LMN 4-17-14 Auburn, we've had a problem...
by Lisa Mason
posted Apr 17 2014 7:59AM
“And the words of the nut-jobs were written on the restroom walls ... in Auburn’s halls.” Classes resume at Auburn today after being cancelled due to what authorities call “an unsubstantiated threat” found in a campus bathroom. Also found in the campus bathroom; the number you should call for a good time. It was Jenny @ 867-5309.
CNN “All plane, all the time” is reporting that those faint pings from the black boxes at the bottom of the ocean are now too weak to be monitored. If that doesn't make sense to you, it’s a lot like the ratings for CNN. Meanwhile, relatives of missing Flight 370 passengers stormed out of a status update in Beijing after a series of technical glitches kept bringing the meeting to a halt. The Chinese government apologized saying they accidentally logged onto HealthCare.gov.
Over 100 girls were abducted from a boarding school in northeast Nigeria. This breaks the record for abducting girls from boarding schools set by Bill Clinton as a student at Georgetown University.
Ukrainian forces clashed with pro-Russian protesters, killing three of them. Russian President Vladimir Putin says, “There are no Russians in Eastern Ukraine.” Ummm. Yes there are. When did Putin start doing Baghdad Bob impressions? If Russia prepares for war the way it prepared for the Winter Olympics, we shouldn’t have anything to worry about.
And a few things you need to know …
Houston we have a movie plot! On this date in1970, the astronauts of Apollo XIII splashed safely down in the Pacific; four days after a ruptured oxygen tank crippled their spacecraft. I don’t have a punch line for this story. My Apollo-gies.
On this date in 1492, Spain's King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella gave the official "Go" to Christopher Columbus to go and search for the new world. They supported him so much; they even waved the carry on fee. Here’s to Columbus for getting as lost as every user of Apple Maps!
Kate Upton told an interviewer that she hates her boobs. OK, there's one vote.
Peach lovers may have to wait for their favorite crop this year because a late March freeze caused major damage and peaches might not be available until July. "I wouldn't complain about it if I were you," said Bob Geldoff.
Vice President Joe Biden has agreed to dress up as the Easter Bunny for the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, as long as Malia and Sasha promise not to sing, "Here Comes Peter Cotton Fail."
And … A new study says that human beings reach their cognitive peak at age 24. That's why the comedy writer I have chained in my basement is only 20. And obviously I gave him the week off – because none of this is very good.