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Lisa Mason in the Morning

 

LMN 3-4-14

by Lisa Mason posted Mar 4 2014 10:58AM
 
World War 3 is looking a lot like World War 1. Russia is all over Ukraine to the point where most are wondering if that “Red Dawn” remake was premature. The situation is being compared to the Cold War.  If you don’t know anything about the Cold War,* it was like this; a Soviet woman walks into a store and asks to buy some meat. The shopkeeper tells her, “We have no meat.” She asks if he has any milk. “No,” he tells her. “I only deal with no meat here. The store across the street is where you go for no milk.” Did you know the KGB always patrolled in 3’s? One knew how to read, one knew how to write, and the last one had to keep an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals in front! The main difference between OUR constitution and the Russian constitution back in the day – both guarantee free speech, but OURS also guarantees freedom AFTER the speech.
 
The Mayor of San Francisco has announced a new app to help homeless people find assistance. Next step? Getting Smartphones to all the homeless people. I mean the homeless, not the guy in front of you in Wal-Mart paying with food stamps, he already has the latest.
 
Vice President Joe Biden yesterday called upon Russia to back off from Ukraine. President Obama managed to get the phone away from him and send him back to his room under the stairs to watch cartoons.  Remember when Obama told Putin he would “have more flexibility after the election?” I don’t think he meant he’d be flexible enough to be bent over a chair and beaten with a giant foreign policy paddle.
 
One Alabama lawmaker wants to create a sales tax holiday for people buying guns and ammunition. We have one for back to school and for severe weather preparedness, so why not guns and ammo?   While I’m all for it, having it before the 4th of July weekend might be ill advised. Think about it. Everyone’s been drinking AND has a new gun AND a holiday. Parts of the state could see more stray rounds than a Pakistani wedding. 
 
When told Western nations were preparing sanctions against him, Putin simply replied, “Sanctions don’t work.” Well shoot, boys. He’s on to us! Now what? Was that Plan B?
 
In yet another “Hey! Why are we not in the headlines” moment, North Korea has fired several missiles into the sea again. DPRK, please stop trying to make everything about you! Seriously, North Korea is like that friend you hang out with only because your other friend wants to be nice to her and you end up spending your entire night having to hear her whine about a guy who doesn't like her. Again. She never addresses her actual problems (which are why James in accounting doesn't like her) and never takes good advise and then makes a scene while crying in the restaurant. Wait. What were we talking about again? Oh right. North Korea shot off some stuff, it landed in the ocean and where are those "Sea Shepherd" jerks when you need them.
 
Cyber terrorists have hacked into the accounts of Sears and Roebuck customers. Of course, Sears isn't that modern in the first place. I don't think you can really call it "cyber data theft" when all the thieves did was jimmy a lock on the mailroom door and cut the address strips off a bunch of Sears catalogues.
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
ON this date in 1793, President George Washington gave what it still the shortest inauguration speech ever delivered by a president. It's stuff like that that'll get you on the $1 bill.
 
On this date in 1634, Samuel Cole opened the first tavern in Boston. And why isn't his picture on some money?
 
A replica of Noah's Ark is being built in Kentucky. I don't know what they know, but you might want to keep a closer eye on that weather forecast. The Ark will have space for two of the entire world's animal species, and the guy building it has run into some problems. Apparently, to operate a vessel with that much poop on it, you're required to own a carnival cruise ship license.  It’s part of a theme park called "The Ark Encounter." And the janitors cleaning the animal's living quarters will experience "Close Ark Encounters of the Turd Kind."
 
In case you were worried … Chipotle is soon going to offer tofu in all its restaurants.**
 
In a perfectly “travolting” Oscar moment, John Travolta butchered Idina Menzel's name while introducing her to sing "Let it Go" from Frozen. How Travolta got "Johnny Football" out of Idina Menzel is a mystery to me. Meanwhile the NFL ruled serial tripper Jennifer Lawrence maintained possession of her friend’s back all the way to the ground.
 
Just how bad is the pollution in China? Scientists have taken a slice of the air and are checking it.
 
Many people are criticizing the Oscars "In Memoriam" segment because they snubbed the deaths of actor Cory Monteithand author Tom Clancy, whose stories made bazillions for Hollywood. I know I'm forgetting a third person, because dead celebrities usually get snubbed in 3's.
 
And … Pope Francis dropped the F-bomb during a blessing at the Vatican. The video has, as videos are wont to do, gone viral. Who knew they heard of Finebaum in Vatican City?
 
*Then you should probably read a few books. Or at least part of a Wikipedia article.
**I was worried
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03/04/2014 11:04AM
LMN 3-4-14
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