LMN 5-29-14 It's just snake jokes today.
by Lisa Mason
posted May 29 2014 8:09AM
President Obama announces a shift in foreign policy. Does this mean we’re going to shift to having one?
Officials searching for Malaysian Airlines flight 370 say the plane is definitely NOT where they’ve been looking. No kidding? Now, Thai satellites have picked up numerous “objects” in a different area where the plane could have gone down. Yeah, those “objects” would be all the boats out looking for the plane.
Apparently having his father die from a rattlesnake bite wasn't enough to keep 21-year-old Cody Coots from away from the family business. The fourth-generation Kentucky snake handler is now recovering from his own rattlesnake bite. Just my opinion here – but these snake handlers have incredibly strange POISON-alities. Oh come on, that joke was HISS-terical!
Celebrated author and poet Maya Angelou has died at the age of 86. Her work is legendary, but I've ALWAYS known why the caged bird sings. It's trying to cover up the sounds made by the other caged birds that are digging the escape tunnel. (That’s what I learned from “Hogan’s Heroes” anyway). Though she's gone, Maya's beautiful words and her Illinois Democratic voter registration will live on forever.
I can’t wait for the June 3rd primary – because then these obnoxious ads will stop running. Based on their content, President Obama is deeply interested in the 6th Congressional seat since he’s featured in every stinking ad. Must be a nice golf course there. You know what you call a snake running for office? A “civil serpent.”
A negligence case against UPS will go forward after all. The suit claims UPS caused emotional anguish and property damage to residents when a cargo plane crashed outside Birmingham-Shuttlesworth last year. The two pilots onboard Flight 1354 died in the crash, yet an attorney for the plaintiffs says UPS needs to do “the right thing.” There’s a special name for the people who filed this suit.*
Hey! Know what kind of snake has the cleanest car? A windshield viper.
The Scripps National Spelling Bee is underway in our Nation's Capital. Or is that our Nation's Capitol? I can never get that one right. Heck, I can’t even spell “Scrips.” The youngest person to qualify for the Bee is a 9-year-old boy. His parents told him not to feel any pressure to win --although if he doesn't, he’ll be G-R-O-U-N-D-E-D.
And a few things you need to know …
Wisconsin became our 30th state on this date in 1848. That was also the day they chose the official state song, "What a Friend We Have in Cheeses."
Former NFL star Aaron Hernandez was in court yesterday, miraculously no one was killed. He’s pleaded not-guilty to the 2012 double homicide that stemmed from a spilled drink. Hernandez still faces charges of armed assault and attempted murder in that case along with a separate murder charge and another attempted murder charge. Just a matter of time before this guy ends up on war crimes charges at The Hague.
Do you know which hand you use to pick up a snake? Someone else’s.
Following weeks of speculation, Apple is definitely buying the Dr. Dre company, Beats Electronics. The price tag? $3 billion. Well, there’s ONE doctor making money in the age of ObamaCare.
Brad Pitt was punched in the face during the premier of Angelina’s new film “Maleficent.” The culprit is a creepy personality from overseas who does stuff like this as a prank. He’s now in jail. Because the first rule of Fight Club …
A German newspaper is under fire for publishing a picture of Kate Middleton's bare hiney that was exposed during a wind gust. Most males report they’re offended every time they download the picture again.
iPhone hackers in Australia figured out a way to break into phones internationally and demand up to $100 to unlock them. Yeesh! This is what you get when you turn a penal colony into a country!
And … a baby snake found in the Shoal Creek subdivision is in CPS custody after asking his mother, “Mommy, are we poisonous?” “Yes dear. Why?” was the reply. “Because I just bit my tongue.” The mother snake, charged with negligence, says the case is ADDER-ly rediciloussssss.