LMN 3-5-14 Asteroid is coming. DUCK!
by Lisa Mason
posted Mar 5 2014 8:02AM
For the last time, yesterday was Height-Weight Disproportioned Tuesday! Not Fat Tuesday! Carnival season is over, and now it’s Lent! Even non-Catholics are participating; Lent has become a thing. It also lets you determine what addictions you have some control over! Let’s hope we’re able to give up freezing our buns off for 40 days! Personally, I’m giving up watching TV for Lent, except for all the stuff I recorded BEFORE Lent. I’m also going to give up the Miami Dolphins (because it’s never too early). To my Catholic friends, this Ash Wednesday I’d like to apologize for all of us not of your faith who will cluelessly say, “Um, you’ve got a smudge of something on your face.” And congratulations for having something on your forehead that wasn’t drawn when you were passed out drunk!
President Obama has warned Russia that if their troops don't pull out of Ukraine, he's going to change his "maybe there will be repercussions" to a strong "might." Meanwhile, Russia claims that it HAD to invade the Ukraine to protect Russian citizens. Can a Mexico invasion of California be far behind? Or vise versa? Just rearrange that line to suit you.
An asteroid crosses between Earth and the Moon this afternoon, and here we are with Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck still hung over from the Oscars! We’re doomed unless Al Queida starts sending underwear bombers to the thing. ! An asteroid just 217,000 miles away from us? No wonder my wall calendar shows a picture of an asteroid and only 26 days in this month You know why the Dog Star didn’t laugh at that joke? It’s too Sirius. If the asteroid DOES hit Earth, at least Hollywood will stop making movies on the topic.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1946, Winston Churchill coined the phrase, "Iron Curtain." It was in response to the question, "What do you do if curtain is wrinkled?"
On this date in 1998, NASA said that an orbiting craft had found enough water on the moon to support a human colony and open 17 Starbucks.
Subway's latest menu item is the new "Fritos Chicken Enchilada Melt," which is a chicken enchilada swimming in molten cheese with Fritos Corn Chips piled on top. I think somebody at Subway made a bet that they can make Jared gain 20-pounds.
A lawsuit has been filed against a California doctor who left a patient's chest open on the operating table so he could attend a luncheon. Well, if you don't get to those doctor's luncheons on time you miss out on the deviled eggs.
And … After an epic 5-hour battle, a 10-foot python-snake squeezed a crocodile to death, and then swallowed it whole. And after that, the snake asked her husband, "Does this crocodile make me look fat?"