LMN 5-30-14 FRIDAAAAAAAAAYAAAAY!
by Lisa Mason
posted May 30 2014 8:05AM
Sorry, no snake jokes today. Have a picture of a bear holding a wolf instead.
News reports of President Obama's speech at the West Point Military Academy described the reception he received as "icy" and "chilly" The audience was so cold toward his speech; Obama started singing “Let It Go.”
Meanwhile, the President says he’ll have a "serious conversation" with Veterans Affairs' Secretary Eric Shinseki about the deplorable state of the VA. Word is he’s threatening to fire Shinseki and replace him with a more capable figurehead: Kathleen Sibelius.
Love her or hate her, this is just rude; anti-Hillary Clinton slogans and buttons are popping up nationwide, and most of them aren't very pretty (You can make your own joke here). Among "I'm a Hillary Hater." And that’s just the one Bill Clinton came up with.
For the first time since it vanished in early March, no one is out looking for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. Australia says they’ve found nothing concrete. Oh please someone tell them they were supposed to be looking for something made of aluminum!
A 2 BILLION DOLLAR deal has been inked to buy the LA Clippers from the Sterling Trust. The guy who used to run Microsoft will be the new owner – beating out a group that included Oprah Winfrey. It’s for the best because if Oprah was in charge she’d force the team to join her book club. So Donald Sterling upset everyone by making an ignorant comment to his ignorant girlfriend, and is now a billion dollars richer because of it? Mission Accomplished? Word is, Sterling will use his half of the money to buy the Redskins. No controversy there! If Sterling would just kiss Michael Sam on live TV we could put all this behind us. 2 billion, really? Hang on, what happens if the Microsoft guy says something off-colour and is forced to sell the team? How much will HE make? Then if the NEXT guy says something offensive – what’s the price tag then? Wait. I think I just found a way to solve the national debt: we’ll just keep selling the Clippers!
Reese's Peanut Butter Oreo cookies are out, but they're available just for a limited time. Just like the people who eat too many Reese's Peanut Butter Oreo cookies. Which someone should seek out and then deliver unto me. For research.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1431, Joan of Arc was burned at the stake. The French described her as a "rare woman." The English described her as more "medium-rare."
In 1539, De Soto landed in Florida after his Carnival Cruise ship broke down.
A new study claims that being skeptical may cause dementia. I'm afraid to not believe the report.
Kim Kardashian says her official married name is "Kim Kardashian West." The NAACP says that's a lot better than her first choice, "Kim Kardashian Kanye."
Manuel Uribe from Mexico, once lauded as the heaviest person in the world at 1,230 pounds, has died at age 48. They're trying to find the 6 people he hated the most to be the pall bearers.
Oh fine. I lied. You know what a snake takes when it has a headache? An ASP-rin. Snakes make great pets for creepy people who don’t want to dress their animals up. Without clothes, they’re always Snaked.
And … A New York City rapper named Carlton Carter has been arrested as part of an identity theft ring. Carter and his co-conspirator, Thomas Luckey were busted with over 300 pairs of bogus Air Jordans when they were arrested. I can see how the cops easily could get Carter, but they had to stay up ALL night to get Luckey. That was a freakishly long way to go for a Daft Punk reference that three people will understand. Seriously, the wait for that punch line was almost as long as the one for medical treatment at the VA.
Filed Under :
Bill Clinton, Carlton Carter, Eric Shinseki, Hillary Clinton, Kathleen Sibelius, Kim Kardashian, Manuel Uribe, Michael Sam, Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Thomas Luckey