March 1, 2015
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Lisa Mason in the Morning


LMN 5-6-14 The Supreme Court says it's OK! Wish they were talking about pancake

by Lisa Mason posted May 6 2014 8:00AM
The Supreme Court has ruled that it is OK to begin town meetings with a prayer, because grown adults should be mature enough to handle hearing a prayer from a different faith. Grown-up’s? Mature? The Supreme Court is woefully out of touch if they think adults can hold off suing someone else for hurting their feelings. But the prayer idea IS a great way of passive-aggressively calling people out – “Before we begin, I’d just like to ask a blessing on Councilman Johnson who stole 5 grand from the sewer board. I pray that he returns the money and also that Commissioner Stevens gets help for his drinking problem.” We could learn some good stuff thanks to this!

No matter how hard the White House tries, the fall-out from a poorly-executed cover-up of the attack on our consulate in Benghazi threatens to be a major presidential scandal. Just so ya know … nobody died during Watergate*. President Obama is still trying to find a way to blame the incident on George W. Bush.

The Hoover City Council has approved a resolution that allows Hoover residents to renew Jefferson County car tags at the Hoover Met. That sound you hear is a flood of refugees attempting to claim Hoover citizenship.

Basketball Hall of Famer Isaiah Thomas says that the NBA must strip Donald Sterling of the Clippers ownership to "protect the moral sanctity of the game." The moral sanctity of the NBA? Considering the NBA's unwed father problems and illegal firearms charges, I think the NBA's "moral sanctity" ship sailed a long, long time ago.

The TSA found 81 pounds of marijuana in checked bags at Oakland International Airport. I wonder what Willie Nelson was doing in Oakland?

Australian officials say the next phase of the search for Flight 370 will cost $60 million. They’re asking Malaysia to pitch in and Malaysia is shuffling its feet and humming like it didn’t just hear Australia ask for money. I’m now obsessively following CNN following the story. Honestly, CNN's "Breaking News" has literally become the journalistic equivalent of the "refresh" button.

 A man running for the North Carolina state Senate on the "anti same sex marriage" platform has admitted he was once gay. He also worked nights for 8 years as a female impersonator at a gay nightclub. I don't see why this should be a problem. Rand Paul used to be a drag queen, didn't he? No wait ...That was his dad, RuPaul.  
Investigators are trying to determine what went wrong during an aerial hair-hanging stunt at a Ringling Bros. and Barnum and Bailey Circus performance in Providence that sent acrobats plummeting over 25 feet to the ground. I'd like to be Fly on that Wall-enda! The Flying Wallendas? Hello? Sometimes I think half of my crummy news jokes are for three people. **

And a few things you need to know…

On this date in 1861, Arkansas seceded from the union. Yep, they were once out. We had our chance.

Time to get out and hit those After Cinco de Mayo Sales!

A new study says that using a middle initial makes people appear smarter to others. Of course, there is the Lisa C Mason exception.

Michelangelo's masterpiece David may be in danger of collapsing due to two bum legs! David has hairline fractures developing in his ankles. This is really going to mess up his chances in the draft.

Eddie Murphy says he's making a new "Beverly Hills Cop" sequel. Didn't anybody tell Eddie he had the right to remain silent?

Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair turns 61 today. He's working with Timex to come out with a full line of wrist watches with his name on it. It's called the "Blair Watch Project."

*Except maybe parts of the Space Program
**No actual circus acrobats were injured during the writing or theft of these jokes.
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05/06/2014 8:02AM
LMN 5-6-14 The Supreme Court says it's OK! Wish they were talking about pancake wrapped bacon.
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