LMN 5-13-14 RIP HRG!
by Lisa Mason
posted May 13 2014 8:39AM
The viral video of the incident nearly broke Twitter; Jay Z was attacked in an elevator by Solange Knowles, Beyonce’s sister. Can we turn her loose on Boko Haram and get those girls set free? Intelligence officials are picking through a video released by Boko Haram, hoping to pinpoint the location of the missing schoolgirls. But, officials aren’t sure if the girls are still with the leader of the militant group because the video is edited. Are the production skills of a bunch of thugs really THAT clever? Are they walking around the woods with a bootleg copy of Final Cut Pro? “Hey Ankanka – the cut away to the hostages is a little rough. Can you make it LOOK like the girls are still in the main camp?” “Sure thing, I’ll just fix it in post. No one will ever know.”
Former American Idol runner up Clay Aiken wins the North Carolina democratic primary after his congressional opponent was found dead in his Asheville home. A sudden death in overtime politics! It’s believed 71-year old Keith Crisco died from “injuries” suffered after a “fall.” Anyone know what Reuben Studdard is up to?*
They still can’t find that plane, loaded with the finest modern technology – but they CAN find a boat from 1492. An explorer claims a sunken shipwreck off the coast of Haiti is the long-lost remains of the Santa Maria, Christopher Columbus' flagship from his first voyage to the Americas. When Columbus came to the New World there wasn’t any government – look how far we’ve come! Y’know, Columbus didn’t actually discover America?**
This is Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's second week in rehab. No real news on that yet, but the price of crack cocaine has gone down.
FEMA has opened three Disaster Recovery Centers in Jefferson County to guide storm victims through the relief application process. What storm victims? Oh. The ones from like three weeks ago. Nice hustle, FEMA. At this rate they’ll get help just in time for the new Star Wars movie to come out.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1940, a helicopter was flown for the very first time. Inventor Igor Sikorsky gave props to his props.
On this date in 1846, the U.S. declared war on Mexico. Can we tell which side won that one?
The CEO of Samsung is in stable condition after suffering a heart attack on Saturday. Or as Apple described it, "Just Samsung's poor attempt to imitate Steve Job's death."
Capitalizing on breast cancer awareness, on Mother's Day, Major League Baseball players swung pink bats, used pink batting gloves and wore pink shoes. Atlanta Braves pitcher Gavin Floyd did not play, which totally ruined the perfectly good "Pink Floyd" joke I was going to make.
WHO CARES ABOUT A 249th ROUND DRAFT PICK? Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend on TV isn’t going down well with many Americans. Get a grip, people. It’s only fair that EVERYBODY has a 50-50 shot at getting divorced. Some guy from the Miami Dolphins was suspended for Tweeting “HORRIBLE” after the televised smooch because the NFL stated that no one may say anything negative about Sam or the Rams; they are to be hailed as heroes. Wow. This is like the time Mrs. Williams at Jones Valley Elementary told all the other kids they HAD to sit by me at lunch. No one was allowed to tease me. Know what that does? It makes people like you even less. Eh. At least this gave CNN something to do besides look for the plane. Who. Cares.
And … He should have known better than to look inside that giant egg; HR Giger is dead at age 74. The Swiss surrealist painter is known to most Americans as “That guy who designed all the freaky cool stuff in the “Alien” movies.”
*Probably about 350 pounds by now
**It was Kanye