LMN 5-22 China Death Treat, not a new band name.
by Lisa Mason
posted May 22 2014 7:40AM
Pets all around the country are dying from eating unspecified chicken "jerky style" pet treats made in China. Or, as Russian President Vladimir Putin calls poison pet food, "pet food." Petco just announced they’d stop selling Chinese Death Treats, great. How about stop selling the garbage that uses ingredients SOURCED from China too?
The six young Iranians arrested after posting a video of themselves dancing to the insipid Pharrell song “Happy,” have been bailed out of jail. They’re lucky they were in Iran, I would have had them executed by Chinese Death Treats.
Change your password – eBay has been hacked! I haven’t used eBay in a long time because it’s too hard to find what you want. I went looking for lighters and the results said there were 15 thousand matches.
A federal judge in Pennsylvania has struck down the state's ban on same-sex marriage. A gay advocate in Hershey, Pennsylvania said, "Now it's my way AND the Highway."
President Obama promises “a forceful response” to the widening scandal at the Department of Veteran’s Affairs. We had to wait three weeks for him to blame the situation on President Bush, how much longer till we see this “forceful response?” Where has Obama been for six years? He’s still President isn't he? He campaigned on this issue, he was on the Senate's VA committee, but it seems he only will take action on the problem since the scandal hit the news. He’ll probably blame the whole mess on a YouTube video next.
They've sent beekeepers to the scene of an accident in Delaware, in which a truck rolled over releasing 20 million angry bees. No one knows why the bees were angry but it’s probably something to do with income inequality and the minimum wage. The beekeepers will try and use the Queens to help round up the insects, and if that doesn't work they'll resort to plan bee. I can't bee-lieve I said that. I should have just let it bee.
And a few things you should at least pretend to know today…
On this date in 1892, a British dentist invented the tube of toothpaste. Isn't that amazing? Who knew Britain had dentists? It’s equally amazing how people who absolutely incorrectly squeeze the tube in the middle always marry people who squeeze their tube from the end.
A new study claims that San Francisco is more likely to be rattled by a series of earthquakes. Wow, way to go out on the skinny branches there.
McDonald's is offering yogurt as an option with its Happy Meals. To help it fit in, they're going to call it “fruit ketchup.”
It's said that Beyonce` has made peace with her sister, Solange. Oh thank you Baby Jesus! And in other irritating news, whoever Brody Jenner is, he’s not going to Kim Kardashian’s wedding because his family didn’t invite his girlfriend of 7 months. Hi, Brody! Please enjoy one of these fine Chinese dog treats. Poor Kim, still trying to find a dress, complained online that “nothing looks good” on her. I disagree; a piano dropped from three stories up would look GREAT on her. Meanwhile, Will and Jada Pinkett Smith are under investigation from Child Protective Services after a picture of their 13 year old daughter lying in bed with some 20 year old actor went viral. The real crime here is why anybody cares what the Smiths are doing. Though it DOES sound like the kid’s about to have to go live with her Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air.
Paul McCartney is in a Tokyo hospital with a viral infection. He’s cancelled his Japan tour as well as upcoming dates in South Korea. It’s surprising since his latest tour is a sellout … accompanied by five session musicians.
And … Why am I so proud to say I'm not watching “I wanna marry Harry?"