July 28, 2014
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Lisa Mason in the Morning

 

LMN 4-28-14 EVERYBODY PANIC. Again.

by Lisa Mason posted Apr 28 2014 8:21AM
 
I’m likely camping out at the station again thanks to the threat of severe weather in Alabama. Here are Lisa’s Handy Tips for Storm Season:

Overreact.
Panic Buy.
Drive like an idiot.
Call in sick.
Tell Facebook it’s raining and Instagram every cloud formation that looks vaguely threatening after you slap 5 filters on it. 
 
Pro-Russian separatists on Sunday seized control of the state television in eastern Ukraine. Maybe we could hire the separatists to run the TV networks over here? Meanwhile those left in Ukraine with time to watch TV will be missing their “Falcon Crest” reruns.   

So the owner of a professional sports team said something stupid? I’m shocked. SHOCKED! Was it “Sure we can trade Wes Welker to the Patriots, we don’t really need him anyway” because THAT was pretty dumb. The Clipper players staged a silent protest during warm up. They did a silent protest because staging a noisy protest could cost them their jobs ... and the depth of people’s feelings about a situation is directionally proportional to how much money they make at it.

A woman visiting Disneyland with her marine husband was asked by a male employee to cover up because she was showing too much cleavage. Disney workers first became aware of the woman when the Bill Clinton robot in the Hall of Presidents kept hitting on her. What’s the dealio, Disney? No one has to cover up at Dollywood! 

A very busy day at the Vatican. Pope Francis has declared Popes John the 23rd and John Paul the second, saints. It was THE most exciting results show of “So You Think You can Saint” ever.

Final results for the Afghani presidential election won't be in until mid-May, and it's widely expected that the leader, Abdullah Abdullah, and the 2nd place finisher will go into a runoff. It’s better than the North Korean elections, where the 2nd place finisher goes into a wood-chipper.

And a few things you need to know…

Adolf Hitler married Eva Braun on this date in 1945. Two days later, they committed suicide. Pretty odd way of getting out of writing thank you notes for the wedding presents.

On this date in 1919, the very first successful parachute jump was made. Obviously by someone who had absolutely nothing with the previous jump attempts.

A donut shop is opening up in New York, offering low-calorie donuts. Yep, THAT’S what this country was missing.
Scientists say they've found a fossil of a shrimp-like sea creature that lived 520 million years ago with an exquisitely preserved heart and blood vessels that represent the oldest-known cardiovascular system. Although, creationists say it's just a bunch of abalone.

And … An Arizona woman has been arrested on bestiality charges after she tried to arrange “a date” with a horse on Craigslist. The woman thought the horse was a real stud but you wouldn't be caught dead at their bridle shower. What a sick woman...You don't look for a stable relationship with a horse on Craigslist.  
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04/28/2014 8:22AM
LMN 4-28-14 EVERYBODY PANIC. Again.
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