LMN 5-8-14 50 shades of mediocre headlines.
by Lisa Mason
posted May 8 2014 8:15AM
Hillary Clinton calls the kidnapping of more than 300 school girls in Nigeria “an act of terrorism.” I’m shocked she didn’t blame it on a YouTube video. The terror group Boko Haram, who has been doing crap like this for YEARS, says they’ll sell the girls for $12. I’ve got $40 on me, how many can I buy and set free? The team the US is sending to help find the girls is slightly hamstrung by a US law that prevents us form aiding or training a military with human rights abuses … of which Nigeria’s military has plenty. You know what’s good about living in Nigeria? Nothing.
A nationwide synthetic drug bust saw action in ten Alabama counties. “Operation Red Tide” resulted in 38 arrests, 200 pounds of synthetic drugs seized, and $500 thousand. Is it just me or does that seem like small change? I watched all of Miami Vice and for a “Massive sting,” this seems a little backwoods. Colorado was also hit with “Red Tide” arrests as well. Hello? You guys have LEGAL WEED up there. Why sell face-eating bath salts or whatever?
The House has voted to hold IRS targeter Lois Lerner in contempt of Congress. Why shouldn’t she hold Congress in contempt? Everyone else does.
Lots of complaining about a $27,000-dollar government study to determine "Why Inmates Want to Escape from Prison." Well, if the study is talking about why DEATH ROW inmates want to escape, I'm guessing Oklahoma's "Capital Punishment Amateur Night" probably has something to do with it.
Monica Lewinsky claims her tell-all Vanity Fair article is an attempt to write "a different ending" to her story. Apparently, Monica wants her life back. Will she get it? My guess is close, but no cigar. She scored a big payday by writing her own cover story. For the first time in years, Monica's not working under the table.
Former secretary of State Hillary Clinton says her favorite guilty pleasure is chocolate. I'm just glad it’s not giving up government secrets. Hillary believes that neither she nor chocolate can ever be too rich.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1794, the U.S. Postal Service was established. Oh, people went postal before that, they just didn't know what to call it.
On this date in 1944, the first eye bank in the U.S. opened it's doors. It was backed by the F.D.Eye.See.
A new report says that Baby Boomers are more likely to live as roommates. Great. Now you get to look forward to your life turning into a really bad sitcom.
You that American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken is running for Congress as a Democrat in North Carolina? Well, the North Carolina Democratic Primary is still too close to call. Right now, I'd put my money on Clay, but you can never count out Ruben Studdard.
“These aren’t the drones you’re looking for.” The U.S. Air Force and UPS are saying whoopsie after a $350,000 U.S. drone intended for a government facility was accidentally delivered to a Massachusetts college student. When the college student called UPS to say he'd received the wrong package, he claims a UPS rep told him it was up to him whether he wanted to keep it or not. And we wonder how Iran got that U.S. drone they had on display last year?
Rant of the day: If you’re running for office, you don’t have to be weird about it.
When is the Shelby County Sheriff’s election? I don’t even live in Shelby County and I’m ready for it to be over because I keep getting hit up for votes. Standing in line at the drugstore near my studio, some buffoon with a stack of pamphlets says, “I’ll tell you who we need as sheriff.” Awesome, because A) I don’t know you and B) I don’t live in Shelby. Later at the Publix here’s some chick with someone else’s pamphlets. “You need to take one of these!” No, I need to finish checking out so I can get away from you crazy people. Pro tip: If you are running for office and rock up to me while I’m at Celebrate Hoover day, trying to choke down some nasty food from the concession stand before she getting back to work, do NOT approach with the query “Do you live in Shelby County?” When I respond, “Why do you wanna know where I live?” The response is not, “So do you live in Shelby county or not?” D-bag. Also, once I tell you I do NOT live in the magical county of no car-tag lines and potholes, don’t continue with your desperate pitch. I don’t care if you’re a liberal humanitarian or a bible-minded warrior for justice who wants a talk show. I don’t even care if you’re a unicorn. I know I’d vote for the guy was taught him some manners by his mommy. Also, don’t pull me over. The hardest thing to do while listening to somebody rant about politics is having to wait before screaming “I DON”T CARE.”