whenever I get in.
On this date in 1880, Wabash, Indiana became the first town to be lit completely by electricity. They also have the distinction of being the first town to have a power outage.
Advertisers think that Taco Bell’s new breakfast menu could spark a “fast food war.” Just remember, breakfast diarrhea is the most important diarrhea of the day.
No, they still haven’t found the plane. I wish we knew, one way or the other, so we can stop worrying about this mystery and get back to waiting for Kanye to say something stupid or for a Kardashian to bend over in front of the paparazzi. And what are they doing with all the trash they keep “investigating?” Do they just say, “Aw. This isn’t from MH370!” (Throws it back in the water *SPLASH*).
Just in from the White House ... Obamacare sign-ups have just passed the 1 bajillion-quadmizzlion point!
Zac Efron says he's ready for a "High School Musical Reunion" movie. In other words, Zac Efron just spent his last dollar on crack. Zac is whack.
And … The World Balloon Convention was held last week in Denver. Whatever you do, never take a balloon that you blew up in Colorado across state lines. They CAN be used as evidence against you.