LMN 5-1-14 So long and thanks for all the fish!
by Lisa Mason
posted May 1 2014 8:23AM
Today is May Day! The day you traditionally come over and detail my car.
Facebook and Twitter exploded yesterday with the news that Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston was cited for stealing crab legs from a Tallahassee Publix. FSU officials admit something is fishy with their quarterback. It’s his fourth run in with the law in 18 months, so police have probable claws to book him. Winston should act like a hermit after being so shellfish. FSU fans want to bury the story – but it has legs. Winston is slated to appear on the covers of both EA Sports "NCAA Football '14" AND "Grand Theft Crustacean." Jameis is trying to butter up the cops, but they’ll probably lock him in a Dungeness. Actually, Florida cops are going to wait to be paid off before they issue the decision that the crab legs were consenting. Yeah, Winston fought the claw and the claw won. That should cover Winston for the rest of the week.
Then there are the U.S. sanctions against Russia. As they intensify, Russia is asking, "So, how you gonna get up to the International Space Station, cowboy?" (BTW, they still owe us money for that).
UCLA has so much money for kidney research; they decided they didn’t want a $3 million donation from controversial Clipper’s owner Donald Sterling. Seriously? I’m NEVER too offended to accept money from someone! So if you know someone with a rare kidney ailment, thank UCLA for being too noble to turn some jerk’s money into a life saving option.
An Australian Company searching for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 says they have reason to believe the missing jet is in the Bay of Bengal. That’s 5,000 kilometers away from where they’re currently searching. At this point, Australia likely hopes that ANYONE else will take over the search since they’re pretty much stuck with it. “Hey India! How ‘bout YOU start looking 50 k’s south of Whoop-Whoop for a change? Av-a-go-yer-mug!”
There was a botched execution in Oklahoma, so all executions are on hold. It was pretty gruesome. Not only did they use an untried combination of lethal drugs, they also forced the prisoner to listen to reruns of my show. Is it just me, or wouldn't a "botched execution" be when the condemned prisoner LIVED?
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1941, Cherrios were introduced by General Mills. They replaced another cereal, "Mildly depressed O's."
On this date back in 1961, Fidel Castro announced there would be no more elections in Cuba. There’s a bright side to this: no campaign ads, no debates.
The West Highland Constabulary is searching for a missing girl. 12 year old Rowan Morrison vanished from her home on Summerisle and is believed to have met with foul play. Lord Summerisle could not be reached for comment. *
Do you like being nude, drunk and on a treadmill? The Sunny Rest Resort in the Poconos is hosting a grand opening. The nudist resort features a restaurant, bar and a fitness center. If I were you, I wouldn't ride that stationary bike unless you see it come right out of the box.
Scientists in London say they have devised an edible water bottle. Groovy. How’s that cure for cancer coming guys? Chinese scientists actually invented it first, but an hour later you were hungry and thirsty again.
And … 71-year-old Harrison Ford will definitely appear as Han Solo in the next Star Wars movie. Don't worry, Harrison can take it. He's built Ford Tough.
*Oh hey! If you’re one of the three people who get this movie reference, I’m talking about the original NOT the piece of crap Nick Cage decided to bungle his way through. Happy May Day. See you at the sacrifice! Wait. Did I say “sacrifice?” Sorry! I meant to say, “See you at happy-fun-time!”