LMN 4-14-14 BLOOD MOON AND TAXES! EVERYONE PANIC!
by Lisa Mason
posted Apr 14 2014 8:17AM
I see a blood moon arising. I see taxes on the way.
I see the IRS despising, I see we’re gonna have to pay.
A blood moon AND tax day? Coincidence? Nope. The IRS demands it’s dire sacrifice! Anyone wanna volunteer for Tribute? Anyone … anyone… Everdeen? BEFORE YOU DO YOUR OWN TAXES – consider the grades you used to get in math.
Passover begins at sundown – here’s hoping your boss does not attend the same synagogue as the one you lied and told him you were going to in hopes of pretending to be Jewish to get the night off. Even Instagram can’t make Passover food look appealing; giving up real bread for Passover must be as annoying as talking to people who choose gluten free diets.
There was another earthquake near Papua New Guinea. Mamua New Guinea apparently slept right through it.
Hillary Clinton’s camp is saying last week’s shoe throwing incident is part of a conspiracy. People who were at the event are claiming they saw a 2nd shoe-thrower on the grassy knoll.
Newly declassified documents reveal that the CIA tortured a suspected Al Qaeda terrorist by constantly replaying a loop of Red Hot Chili Pepper songs. They were trying to get him to divulge secrets, but the guy kept ignoring requests to "Give it away, give it away, give it away NOW!"
And just a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1902, J.C. Penney opened up his very first store. But nobody took him Sears-ly.
A 26-year-old Brooklyn man whose birth name is "God" is suing the credit agency Equifax – he has no credit history because they don’t recognize God as a person's name. God said, "You'll be hearing from my lawyer, Jesús."
Charlie Sheen's co-stars on "Anger Management" are threatening to quit because Charlie has not been showing up to work. Hey, why should Charlie show up to work when the audience doesn't even show up to watch?
I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging, but this is the fifth “end of the world” I’ve survived. Many religious groups who hold their regular meetings via YouTube channels believe the blood moon trend this year means we’re in the “end times.” We’re not. Kim Kardashian isn’t yet the Secretary General of the UN so we’re probably OK. It’s silly, people are making rapture jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
And … Bats in the U.S. are dying off from a disease known as "White Nose Syndrome." When I first read that bats were disappearing, I thought the story was about people breaking into Region’s Field. It's weird; bats are disappearing, bees are disappearing. If they're going alphabetically, I'm worried about beagles.