LMN 4-3-14 You can't invade, we're having war games!
by Lisa Mason
posted Apr 3 2014 8:00AM
Ukraine has agreed to host the United Nation's annual "War Games," which means thousands of troops will be playing war in a country with thousands of Russian troops in and around its border. What would possibly go wrong? And how much overtime did the UN’s “Bad Decision Department” clock in to concoct this dumb idea?
China now has its own version of Twitter, where people can use 140 characters to express whatever the government wants them to think.
Joe Biden's letting out government secrets again. The VP is in hot soup for saying that while President Obama was visiting the Pope, he ordered a predator drone strike on a terrorist leader by saying, "Drizzle, drazzle, druzzle drone, let’s see what happens when his head is blown.”*
Germany, known as such a tolerant and light-hearted nation, says they've opened the world's first lesbian-only cemetery. I wonder if you've got to prove your sexual orientation status in order to be buried in Das Plaidenshirten.
CNN’s getting slammed because of their continuous BREAKING NEWS on the lost Malasyan plane, when there IS no breaking news. They’re obsessing, but now we know a private jet owned by "The Hobbit" and "Lord of the Rings" director Peter Jackson is being used in the search for the missing Boeing. Jackson got the idea from CNN’s Wolf Blitzer who recently started referring to Flight 370 as "the Precious."
And a few things you need to know …
It was this date in 1953, TV Guide was created. Up until that time, no one had any idea what was on when. But then, they didn't own a TV so it didn't matter.
On this date in 1860, the Pony Express started making deliveries. I'm no expert, but I believe they delivered Pony Kegs.
Professional jerkwad Alec Baldwin turns 56 today. He blames former President Bush.
A Florida man didn’t want to go to work Monday, so he staged a fake break-in at his house so he would have an excuse to say home. Dwayne Yeager says he didn’t think he’d get arrested for calling in a false report. He was arrested for calling in a false report. Neighbors blew up his story when they told police, “Dwayne? Oh yeah, we saw Dwayne return home and start opening blinds and tearing stuff up.” What’s with nosey neighbors anyway? I have no darn clue what my neighbors are doing. They could be into goat sacrifice and I wouldn’t care so long as they keep the noise down when I’m napping.
And … My dear Traffic Diva Vicki Ward is leaving us tomorrow. I feel like I should ask her for my stuff back since she’s breaking up with me. I’ve been looking for some alternative career choices for her – just in case she really wants to explore her options. But I’m looking for EASY ones, so she’ll have more spare time to scrapbook … because she’s one of those crafty people. Here are the top five easiest jobs I’ve found for Vicki, or for anyone looking for easy work:
Seth Myers' smug coach
Kim Kardashian selfie promoter
Malasia’s director of mis-information
Sharp object provider for The Walking Dead
Jefferson County Commissioner
*Apparently it was an incantation-powered drone.