LMN 5-15-14 Popes vs Aliens?
by Lisa Mason
posted May 15 2014 7:21AM
I didn’t bother much with the news today because some weeks the world just isn’t funny. Horrible things are happening and I can’t find the funny side; trapped miners, blazing fires, kidnapped girls and a major golf tournament going on right down the street from my office so traffic on 280 is something out of a twisted nightmare, spawned from the very heart of Pandæmonium. OK, so maybe the traffic situation doesn’t rank up there with everything else. Also: my studio is 6 degrees today and I’m NOT sitting in here to write. Carry on…
Republicans in the House are still calling for belt tightening in Washington. Of course, Democrats in Congress are going with their old standby, tightening Nancy Pelosi's face one more time.
A new study says the smell of a new baby has the same effect on women as chocolate. Yes, but you don't have to send chocolate to college.
Former San Diego State running back Adam Muema, who said God sent him a vision of being drafted by the Seattle Seahawks, says he's done with football after that didn't happen in the NFL draft. The problem is: Muema is dyslexic and it was actually his DOG that told him about the Seahawks. Muema, whom many believe is legitimately suffering from a mental disorder, says he now wants to fight in the MMA. I hope God tells him to just go get a job at McDonalds because this guy’s going to get knocked the heck out in the MMA.
Justin Bieber is being investigated on attempted burglary charges over an incident that occurred with a woman who was taking cell phone pictures of him at a miniature golf course. When Justin whined about the photos, cops decided to add "impersonating a clown's mouth" to their investigation.
And a (very) few things you need to know…
On this date in 1940, the first pair of Nylon stockings went on sale in the U.S. You pick the next line: In no time at all, there was a run on 'em. OR … Up until then, bank robbers had to wear masks.
On this date in 1942, gasoline rationing went into effect in 17 states. Each driver was allotted three gallons a week... which, these days, is all we can afford!
A new trend suggests that younger adults are less likely to relocate for a job. Try this one out -- yell, "Hey, why don't you go outside and mow the lawn?" See. They were right.
She might be rocking that gold bikini if she keeps up! To star in the new "Star Wars" film, Carrie Fisher has dropped at least 40-pounds. 240-pounds if you count her current boyfriend.
And … Pope Francis says if Martians ever landed on Earth, he’d be more than happy to baptize them. Martians better hope they land at the Vatican instead of Alabama, because if they landed here someone would probably shoot them, throw them on the grill and then report, “Yup, they taste just like chicken.”