March 6, 2015
11:36 am

Lisa Mason in the Morning

by Lisa Mason posted Mar 6 2015 7:59AM
Under fire for using her personal email for state department business, Hillary Clinton can't wait for you to read her emails to prove she's already deleted anything important.

The Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey circus announced yesterday it will stop abusing elephants for the personal amusement of humans. Other animals will still be required to perform indefinitely.

HUGE weekend in Selma. The 50th anniversary of Bloody Sunday. All weekend there are commemorations, ceremonies, and star-stuffed performances. Lady Gaga is rumored to perform, R Kelly as well. Some guy named Barak will be there … what band was he in? I've never heard his album. Is he new?

Jeb Bush has asked his large donors not to give him more than $1 Million right away. I would just like to remind my supporters that I do NOT have that policy.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1521, the explorer Magellan discovered Guam. It was stuck under the table.

On this date in 1930, Clarence Birdseye officially invented frozen foods. People were so excited they all sang, 'Freeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow. "

Kim Kardashian has gone blonde. This is only news to the blondes of the world who have just had their stereotype reinforced for the next 37 years.

The Gallo Glass Company in Modesto, California is being accused of using hazardous waste in its bottles. I believe they call it, "wine".

Turns out that 15% of two year olds in Boston drink coffee. That also explains why most kids favorite nursery rhyme is "Twinkle, twinkle, little Star... bucks."

They now have Peeps milk. Yes, milk made out of Peeps (they do not actually milk the Peeps themselves for the end product). That sound you hear is America's waistlines expanding due to Frankenmilk.

I nearly had heart failure last night when I saw Harrison Ford crashed his vintage WWII plane into a golf course. I can't lose Spock AND Han Solo in one week! He'll hold together. (Hear me, Harrison ... hold together). He's getting praise for his piloting skills, but what would you expect from the pilot who made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs? Never tell him the odds! It was surprising his vintage plane malfunctioned – he was flying casual. At least the Nazis chasing him didn't get the Grail.

And a bonus desperate plea for help … There was a 14 car/ 3 semi pileup on 459 yesterday in Irondale. Three adults and two kids were injured -- one of the injured women had her dog Lucy in the car with her. During the aftermath of the crash – Lucy got spooked, slipped her collar and ran. Lucy looks like some kind of a mix Tan with a white chest, floppy ears. The poor woman was injured, her car is trashed AND she's lost her dog. If you are in or around that area, I completely beg you to be on the lookout. Lucy could be miles away from the crash site and her mommy needs her to be safely home.
There is a formal search party forming tomorrow morning at 9am at the Starbucks on Montclair. The contact is Whitney (205) 240-6618 or The Facebook group is called Help Find Lucy, join for updates. I would be hospitalized with a nervous breakdown if this happened to Hera. Lucy's mom is frantic and if you guys can help, we'll finally have a story with a happy ending for a change. Please, we all need some happy news.
by Lisa Mason posted Mar 5 2015 9:53AM
Happy Cinco de Marcho! We "spring forward" this weekend. Why can't we make the time change useful by springing forward at 4:00 on a Monday afternoon?

Hillary Clinton says she wants America to read her emails to prove that using her personal email while serving as Secretary of State is no big deal. Apparently Lois Lerner never showed her how to hit "delete."

Landfills are being flooded with those little plastic coffee cups and developers say they won't have a biodegradable option till 2020. The guy who invented the Keurig K Cup says he regrets his invention every day because of what it will do to humanity. Yeah, you are a regular Oppenheimer.

Mobile County in Alabama is now refusing to issue marriage licenses for EVERYBODY, not just gay couples. So now NOBODY has the opportunity to spend the rest of their lives rehashing the same argument with their spouse.

And a few things you need to know…

In 1946, Winston Churchill coined the phrase, "Iron Curtain." It was in response to the question, "What do you do if your curtain is wrinkled?"

On this date in 1998, NASA said that an orbiting craft had found enough water on the moon to support a human colony and open a Starbucks.

The NTSB is reopening the investigation into the 1959 plane crash that killed singer Buddy Holly and the others. Maybe next they can find out who murdered the Black Dahlia and where Amelia Earhart is. Or maybe they could go look for that Malaysian plane? Or not waste money? Or investigate those 4 planes from 9/11? I'm no certified deadly-plane-crash investigator, but I'm pretty sure this new investigation will find that everyone on board is still dead.

Dodge is warning customers that some of its dealers are scamming people. I'm no advertising expert, but I think this campaign could backfire.

Now we're hearing that "Sharknado 3" might get pushed back due to a strike. The only thing more absurd than the plot of Sharknado is everything else that happens in Florida on a daily basis.

A lobster scientist has been trapped on an iced-in island off the coast of Maine for over a month. That is amazing! There are lobster scientists?

Today is #WorldBookDay! Kids, celebrate by reading a book. See, back in OUR day … "TV" was called "Books."

And …Today is also National Grammar Day. A day wear you can easily annoy you're friends by correcting there grammar's and spelling's. I'm going too type like this until there'y're all effected and loss there mind's.
by Lisa Mason posted Mar 4 2015 9:14AM
Love him or hate him, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave a stirring address to Congress yesterday. He stated that faith can move mountains … as soon as the Muslim extremists in Iran get nukes. THEN it'll move mountains, valleys, rivers, houses, schools …

Trending online – Japan's Cat Island, where felines outnumber humans 6 to 1. That place must …smell. I pray my dog never finds out how much more popular cats are online

Seriously? A guy in Texas got a tattoo of "the dress." It took longer to agree on the color of the tattoo than the tattoo itself.

Oprah Winfrey closing her Chicago studios in December. The only thing Oprah ever made me change about my life was the channel when her show came on.

Yesterday was "Free Pancake Day" at IHOP. Just thought you should know. Call me when it's free lobster day somewhere nice.

And … The government of Nepal is asking adventurers climbing Mt Everest to please stop pooping everywhere. It's pretty bad; as if your toilet was broken and you waited a week to call the plumber AND your bathroom was a World Heritage Site. I was going to tell a poop joke here but it was too corny.
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by Lisa Mason posted Mar 3 2015 8:03AM
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu addresses Congress today. It will be the first time there has been such an articulate speaker on the floor since…well, the last time he spoke to Congress. 51 Democrats are boycotting the speech because following protocol is more important than the fact Iran's building nukes and the White House seems pretty cool with that. Meanwhile, National Security Advisor Susan Rice says, "a bad deal with Iran is better than NO deal with Iran." Which is like saying, "a bad drug deal is better than NO drug deal," or "a bad case of Ebola is better than NO case of Ebola."

In solidarity with Congress, I vow that no work will get done in my presence today.

Remember that astronaut who sang David Bowie's "Space Oddity" on the International Space Station? Somehow, Chris Hadfield's flight suit ended up in a Toronto thrift store. Dr. Julielynn Wong, who actually trained with Hadfield, was out popping some tags and bought it for $40. Wait -- doctors have to shop at thrift stores now?

Just so you know --Three cases of leprosy have been confirmed in Florida. When Governor Rick Scott heard the news, he fell to pieces.

Speaking OF Florida; a man in Panama City caught a nearly ten foot long great white shark -- right off the coast! They tagged and released it -- right off the coast. Kids, learn to swim now so you're not the slowest one in the water this spring break.

And a few things you need to know …

In 1845, Florida became our 27th state. It was a great deal. Spain not only gave us Florida, but they threw in the Keys!

The World Health Organization says that 1-billion young people are at risk of damaging their ears from loud music. To which most responded, "Minsk can damage beers when you're out of music?"

A 108 year old New York man and his 105 year old wife recently celebrated their 82nd wedding anniversary together. They enjoyed a nice trip from the living room to the kitchen.

The town of Grantville, Georgia can be yours for 680 thousand dollars! The town where they film "The Walking Dead" is up for sale. Buy it and while you won't be The Governor … you CAN be The Mayor.

Pope Francis has called money, 'the devil's dung.' I'm going to start carrying a plastic bag with me, in case I need to pick some up.

A study says that dogs remember events for no longer than two minutes. So when I walk in a room with my dog to get something and forget why I'm there, Hera does, too! Good girl!

And … Remember that "unretouched" photo of model Cindy Crawford? She looked like a normal woman for her age, not a slick supermodel and Crawford was praised for daring to show her normal humanity. It was a fake. Someone photoshopped her to look bad. Crawford's husband Tweeted out a pic of her over the weekend proving, once and for all, that the laws of aging and gravity do NOT apply to a supermodel pushing 50.
by Lisa Mason posted Mar 2 2015 8:21AM
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu addresses Congress tomorrow. He's expected to settle, once and for all, what colour that stupid dress is.

The first Dallas nurse to contract Ebola is suing the hospital, saying they didn't do enough to protect her. If I ever contracted Ebola, they'd only have to test the Jimmy John's Guy to see if it spread.

Siri will soon be able to speak in Russian, Portuguese, Swedish and four other languages. That'll make a total of 8 languages she can misunderstand.

Today is national pig day! PETA asks us to celebrate by not eating pork today. But tomorrow – go hog wild.

And just a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1901, the U.S. Forest Service was created, as part of the U.S. Tree Service. For a while there, you couldn't see the Forest Service for the Tree Service.

A new study shows that apples are the produce with the most pesticides. No wonder they keep the doctor away.

T.J. Maxx says it will raise workers' pay to $9 an hour... which was heartbreaking to employees who thought they were already making more than that.

Just FYI - A surgeon in Italy says that full body transplants could be a reality in two years. So, you can skip the gym and just have your head put on a better body? But where are they getting all the hot extra bodies? And what happens when the headless bodies start demanding equal rights? I guess we get the plot of about 15 different movies.

And … I'm incredibly sad at the passing of Leonard Nimoy on Friday. He'd been in ill health for quite a while … but they'll bring him back in the next movie won't they? We've seen it happen before! Meanwhile, William Shatner is defending himself on Twitter after being labelled "Captain Jerk" for not attending Nimoy's funeral. Shatner had a prior commitment to attend a Red Cross fundraiser and didn't … think to … change … his PLAAAAAAAANS! Trek yourself before you wreck yourself, Captain!
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